Addicted and Arrested - How getting locked up showed me the way to real freedom

Michelle: Well, Hey everybody. And welcome back to Qualified.  I'm Michelle Heaton.  Well, so far, I've had some amazing guests on the podcast who have openly and bravely shared their stories of overcoming great loss with us.  And this episode is no different.  My guest today is also amazing and brave - and he has candidly shared his story with large audiences of how drug and alcohol addiction led him down a path of using and selling drugs, which landed him in jail multiple times.

 And now he will share that story with us today. I welcome Jeff Rodriguez to the podcast.  Welcome Jeff. And thanks for being here. 

Jeff: I’m so excited to be here. Really, I am. I also got a little, teary-eyed thinking about some of that.

Michelle: Wow, thank you. Well, as I said, you have shared your story many times before because the experiences you had, brought you to a place in life where you realized that you needed drastic change.

And those changes ultimately led you to pursue a theology degree and then on to founding and pastoring, a thriving church here in Southern California.  Jeff, you told me that because of the life you led, you experienced many tragic losses. And today we're going to start with the loss of freedom that resulted from your imprisonment back in 2002.

So, what were the charges brought against you that got you locked up?

Jeff:  Yeah, it's crazy to think about talking about yourself and what it used to be like and what it's like today, but that's what I'm going to do. I got myself into a bunch of stuff. Just kind of trying to help my, my life, which was tumbling.  So, the the charges that I had, aren't really, I'm actually embarrassed of one. I'm not embarrassed to the others, but drug trafficking, drug distribution, which was means I had scales and bags and stuff, but possession of a controlled substance, which was methamphetamine, I had stolen property and that one's not embarrassing, but then they also caught me with some fraudulent stuff that I really wasn't doing, but they charged me with it.

And it really kind of offends me a little bit, the other ones, which are far worse, but this one did. And I just don't like the word fraud. That's just not who I am, even in my addiction, but yeah, they are trafficking, possession and being a drug dealer, people give you stuff to pay for their stuff. And so, then you end up having possession. So, I'm not a criminal. Like I was stealing stuff, I just had a bunch of stolen property. 

Michelle: Well, can you talk about the choices that you made in your life that  brought you to that place? 

Jeff: Yeah, I think, and as I look back, 20 years later, you look back and say, like you said, that I needed drastic change.

I needed wholesale change. I needed to do 180-degree walk. And that's kind of what happened, but what brought it to me is that I had a habit. I've always had habitual drug use and alcohol use, and I always wanted to be the life of the party and be the party fun guy.

So, you gotta be in party supplies. And so that's been my persona since early on, but it turned out that it became something more of an addiction. What you think is a weekend warrior, because I used to tell that to my parents -  I'm just a weekend warrior. I drink a little bit and smoke a little bit. It's no big deal, but really after school, and as you get out of the house, it becomes a crutch if you do it every night and if it's part of your everyday belief or mindset.  And here's the thing - I also, because I like to make money, I would never buy something small. I would buy something huge so that I could make money and also help supply my own habits. So really wanting to make sure I always had enough for my personal use, but I also didn't want to spend money to lose money.

I thought it was a bad investment to just buy 50 or a hundred dollars worth of drugs. I would buy more. So that's really what happened. It was the cause and effect of my addiction to my habits and also not wanting to lose money. 

Michelle: So  what were some of the losses that occurred because of everything that was going on in your life?

Jeff: Yeah, I think the one that I look to today, that's the one that I had to grow with was self-respect and you don't ever think about that. That was the one that really affected me. There was a moment where, right before I went to jail and the last time, I was arrested eight times in 13 months.   As my life was unraveling, I just kept getting arrested. The detectives were looking for me, so there was a lot to it, but,  I remember in this motel that I was living in the last couple of weeks before I got finally you're locked up and they said, you're not getting out again. I remember not looking in the mirror. I would turn the lights off so I couldn't see my eyes because I hated the person that I turned out to be. 

Cause I've done a lot of drug dealing in my life and never got arrested. And all of a sudden, for whatever reason, this methamphetamine took me to a place that I never ever thought I would be. And to places that I never ever thought I would be about. And so that self-respect was huge, but it also had a huge impact on my family.

I had a step son and a daughter and I was married and at one point, and this probably is going to be tough for me to say. I lost my family. And when my wife at the time, her name is Tamra, she's like, you need to get help.

She knew it and I kind of did too, but I basically chose drugs and alcohol and the partying over my little kid who was one and my family and the family unit. So the second thing I really lost was this family unit.

 And I hate to say this. I don't know if my ex-wife Tamra and that family unit ever really recovered from   that huge mistake, that loss has not just rippling effects in my life, but I know it hasn't been very easy for her as well. And I'm not talking just financially, just psychologically of kind of where it went.

Michelle: Well, it's hard to imagine if you're not  addicted to drugs, why someone would choose drugs  over. Over a loving family. 

Jeff: Yeah. It's a really good, it's a great thought to say, because people love the addict and if it was love that solved the addict’s problem, they wouldn't be an addict because there's so much love.

You know, I'm around a lot of people still today that are dealing with the addiction and I've heard people say I've gone to 25 or 30 rehabs and spent $400,000 in all these 30-day treatments and their families mortgage their house to get this person out - that's love, but love isn't the solution.

So that big part of losing my family and having an impact and even my little daughter today, you know, We've had to work through a lot because there's moments in time that I've heard several times, dad, you abandoned me, you know, you left me and I couldn't stay in that area anymore. And my daughter's like, you left me dad. And so, we've had to work through a lot of abandonment issues because of that.

Michelle: Well, you talked about people going in and out of rehab and you know, you hear a lot of stories like that. They go, and then they fall back into drugs. Did you ever do a rehab?

Jeff:  My rehab was the CDC -stands for California Department of Corrections.

Unfortunately, I didn't get some of those fluffy, nice places. I had to several times detox on a jail bed and sweat it out. You know, do all terrible stories of throwing up and just detoxing on a withdraw myself. And so sometimes I kind of get frustrated. Like you can't make it here, but some of us have to do it in another areas that is not very, you know, not very fun and very comfortable.

And you know, it's pretty humbling to have someone go, why are you throwing up and what's going on? So, no, I never did. I've never been able to, I didn't go to rehab.

Michelle: Well, you and I talked before, and you mentioned that while you were in, that one of your fellow inmates gave you a Bible and talked to you about God. So, can you talk about what happened there and how it changed things going forward?

Jeff: I mean, that's the greatest story of my life. I mean, I don't know if you're listening today and I'm thankful that you're listening. Thanks for having me again, but this is really like a, kind of a story that you would see in the in the Bible.

There's this book of Acts and it's just the history of the church. This is kind of what happened to me. Is this guy named Sal Magnaloni. I love this guy. I wish I could find him, and really share with him what he did to me. He basically gave me a Bible one day and this story is crazy. He gave me this Bible and he says, God's telling me to have you read the Bible.

And he goes, Jeff, you told me like a week and a half ago that you should pick up that Bible sitting on the dresser over there, on this bunk that we were sharing and read the Bible. And he goes, now, God is telling me you need to take this Bible. And I'm like, All right. And, so I took this Bible and I'm not kidding within less than five minutes, I've got this Bible I'm kind of weeping and going, man, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the solution. And all of a sudden over the loudspeaker in this jail cell, I get a call. I have a visitor, so they call my number and say, you have a visitor, you need to be ready in 10 minutes to walk up.

And, so they walk you up and I'm thinking in my head, who's coming to visit me? I'm hoping it's my ex-wife and my kid. I thought that was the solution. And you know who it was?  Momma.  My mom showed up. And so now I'm embarrassed because I see my mom and she's waiting for me. And she comes up and gives me a hug and she says, you know, I love you. I'm thankful that I found you. She hadn't been able to find me for a year cause I'd been in and out of jail and been locked up.  You know, just the, the pain that you could see on this poor woman's face, and she says, Jeff, and she gives me that stern look like she still does the day when she's serious. She goes, God wants you to read his word. I came to tell you that. And I'm like, mom, this kid. Sorry, this kid just gave me a Bible and I didn't really understand what it meant and how big it was, because it was really huge for me because trust me, I've been in church before, you know, gone to church regularly and never really had the relationship of reading the Bible and making it part of my life.

And now out of nowhere, this kid gives me a Bible. My mom gives me a Bible. And from that point the radical change of what I thought God was to who he really is changed my life. And this is what I mean. I was always raised that religion or, you know, church is tradition. You just go in and it's traditional.

It's what you do. And then you go have breakfast or you have coffee and donuts, or, and it's kind of what you do. But what I found out was is God doesn’t care about the tradition. He cares about my heart and my relationship. And, so I had to, in the stinky jail cell with a bunch of stinky men, I had to have the guts enough to read this Bible because this kid gave it to me.

And my mom is telling me, this is what God wants you to do. And I didn't even know, God spoke, let alone that he would speak to me. And at this point I hadn't really heard God speak. And, so it was really a crazy thing.  So what happened, that night I go into my bunk and there's a hundred and six, a hundred and twenty six guys in this bunk. And they're split up 164 and 64. So I guess it's 128 and I'm sitting on my bunk and I've got this Bible and I got it underneath my pillow because I'm embarrassed to read it until everybody's lights out.

And then there's no real light to read, but I'm looking for lights. So, lights out, I read. And I don't understand what I'm reading. It's this big, long, this guy begot that guy, begot that guy, and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like this isn't gonna work. And, so I put the book down and I said, God, if you're really real, like, and if you really can speak and you can tell someone to give me a Bible and my mom comes, you know, six hours to find me if this is really you, will you do something?

Because tomorrow I have to go to court and I've got all these cases. I've got possession case. I got stolen property cases. I got fraud cases. They're all in different courtrooms. Just do something to show me that you are really real and viable. Right. So, you know, because I'm a male and I think I need rationale and I don't think it's just a male thing, I think we all need it, but I'm like, show me something real, you know? 

And so I go to court and I see my attorney and she's like, You're not going to believe this, something weird has happened. This judge who's in a higher level has called all your cases. You had four different or five different pending cases. He's called them all up to this higher level and he wants you to come in on Thursday. So, what does that mean when you say this is kind of, she goes, I've never seen it in my 17 years. She, and she said these words, it's like a miracle and I started to cry.  

 So anyways, that night I, I go back to my little bunk and get my Bible out after everybody's in bed because I don't want to show that I read the Bible because I think it's weak and it's not really for me. And so I go, God, that was amazing. But, if you're really real, do something with my case, because they were offering a big amount of time-It was like 10 years. So, it was not a short amount of time.

And I'm thinking, first of all, I've never really been locked up. And now in 13 months I'm locked up eight times and now I'm looking at 10 years and my whole world was blown away. So anyways, so that Thursday I show up and she goes, if you go up to this judge and you confess that you're an addict, he'll give you 10 months instead of 10 years and I said, I'll tell him whatever you want me to do. And honestly, I didn't believe in myself that I was an addict at the time, but then as I start thinking about it and I'm like what right person that makes $200,000 plus a year with a job selling, you know, high-end stuff in Silicon Valley ends up here?

Drugs have taken me to this place. And so I had to come to this realization pretty quickly that yes, I have a problem. And so, and in my family, there's people that have used N.A. and A.A as part of their life. So I kind of knew the solution, but it wasn't really for me, cause I didn't want to give up that lifestyle of sorts. Right. Because that's how I made my living. I was a sales guy, and the life of the party guy and so making a lot of money, and so it was really hard for me. So anyways, I confessed it.

And that night, the ladies like this is crazy. I've never seen anything. And she goes, you have somebody watching over you. That's what she says. Right?  I wish I would go back to her and go, this is God, this is God, because this could only be God, because you see these stories in the Bible and when they come real and true, you think this is important.

So that night, my friend Sal comes back to me and goes, Hey, did they have a church service tonight? Do you want to go?  It's Thursday night, this guy's really good. He brings his guitar, plays a few songs and then preaches the gospel and I'm like, yeah, let's go. And so he sang some songs and gave a message and this guy was really passionate. I mean, really passionate. And at the end he goes, does anybody want to change their life forever?  And then he goes, this isn't playtime Christianity.  This isn't jailhouse trying to change your life so that everybody sees you different so you can get out.  He's talking about eternally, changing your destiny for something that you couldn't do on your own.

And in my heart, that was me. And so as he was talking about it, I just stand up in front of all these men and I just run to him and fall on my knees and he prayed for me.

And he said, Jeff, if you're serious, put your name in my book and I'm going to pray that God's gonna use you. And, uh, that was the beginning of a change of life. And you think about it. It's not what I wanted. I never wanted to be a godly man. I never wanted to be a Jesus thumper. That wasn't my goal, or, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's just never who I thought I was going to be. But at this point of my life was really a powerful place that I don't share enough. And I thank you for letting me share this because it's something that's good and healing for me, but I know it can be healing for other people. 

And, and so I was going to say this, the timeout was critical. And so a lot of people go, how do I help my kid they're in jail or they're going to jail? I'm like, let them go and let them get it out of the rhythm of life. Send them a Bible, put them on prayer lists. Give them some chance to really do the searching. Cause if I didn't have to do 10 months, I probably wouldn't have been where I'm at today because the time really made me think about where I'm at and what my life really means. So a lot of times we think, oh, let's go through the easy, softer way. That's not how life works.

Michelle:  And that’s what we talk about here on the podcast - all these different things that we go through in life that change us, but they bring us to a place that's, it's beautiful sometimes, but it's so hard getting there.

Jeff: Yeah, and that loss is a critical thing. Loss changes our life.

We can make it, change us for the negative and it can be an anchor that'll drown us and bring us to the abyss, which it does to a lot, or it can be the catapult to just an amazing fruitful life. Even after what you don't think can be life after that loss. And then you can share it, then you can share it.

Michelle:  Well, I want to say that, you know, we know now through your story, that you're a pastor. So your story obviously ended well, and you're currently in a much better place with your family and with God, but it seems almost unrealistic to tell someone, especially, you know, if they're an addict and they're listening, or the family of one, that faith is the answer to all of our problems and that all we need is Jesus.

So. What about getting to the issues that brought you to this place to start with? Isn't it important to also look at the root cause? 

Jeff:  Yeah. I love it.  The root cause is a big part of what's changed me. And I feel like we have to be this way in life. And this is something we talked about off the podcast. I think we have to be archeologists and go back into our past. And I'm talking from a young kid and from and from other parts of our life, I told you some stuff that happened to me as a young child. When I know that even though I don't like it, it helps me navigate and shows me where I ended up and how to deviate from that place. Right.

Michelle:  It's so hard. 

Jeff:  It's so hard. But when we go backwards, we actually find faith and we find solutions. So this is a churchy thing, but when we look backwards in life, we see the hand of God and the faith of God so that we can look forward and know that I can find a hope in God in the future. So that's a churchy thing.

I want to just point that out. But in life, when you're asking this question, what is the root cause? What I've had to find out is the root of my addiction is selfish and self-centeredness. And when I know that, and I know that's the enemy that's within me, then I have to, now when I find my selfish behavior rear it’s ugly head, I then can combat it with the tools that God has given me and the tools that recovery gets us.

You can go into a rehab. Here's what I say. You can go in and spend $30,000 to do a rehab for 28 days. You don't even get the full 30. Right. And you know what they give you?  After 28 days, they give you a big book- Of alcoholics anonymous or N. A. and they say, here's how you stay sober because here's the thing - Anybody can get sober- Oh, my wife's going to leave me, my kids are going to kick me out, my spouse, my boyfriend, whatever. I've got to clean up, but you can get sober, but can you stay sober? 

My story has been, I've been able to do one day at a time stringing one day at a time to stay, stay sober without having to go backwards. And I've used the God concept or the God of our understanding to help me bridge those days together. So it makes up something valuable. Does that make sense?

Michelle:  Yes, I love that because I think, you know, a lot of times people will think that's what we talk about when we talk about, you know, running to God as we have in some of the other podcasts that's important, but that root cause thing that you talked about, if you don't, if you aren't willing to kind of peel the onion back and look at the issues in your life, How can God, you know, really work and get in there? So I love the way you stated that. 

Jeff:  I was going to also say this though, but here's, here's that root cause of really understanding it's breaking down, who I really am to the core level, because we don't want to do that. And the program teaches you how to get outside of self. 

Michelle: Well, talk about that from a male perspective, because I know that when you do that, and you look at yourself, you have to be vulnerable. And that isn't typically a masculine quality in today's world. 

Jeff: No, we're not taught that we're taught to get up, put some dirt on it, shake it off. You know, that's just not who we are. And before I became a pastor and you know, if you've ever seen me speak, I cry a lot on stage because I used to mask my emotions with drugs and alcohol. And I would never let anybody see the weakness of me, but what I found out, the more vulnerable and the more transparent, the better I am. So, I get up there and speak and get everybody weeping and the mascara's moving and all the guys are like, you're not supposed to make me cry.

But what it does is honestly it's a healing element from me and then God shines in that brokenness and heals that moment. And that's really the root here is to be selfless, which is the opposite of selfishness, you know, selfish and self-centered is my root cause it's always going to be my struggle.  And I have to look at and do the archeology thing. Go back and go why am I being selfish and self-centered?

Michelle:  Just then when you said that it triggered in my mind, we talked about self-care and I think that's something that the world encourages us to do.  Talk about the difference between self-care and others care. 

Jeff:  Yeah. So, I've learned so much in my life, but there's really three things that have changed me. To be a different person, and this is what I've learned in recovery. And I didn't learn it in Christianity.  What I learned in recovery is to pray correctly that God relieves me of this addiction or relieve me of this ailment, relieve me of alcoholism. And I didn't ever ask that. I'd make prayers- oh the flashing lights coming, Help me, God. Well, that's not being specific. The program taught me to be state specific - relieve me of this addiction, relieved me of selfish wants and behaviors. I never had that prayer before. Right. And, so the recovery program teaches you to go after things specifically and ask God specific things because God is very detailed.

So here's the three things though that I tell people all the time, what I learned, about the solution from self care is that when I'm focused on helping other people, that's really where I grow in my solution. Helping other people is the solution to anything all the time. Does that make sense? 

I was talking to someone the other day. Depressed and suicidal. And when you're in that mode, If you can get 15 minutes or 30 minutes of freedom from that darkness, it's, it's like a breath of fresh air. It's like a glass of water and you haven't had it in 24 hours. It's that refreshing that even 15 minutes of that dark thought and what I always challenge somebody- go and help someone go give that homeless person a dollar. Not because you’re worried about what they're going to do with it. It gets you outside of yourself. And so that's the first thing. Really self-care is important when you're doing life. But when you're trying to get sober, you need to get outside of self. Because an addict like myself, I think about myself all the time. I was self-caring myself with all the drugs, right? Because I wanted to get rid of that, the thing. So that's number one. The second thing is being in conscious daily contact to what they say in recovery, a higher power, which I know to be God, where I have to tether myself to something outside of myself.  

And think about this.I didn't do this on my own. I don't know how I got here. I do know that God helped me, but somebody else's like - is God gonna really work for me? Well, I had to tether myself to what we would call a God concept or a higher power, which I know to be God and Jesus, but that tethering finally for the first time in my life, anchored me to something that I can now build a whole life around.

Constant contact, staying connected. And so that's really huge. And then the last one I really want to do is living for today. And I know it's like I live on my street is called Paseo. Yolo. You only live once. Everybody's like you live on Yolo and I'm like, yeah, I do. But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about, I have enough in this day to live for there's enough tragedy and there's a enough grace and mercy in every day that I need to be present and  available and accounted for. And I didn't live like that. I was a sales guy and I was a marketing guy and I was this guy and that guy, and I was always thinking about things.

And today I just try and keep myself in the here and now. And I know that sounds kind of cliche, but I'm just talking about, okay, what's my next thing I can do?  What, you know, what's the best thing? 

Michelle:  So are there any more lessons that you can share with somebody who might be in a situation like yours? 

Jeff:  You know, one of the things that I'm really kind of focused on right now, and I'm kind of frustrated.  Americans don't know what loss is. You know, every time that I think about these holidays and you know, the Independence Day, I know it sounds weird. Um, if you've ever been put away for a little while on timeout, and that's what I call it, my big boy time out. I understand what freedom is about.

And I think everybody needs to get locked up for a little bit to realize what freedom really means, because it's not what people mean. I learned what freedom is today. Here's what freedom is for me. I play within the rule box that if you like football or sports, the only way you can score is doing everything with inbounds. And that's what freedom is. It's not doing anything and everything. It's about playing within the rules and living that life to the fullest within the rules so that I can score victory, does that  make sense?

Michelle: Yes, and I think about how, when people are afraid to  start going to church or to start a relationship with God, because they think now I'm going to have all these rules and it's going to change my life. But there's freedom, like you talked about in following those rules.

Jeff: Yeah. Well, and we talked about it the other day. I'm not a religious person.  That frees me because I don't have to be a religious. They're like, well, you're a pastor, you gotta be religious. And I'm like, they say, Christianity is a religion.

I follow a guy named Jesus. And in the Bible, there's these red letters that he talks to us specifically. And I get goosebumps all over my body when I think about it, because I don't have to follow man's rules. I follow what God wants me through his son. And there's freedom in that. And I never knew that because now today, 20 years later, I have this relationship and I want to let you know, there is so much more freedom out there that most of us don't know.

 Another one, and this probably is the most important thing that I have to say is God doesn't waste anything. You know he doesn't have a big baggage to trash in your life going, I can't use any of this.

The truth is he can use everything.  So sometimes our biggest strength is our weakness, but sometimes the weakest moment in my life that loss that devastating thing becomes, the biggest strength in something that I use.

And so here's what I would say that the worst thing that happened to me - I was going to jail and losing my family and having to tell my kid, yeah, I left you because of drugs and alcohol, nobody wants to say that. And I was honest with my kid. I didn't lie and try and cover it up, but I need, I need everybody to hear that God has used everything that I've gone through. And used it for His good. 

Like I got a divorce – Pastors aren't supposed to get divorced. I got it before I was a pastor, but I talk about divorce and destroying the marriage and how to make a good marriage work because I know how to fail. Right. And if you look at every successful business person, they've had a big failure or two to get them to that success.

The second thing is I talk about addiction and alcoholism all the time. I do interventions for free. Everybody's like you don't charge? And I'm like, I'm not giving away something that was freely given to me. So I do a lot of interventions of just coming to families and saying, Hey, my father and my kid, whoever needs help. And we talk about it and we give them solutions. So God didn't waste any of that. 

And then the last thing is. That as I look at my past, I tell people your past is your future. Right. You know, when we were talking about that, the other day that we look backwards and we see something and God can use it and then help other people. And today everything that's happened negatively, I see God  helping other people through me every day was crazy. Yeah.

Michelle: Well, Pastor Jeff, thank you so much for agreeing to be on the show today Your story of addiction and recovery is so inspirational and I know it will touch a lot of people out there.

So for those of you listening today, if you have a friend or a loved one that might benefit from this podcast, be sure to pass it on to them.

And if you want to know more about Pastor Jeff's church and ministry, check out the links in the description below. It is our prayer that if you or someone you love is struggling with addiction or is currently serving time in jail as a result of their crimes related to addiction, that you will not lose hope, know that there are stories out there like pastor Jeff's of people who have radically turned their lives around by faith in God.

So as always, I appreciate your feedback. So leave a comment below, or send me an email at callmequalified@gmail.com. Let me know your story, or if there's a topic you want to hear more about and be sure to subscribe, to get alerts when the next episode drops.

Thanks for listening.