Breaking Free From Depression

Michelle:  Well, Hey everybody. And welcome back to qualified. I'm Michelle Heaton. On this episode, we're going to discuss a topic that I believe many people need to hear about today - Depression.  In the last few weeks, as I was preparing for this podcast, I talked to several people who are struggling in some way from overwhelming sadness, grief, and loneliness. And all of these emotions are normal and natural, as we know, and in many cases, they're completely justified because of the adversity that we can experience in life. But what about depression? How do we know if it's more than just sadness or grief?

 Today's guest is another well-known individual here in our local community. She received her teaching credentials from San Diego State University and spent many years creating curriculum and instructing students in a classroom setting.  Later in her life, she took her education and experience on the road and traveled extensively as a missionary. On her trips, she and her colleagues provided for the educational needs as well as some of the physical needs of the various people groups in impoverished countries across the world.  Today I welcome Kimberly Rodriguez-Riedl to the podcast. Welcome Kimberly and thanks for being here!

Kimberly:  It's a pleasure to be here and Michelle, and I'm so excited for this podcast. 

Michelle:  Kimberly, I know you have a passion to help people in this area, especially young people, who are struggling with depression.  You're an educator by profession, but your personal experience with overcoming depression certainly qualifies you to share the lessons you learned with us today.  So can you begin by telling us how you knew you were depressed and the emotions you were experiencing were more than just sadness? 

Kimberly:  You know, that's a really great question, Michelle, and I think, the way it worked in my life is actually I looked back over my experience and I don't think it was really until I was medically diagnosed by a doctor in my thirties that I could look back over my life and realize that I was probably suffering from depression, even as a child and as a teenager.  But some of the feelings that I had was a deep sense of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness, and isolation. 

Michelle:  Well, let's talk about the cause then. Were you aware of anything specific that was at the root of it, or were there any events in your life that you believe contributed to the depression?

Kimberly:  I think as I began the process of healing, I was able to go back and look at some of the things that happened in my childhood and in my teenage and even young adult years that contributed to this feeling of depression. And as I pondered my life, I realized the fact that when I was a very small child I was sexually abused by a teenage babysitter.  At five years old, my parents went through a divorce. And so, I think those two events, kind of started with just an overwhelming sense of sadness about my life. And then I think as I moved into the teenage years, I began to self-medicate because I just felt sad. And so, I got caught up in drinking and even using drugs as a teenager, probably, you know, 14, 15 years.  So those were things that I think led to the depression. I also had a very traumatic experience at about 17 where, I was physically raped and I think that experience, it shattered me. It caused me so much emotional pain.  And so, those things I think really set me up for feelings of shame and isolation. I think the other thing that happened with me is because I'm an introvert. I held all that stuff in. I didn't share it with anybody. I didn't tell anybody what happened to me. And so I just lived, in the silent pain of a life that had experienced a lot of trauma and tragedy, but I didn't know what to do with it or where to go with it.

Michelle:  Okay. So you didn't feel like you had anyone you could trust? 

Kimberly:  I really didn't. I really felt alone in it. And I, I think, you know, when you're a teenager, you don't necessarily go to your parents because you're, you're afraid that they're going to punish you or that they're going to, they're not going to handle it well. And so I know for me, I just felt like I had to, I had to just bear it. I had to just deal with it. 

Michelle:  Well, you told me that later, when you were attending college, you met a man and you eventually got married. And you said you both were using drugs and alcohol together, and that the marriage ultimately came to an end. How did that then impact your condition, the condition that you already in? 

Kimberly:  Well, I think I know personally that when I went into the marriage, obviously I had the depression and I had the pain and I had the brokenness that I hadn't really dealt with, so I took that with me into the marriage as a young woman.  It lasted for about three years and I think I was. I was so broken and he was, and we went through some difficult things as a couple, and we just didn't know how to navigate it. And we started drinking and using drugs and our pain and, and I think ultimately that destroyed the marriage.

It's like, all we did was hurt each other. And then numb the pain. And I came away, I think feeling like a failure and especially because my parents had gotten a divorce and it hurt me so deeply. And then to go through my own divorce and realize that marriage was really challenging and that I had failed, it kind of sent me into a deeper depression.

 Michelle:  Can you describe some of the ways you acted out and your depression or some of the things that happened that indicated you needed help?

Kimberly: I know as a teenager, the ways that I acted out was through using drugs and alcohol. And I think once I went through the divorce, I went back to kind of that same coping skill. I was in so much pain as I separated from my husband and trying to figure out what my new life was going to be like that I got involved with many relationships with other men.  I continued to use and drink in my pain and in my shame. And so I think those behaviors actually made it worse, you know, alcohol is actually a depressant and so you take a depressed person and then you take a depressant, it's actually gonna escalate. It's gonna make it worse. And so those were the main things that I did.

I think there also, in my life, one of the challenges that I've had is, with weight. And I think there's a tendency, at least for me to gain weight, to do emotional eating, you know, . And so then that would also affect me negatively, you know, and I would, I would feel bad about myself.

Yeah. Your self-esteem is really low. Yeah. And so I think those were the main negative things that I did as a result of my failed marriage.

So after my marriage, I kind of spun out of control. And as a result of my risky behavior, I actually found out I was pregnant. And so, when I discovered I was pregnant and I, and I wasn't married, it filled me with a lot of shame and because you know, every little girl desires to get married and have a house and have a family and my life, wasn't going according to plan.

And so, I remember that day very clearly, the thought came into my head - You should just kill yourself. And so, I contemplated driving my Mustang off of Highway One as I was driving to Ventura County from Orange County. And so yeah, there, there was a couple of times in my life, the depression and the pain was so deep that the only solution seemed to be to just end it all.  Just take your life. And I know I reached that point actually, surprisingly, as I was working on the mission field and helping other people, I fell into a very deep pit of despair and not only was I experiencing depression and feeling like my life was, you know, worthless and that, how could I even help anybody in my condition?

I just felt like suicide was, was maybe an option and I recognize that's a very, very, very dangerous way to think, but not only was I having suicidal thoughts, I was having anxiety. And so, in addition to the depression, I was also, all of a sudden, I went from, you know, maybe having emotional eating to like, not even wanting to eat.  Like the, the depression was so deep that I had no appetite and I was having trouble sleeping. And so, I was having kind of some anxiety and some panic attacks along those lines. And so yeah, all of those things coupled together just made it feel like the only way out seemed like suicide. And, now I know that that is never an option. 

Michelle: I think you told me at some point that the thought of your son entered into your mind and that was what stopped you. Do you want to talk about that ?

Kimberly:  Yes, I do. I remember thinking at one particular moment, I was. I was involved in some very destructive, harmful behavior. And, yes, I considered killing myself and then I thought of my son and I thought, how could I do that to him? How could I do that to my family?  They didn't deserve that kind of pain and that kind of grief. And how could I hurt them? That was a really selfish thing for me to think that taking my life was actually going to fix it because it was going to leave my son basically as an orphan. And you know, my parents were going to grieve, the loss of their daughter.

Michelle:   It’s amazing that you had the clarity of mind in the state you were in.

Kimberly:  Yeah. That was a miracle 

Michelle:  So you didn't really have anyone to talk to, but did you ever seek any medical help or look into medication? 

Kimberly:  Yes. And I think when I had that thought of suicide, I was actually getting some counseling. So, I had started the process. I went to a medical doctor and I was taking antidepressants and I was seeing a counselor. So that was kind of the beginning of my healing process. I don't think maybe the medicine kicked in yet and on top of that because I was doing the counseling, it was stirring up a lot of pain for me. And so I was doing my old coping skill, which was to self-medicate and so I was drinking while on the meds and so that was kind of counteracting, I think, you know, the treatment.

Michelle: Yeah, they don't advise you to do that.  I think it's important too, that you talked about therapy and medication together, which is really good, but therapy can kind of stir up all of that and it's painful. It's a hard process to go through so it's quite a balancing act. . . So Kimberly, we talked about some of the losses, sadly the abuse, the rape, the loss of your marriage, but I know there were many other losses that you had to go through.  Can you talk about some of the other ones? 

Kimberly:, I think one of the main things that I felt like I lost through this was like a sense of self-worth and dignity. And I know there was a certain point where I had trouble even looking at myself in the mirror. I was so disgusted with who I'd become because of this, risky, dangerous behavior that I was engaging in. But I honestly felt trapped. I didn't know. I didn't know the way out and there was a temporary loss that, I think I shared with you when I finally decided to go into like a, an outpatient drug program. I actually took my son to my parents' house and dropped him off. And he spent probably three months, I think, or something living with his grandparents. So, I lost, you could say I lost custody of my son while I got my life back together.  And I know even though it didn't happen, I realized that a certain point that if I didn't get help, I could permanently lose custody of my son.

You know, I think one of the things that was really heartbreaking to me, and especially in my later years after I had my son is I had so much shame that, that I had had a child out of wedlock and that he didn't have a father. And so there was a point in my life, especially when he was really small, where I started looking for a husband because I really did want to get married again, and I wanted to give him a father, but for whatever reason, I just never found that right person.

But I think,  my whole life, because he grew up without a father, I had a lot of shame about that. And one of the things that that happened as I looked at my life, although my parents got divorced when I was a child, my mom got remarried when I was eight years old. And so, I had a stepdad. So the thing that really destroyed me was that I had two dads in essence. I had a father and I had a stepdad and my son grew up without a father. And to a certain extent, I blamed myself a lot for that. That he grew up not having a father in his life and I really wanted to make up for the fact that he didn't have a dad.

And I couldn't seem to do that. Yeah. And so, I think there was loss there. And I think the other loss that I experienced was when I grew up as a child, there were four of us. And so, we spent a lot of time together as kids and I liked having brothers.  It was really fun and we had a fun childhood. So, I never wanted to just have one child. I always thought I'd like to have three or four kids, you know?

And so I think that was another loss that I really experienced when I realized I never met the right person. I never got remarried. And my son grew up without a father and without brothers and sisters. And he, he always had that longing for me to get married again. He always wanted that and I couldn't give it to him. I think it's because I was so afraid to get married again. I was so afraid to get hurt again. That that's just how things ended up. 

And I also felt like I was risking the loss of my teaching job and the loss of my reputation in the community because of the things that I was involved with. And so, I'm so thankful that that didn't happen, but I could feel that I was on the verge of that. And, and that's when I made the decision that I need to get help.  And so, I went into this outpatient program. I asked my parents for help. I continued with the counseling. And then I actually started going to 12-step programs, started going to AA. And so that  was the beginning of healing for me, where I was actually dealing with all of the things that had built up in my childhood and in my teenage years in my twenties and I hit about 30, you know, and I kind of had that emotional breakdown.

I realized I needed help and I couldn't do it on my own. So that was the beginning of a healing process. 

Michelle:  How important is it to realize all of those things and what part they played in your depression? 

Kimberly:  I think they're vitally important and I recognize now that I was living kind of a prison of my own making because I didn't trust anyone. And I didn't talk to anyone and I didn't share with anyone what was going on in my heart. And I was keeping secrets and I was living with pain and shame, and it's almost like I was being a martyr and nobody knew. And so, it wasn't until I started admitting that I was struggling and admitting that I needed help and started asking people for help that things started to change for me. And so, yeah, I feel like it's so important I've come to realize especially through this last season of, you know, COVID and being on lockdown how important relationships, physical touch, human contact and looking at other people in the eyes. How important all of those things are. And I also realized one of the most self-destructive things that I did is that I bore my pain in silence. And so when I began to talk about things that had happened in the past and what I was struggling with when I started being honest and I started sharing with people that I felt like I could trust, that's when I found my voice. And that's when the healing began. 

Michelle:  I think that's great because I mean, naturally if we have things that have happened in our past that are shameful to us, nobody wants to put that out there to other people and we wonder how that could even happen. You know, I know so many people that are just against the idea of therapy or any kind of revisiting the wounds because it's just too painful. But I think it's important. Like you said, I also agree.  So I know that you ultimately had a spiritual experience in the Mexico missions field. When you finally started to rely on your faith and realize God's love for you, which resonated in your heart and broke down the lies that you had been believing about yourself.

So Kimberly, please talk to anyone listening right now and share those important lessons you learned during this journey that helped you to rise above the depression and begin to take one day at a time. 

Kimberly:  Yeah, I think if there's anything I can share with those of you that are struggling with depression, I would say the first thing is, is to find someone that you can trust and talk to them, tell them about what's really going on in your heart and in your life. And I think the other thing is find someone you can be really honest with and you can open yourself to.  I know I did talk about  seeking a medical professional, and also, taking medication if that’s necessary. But I think my faith really came in when I was in Mexico and I went through my last bout of anxiety and suicidal thoughts and depression.

And I asked people, please pray for me. And I was honest about what I was going through. I asked for prayer and I felt the love of a community around me who began to pray for me and, and to encourage me as I was in that place of deep, dark depression. I think the things that really helped me break free from the depression was just like you said, I had an overwhelming sense of God's love for me. And I think the shame and the unworthiness that I felt kind of went away when I realized how much God loved me. 

Michelle:  And you had never experienced that before?  

Kimberly: No, I never experienced it.  I think I knew it in my head. In fact, I remember, you know, as a small child, you know, learning that song “Jesus loves me this I know.  For the Bible tells me so.”  And so I think sometimes you can know something, you can have a knowledge in your head, but when that knowledge makes that very long trip into your heart and you go, wow, God loves me so much that he paid the ultimate price - his son. For me, you know, for my life. 

And I think also realizing that God had forgiven me for all of those mistakes that I had made. Like he forgave me for all the shameful things that I did, all the things that I did to hurt myself and my pain. So that, that sense of being loved and that sense of being forgiven really began to break the chains that I felt like were holding me back in my life. And I think the other thing that happened is I started to realize that there were a lot of lies that I believed about myself. That I was unlovable, that I was unworthy of love and even getting married again. There were a lot of lies that I was believing about myself. And when I really started recognizing that those were lies, like that my life wasn't valuable and I'd be better off dead - I started realizing, no, God, God's the one who gave me life, you know? And, and he decides when it's my time to go, who do I think I am to actually take my own life?

So a lot of those things I, I began to work through and I would say the biggest thing. That I learned in Mexico as I was going through this process of healing is actually forgiveness. I began to forgive those people who had hurt me so deeply as a child and as a young person, I began to forgive them for the things that they did that caused me so much pain. And as I forgave others, I got set free. And, that one act right there, I think helped me. It gave me such a passion to help other people realize, you know what? You may not want to forgive someone who hurt you so deeply, but that will actually set you free. It's the key to your freedom.

And that's what I discovered about forgiveness. And so I actually have a passion to help people who are broken. And whose hearts have been broken through trauma and different things that have happened in their life.  To help them forgive people who've hurt them. 

 If you are in that place of deep, dark depression, and you're feeling hopeless and you're feeling like there's no way out of whatever you're going through, suicide is not an option!  You have so much to live for. And I know just recently I heard the testimony of a young woman who actually attempted suicide. And now that young woman is working with special needs kid. She's a teacher. She has a beautiful life. And I, when I think about my own life and the beautiful things that I've experienced, because I didn't go through with the thought in my head that I was just better off dead, I would have missed out on so many wonderful experiences.

And so please, if, if you're having thoughts of suicide, if you've attempted it, please reach out, ask for help because you are so loved. You are so important. You're so special and your life has value and it has meaning. And there are so many people out there that are willing to help you. There are so many resources available to you, so please, consider reaching out for help.

And I think for me, one of the things that's really helped me through this process is having a community of faith and actually having a relationship with. And those things also have really helped bring healing and freedom to my life. 

Michelle:  Yeah. I think when we, when we grow up believing one thing from the experiences in our life, it's so hard to shift that mindset, but I know that faith in God has done that for me as well. But again, you knew that God loved you, but it wasn't until you had that encounter with God that you really realized his love and you wouldn't be at that place today, had you not been through this depression and all the things  that happened. So I think that part is so beautiful because we walk through these, what we would consider tragic losses in our lives, but I think you can be really proud of the way  things turned out in your life.

Kimberly:  Oh yeah, for sure. For sure. 

 Michelle:  Well, Kimberly, thank you so much for addressing this important topic with us and for sharing the personal experiences you went through that brought you to the place of health you’re in today. And to those of you listening, if you or someone you know, is struggling with depression, please reach out for help today.

Check out the links in the description below that offer important information from professional organizations that are there and ready to help you right now. And as always, I appreciate your feedback about the show. So, send me an email at callmequalified@gmail.com or leave a comment below and also please be sure to subscribe to the channel and hit the bell icon to be notified when future episodes are released.

Thanks for listening.