Finding Beauty in the Pain - Life after the Death of my Daughter

Well, hey everybody and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss, to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. Life is short. We've probably all said that at one time or another. We encourage one another to enjoy life, to check off those items on the bucket list, to make amends with people and to live life to the fullest because, well, life is short. But as parents, most of us never really believe that statement will apply to our young children. For them, life has just begun. But as a mom who's lost a child at the young age of 17, that statement has proven to be true for me in the most profound way. And my guest today is another mom who's lost a child at the age of 17. Her sweet daughter Nicole was taken from this life suddenly, in a tragic off roading accident. She's a mom who is well acquainted with the brevity of this life. And she's on a mission to help others find hope and healing from the pain of such losses. She is a wife, a mother, a grandmother, an author, blogger and speaker. Her name is Kim Peacock, and it's my great honor to have her as my guest on the show today.Welcome to qualified Kim.

Thank you so much for having me, Michelle. I really appreciate it. It's an honor.

Of course. Well, Kim, I think so many families can relate to the fun of off roading weekends at Pismo Beach or riding dirt bikes in the desert. Because it's such a great way to enjoy the outdoors is sitting around a campfire and being together. So tell us a little bit about what your family enjoyed about it. And also please tell us about your daughter Nicole.

Well, Pismo is a special place and was a special place to our family for many years. My husband traveled so after Christmas, we would try to just all go extended family, whoever could go and just go camping, off roading, spend some time, just us outside. And that really was our favorite thing to do. As a family. We enjoy anything outside. And our daughter Nicole, of course, I'm her mom. So she was spectacular and amazing. But I really believe that God gave her a special spirit that we got to just witness on this earth. She was fun and full of energy and free. And she totally embraced every minute of every day. And her goal in life was just to make friends and to be there for people. It was so funny. We would be in just some random place and she would have a new friend and have their phone number our they were going to be pen pals, she was a pen pal, this was before texting, and she would have pen pals all over the place. And she just really enjoyed people. And very close a very close second to people were animals. And she probably got that for me. I'm an animal girl. I love critters, horses. Well, when she was about 11, she started riding and it just took root in her. And she just she had some of the craziest horses in the beginning. And she would just tame them down to semi rideable and work with them and spent most of her hours outside riding and eventually showing at a high level in the American Quarter Horse Association. We were able to travel and she did very well in that world. But even in that world, her first goal was to make a friend at every show. And she said it all the time. Okay, I'm gonna go make friend now and she'd go out and love on people and she just had that magnetic personality that it still inspires me.

Well, she sounds very special and very loving and kind. Okay, so now for background. Can you tell us a little about the accident that took place that day in December?

Sure. We were at Pismo it was three days after Christmas and packed up most of the family. Not everyone was able to go our daughter Lisa, who was a year younger than Nicole. She was not able to go she had to stay back because she had a basketball tournament. So we loaded up Christmas wrapping still on the floor of the house. leftovers in the fridge basically left everything laying as it was And we all piled in the car with our camp gear and our off roaders. And we headed off to Pismo. And we had just gotten camp set up there and, and we decided to go out on the dunes and ride and Nicole was kind of holding back because she was letting everybody else ride the quads and the ATCs. And, and I encouraged her, I said, Nicole, you need to go take a turn, you know, you need to go ride a little bit and enjoy yourself. So she's like, okay, so she got on the three wheeler and I was on another sand dune, across, across the way and just with our youngest son and, you know, hanging out at the truck, just enjoying the sun. And it was one of those days, that was a perfect day that you enjoy the sunshine, you're together. And I remember thinking it doesn't get much better than this. And about that time I looked upon a high sand dune, and just in time to see someone riding a three wheeler at a high rate of speed, straight off the sand dune. And it did not occur to me right at that moment, but it was Nicole. When it did, things started clicking in like slow motion for me as I saw her fall and land at the bottom on her head with ATC the three wheeler on top of her. My husband and his dad got to her first because I was quite a ways away. They pulled off her helmet, and she was not responsive. So we're way out in the middle of the sand dunes and ambulance can't make it out there. So they began doing CPR put her in the back of the truck. And they took off for the beach to meet the ambulance we call 911. And then once the ambulance got there, the paramedics began to work on her. I had stayed back because I'm just like, go go go, which was one of those decisions that I've wrestled with. I talked about that in my book. But I've wrestled with that should I have gone? You know, we doubt everything we do when we're in those kinds of situations. But I got a ride with a couple that took me up there and I was just praying, Lord, please help her breathe, please help her breathe. As we came around and saw my truck there it was surrounded with people, the paramedics were working on her. And I caught my husband's eye. And I could tell it was it was not good. I couldn't really get to her because of the crowd. But I was able to get up and touch her little foot, you know, while they were working on her and they put her in the ambulance. And my husband rode with her in the ambulance to the hospital. I got a ride with the Ranger. And I was just praying back and forth. Lord, please, please help her breathe, saying it over and over. And the Ranger put his hand up mine. And he said, Just keep praying. Now in my mind, I believed that meant he was God was going to heal her. But what I didn't know at the time, and I came to realize that I had to keep praying that this was life or death. And I had to keep praying life or death for my soul. So when we got to the hospital, we continue to pray outside her door. And they asked us to go into the waiting room. And so we're in the waiting room with the family members that were there. And the doctor came in and very bluntly said, well, basically she died at the beach. And from that moment, it's like the before and the after of my life. Yeah. And you know, and I know I believe you understand what I mean as well. We we gauge everything from that moment in time. And the chaplain asked, Can I pray the Lord's prayer with you. And we just asked him if we could just pray from our own hearts. And we we prayed together as a family and spent a while organizing the details that we needed to take care of. We were several hours from home, I had the kids we had you know that we had a dog with us. We had all of those things and the family just pitched in together to get us taken care of. And I had to walk out of that hospital and leave our girl there. And that was one of the hardest things because I kept thinking No, I cannot leave her. I can't. I can't leave her she needs me. And it's just this weird thing as a parent. You don't know how to reconcile, because you can't take in that reality. Right. And we then we made the long drive

I am so very sorry, Kim. I know that story is a hard home. one to relive. So thank you from my heart for sharing it with us. Kim in your book, you describe the details of that day. And those that followed and actually talk about some of the hard things a parent has to do when their child dies, like choosing whether or not to view their body one last time to make the drive home from the hospital without your child in the car to convey the news to other family members and then later pick out a casket and a burial site. Those are the brutal realities that a bereaved parent has to face. Why did you choose to include those details in the book?

Like you said,brutal realities, those are not things most of us ever think of having to do. We don't ever even picture having to do that for someone else, much less our child. Yeah. And walking out of that hospital was the hardest thing I ever did. Making that long drive home, it just felt like it took days. And I remember looking out when we would have to stop for gas, or food on the way home and I would look out and I think, How can those people be existing? Don't they understand what's happened, the rest of the world is doing all this stuff. And then going home and having to walk through just preparations, telling people all of those steps that we don't think about. And I included them in the book, because I think we're out of our element in that place. And if somebody is reading the book, during that time, I think that it's a really valuable thing for them to be able to go no, for one thing, no, this does happen. And it's okay, if I feel this way. And also to kind of help guide them through those processes. I do think there's a disconnect in our culture of knowing. I mean, you go to the funeral home, they will help you pick out a casket, but they're salespeople. And that's not to be rude about them, but it is the reality. But there's a disconnect between the accident or the death and being able to know how to handle those things. And I still feel like there's a disconnect and a need in our, in our culture for that. Right. So it's for those people, but also, I realized that a lot of people won't be reading my book until after they've walked through those things. And because we, we tend to question the decisions that we made, I want people to understand they are not alone. Yeah. And you don't make a wrong decision, you are just making the decision you can to get through that next day through that next step. And that those decisions are okay. And that that's okay. And and to let people know that they're not alone. Yeah, the book is designed to be a guide book. But if you read it after you walk through some of those steps, it's really to go, okay, somebody understands, yeah, this is important. I needed to be understood.

Yeah. And that's how it worked. For me. It was very affirming, you know, not every emotion that you experienced, I experienced in the same way, but a lot of them I did. So it was good to know, I wasn't alone. Good. So in chapter five of your book, reality sets in, you talked about the early days following Nicole's passing and how difficult it was going into her bedroom and seeing her discarded clothing on the floor, unfinished projects and other signs of her beautiful life that had ended so abruptly. And you said you used to lie in her bed and press her clothes into your face to soak in her sense. And I remember doing the same thing and Sean's room, and it was almost impossible to leave at times. Can you talk about those emotions that you were experiencing?

we stayed at their house for a while. But once I did go home, I didn't want to change anything. Those papers for her course show signups they were still on the calendar on the calendar that was full of events, not just for her, but family events. You know those things, especially at the end of the year, you're planning and it's part of being a family, you know, a parent. And so I didn't want to change anything. I didn't want to touch anything. I didn't want to move anything. And I would lay on the bed and just soak her in the best I could. I wanted to be able to have anything that was a tangible evidence of her life with me, because I didn't want any I didn't want to lose any other part of her. And that's not sustainable. It's not healthy for the long run. I do think it's a perfectly normal healthy thing to do. Especially in the beginning. It helps us ease our hearts into the reality of what's happened. But then eventually, since fade, things change for Lisa, our daughter Lisa, she shared her room with Nicole for fairness of her eventually we changed the room we took pictures of every place in the room. So I would have we would both have the memory of it what how it was with them together. But those two girls shared laughs and secrets and you know Eagles into the night in that room. And Lisa couldn't bear up under that she eventually she just couldn't. So we change those things. And I think that it was important for me to be able to let those things go gradually and understand that those are a natural part of it. But I couldn't hang on to them long term, because then I couldn't move on in my healing,right?

You shared about finding comfort in talking to other parents who had lost children, and even shared a story about meeting a man at Nicole's visitation the night before the memorial service, can you tell us about that person and why talking to other bereaved parents helped you?

I had heard his story before Nicole passed away. And his daughter, his teenage daughter got hit by a car in front of her high school when she was crossing the street. And it really rocked the community. And I don't know if I heard it, or if I read about him, but he when he would hear about parents who had lost a child in the community, he would reach out to them, sometimes financially contributing to them, or just to let them know that they're going to be okay. And first of all, I was struck that how brave that was to show up not knowing how you're going to be received. But also knowing every time you look into the eyes of a bereaved parent, your wound is going to get opened a little bit. And I don't even think I realized that until later as much. But looking at that man going, okay, he's standing, he's walking, he's breathing, if he can do that, because, you know, we don't feel like we can survive this pain. It really literally feels impossible, but to look at him, and then later other hurting parents and go, Okay, they're making it. They're six months down the road. They're seven years down the road, they're 20 years down the road. And look, they're making it they're breathing, they're living. And in a lot of cases, especially the further down the road. They're thriving. Yeah. So that was very important to me. And I really sought out those people. And now on this end, I hope to be those people. Yeah, yeah.

And I think you you are definitely doing that.You know, one of the things that many people experience after the loss of a loved one is finding difficulty and laughter and joy again, and you said that humor didn't feel right. And you thought if you laughed, it would diminish the significance of losing Nicole, can you talk about how that finally shifted in your mind?

Yeah, it did not feel right. Laughter. Smiling, even smiling just seemed, if I did smile, it was just on the outside and never reached my heart. And I really did feel like I was betraying her and sort of a way. Yeah. And Nicole was very silly. And she always made us laugh. So there were so many memories of, of her just making us crack up till we were crying, you know, and you know, tickling and being almost out of control, silly. And so one day I was driving in my car, and one of those memories popped into my mind. And without even thinking about it, I broke into a smile, a real smile. And I even chuckled. But in an instant, it went from smiling, laughing to crying, because those contrasts between joy and sorrow just hit. And I sobbed for quite a while I had to pull over. And I felt all the feelings I felt guilty. I felt like I betrayed her. I felt mad because this was happening. And I thought I can never allow this to happen again. And then I realized, no Nicole lived this way. What better way to honor her memory and her life, but to smile and also to, to honor if I don't enjoy that. It's almost like it didn't happen, if that makes sense. But to enjoy it and to savor it and to smile and go on to live my life that way doesn't diminish her. It actually honors her memory. And, and for me to live well. Helps to honor her memory. And I believe now that that opens the door to be able to and even sometimes now if I get too full of tasks and anxiety, I have to remind myself okay, you're not laughing enough. Because that, you know, it really is medicine to our soul. Yeah,

I like that very much. And it sounds like exactly what I experienced. It didn't feel right. But you know that they wouldn't want us to be unhappy Sean was the same way with the humor and the wit. And yeah,

they probably come and kick our rears if they totally would.

They totally would. Yeah. Okay, So many of us have questions in our mind about our loved ones passing. And we can really sink into the pit if we spend too much time, demanding answers that will never come. And you realize at one point that God doesn't owe us answers. And you talked about the book of Job and the Bible, and how he suffered so much loss. But then he said to God, I had only heard about you before. But now I have seen you with my own eyes. What does that mean to you? And why is it significant?

It was such a shift for me, because before, I believed that, if I was, did the right thing, lived a good life, nothing bad would happen to me. Now I know that that's not correct thinking, bad things happened to everybody. It was immature and also wanting to avoid pain. But what I realized was that God doesn't owe me an answer. Because when Nicole passed away, I thought, okay, if I can figure out, I was always trying to figure out how to fix myself, if I can fix my pain, or if I can do this. Well, I thought, if I can find out the big reason why, then I will be able to that will ease my pain, I'll be able to figure out and it will be all okay. Well, what I came to understand is my little heart, my little brain, I can't contain the reason why. And what God did, instead of giving me reasons why he gave me Little Blessings along the way, people's lives were changed along the way that I still have contact with. And that is a blessing. But at the same time, he picked me up in my sorrow, where I felt like, I wasn't going to survive. And he picked me up, he scooped up my face and looked at my pain. And he carried me through that pain. He wasn't afraid to look at me in my pain, he didn't get mad, because I was asking questions. And that's why I feel like now I know God, and I cannot grasp the bigness of God and who he is. But just a little bit of his character of his compassion towards me, and how he does care about me. And he carried me through my pain in the midst of my ugliness. Yeah,

yeah, Ihad to ask you that. Because, you know, having read Job before, like, you talked about life before and life after, it took on a completely different meaning. You know, we see God in our pain, at least some of us do. And I think that, like you said, That's what carries us. But yeah, that scripture had a completely different meaning to me after Sean died. Well, the holidays are upon us. And that can really be a trigger for those who have suffered losses. What advice do you have for those grieving losses during this difficult time?

The holidays are difficult, because they remind us of who's missing at the table. And so I think that that is one reason why it's so sensitive and so painful. During this time, Nicole passed away three days after Christmas, like I said, the Christmas wrapping was still on the floor. And so those are things that we had to deal with. So and even now, still, I do, I have to watch myself, as the days start getting shorter, and the, the holiday decorations come out. And I feel like it's September now. And everything is being pushed on us, I have to stop and go, Okay, wait a second, I have to be careful not to get caught up in that cycle of what the culture demands. So that would be the first thing I would advise someone, if you're hurting, don't allow yourself to be caught up in what the culture is pressing you to do. Christmas and Thanksgiving are wonderful times of the year. But if they bring you more pain, to celebrate them in a certain way, change things up. There is nothing wrong with that. And there may be traditions that you set aside for a time, you may choose to pick those up again, it's it's okay. And you're not betraying anyone's memory or the way things were. You have to be able to do things and allow your heart to agree in the way that best suits your heart. And I do believe, again, in our culture, there's so much expectation about this time of year that the hype is up, that it's easy to get caught up in that, okay, I've got to be I've got to celebrate with you know, a table full of people and you know, we have to end and that's a that's a problem. And what we don't realize is most people that's not how their families are. Most people aren't sitting around, you know, with every single person getting along and being happy there. is always someone missing or there's painful broken relationships. It's just it can't be a painful time. So allow yourself permission, give yourself permission to be able to grieve in the way that best suits you. Pick up a different new activity, maybe serve someone in the community. You know, I do believe sometimes when we look outside our own pain, it helps us to deal with our pain. It doesn't take away our pain, but it helps us to put things in perspective. And then on the other side, I would say if you're a friend of someone who is grieving, include that person, with no expectations, include that person, invite them and say, You know what, you don't have to come. But know that you're invited. You're invited to our table because grief is an awkward feeling. And, and to look at someone else's pain is awkward, and it feels weird. Yeah, like, step into that just like that man who came to Nicole's visitation. You know, he was brave enough to step into that. And I think that's important for us to be able to do with other people, invite them. But don't be offended if they don't come and don't be offended if they leave early. Don't have any expectations, say their child's name to them. Oh, you know, when somebody says Nicole's name to me and tells me a story about her. It does my heart good. It still does my heart good. But people think it's going to cause more pain, but it doesn't. Yeah, so those were the things I would be, I would say to someone, as the holidays are approaching me, just kind of take brief moments during the time and let yourself rest. Let your heart rest. And just be present where you are.

Yeah, you and I talked before about how it's been many years for both of us, since our children have gone. But in all honesty, it can still be difficult at times. And I know in your book, you You admitted that you struggled with anxiety and you said you were living in a constant, tense state. And you said that your experience a form of grief, PTSD. And I thought right away, I know that heightened alert feeling I remember feeling that and how it can be emotionally and physically damaging. So can you talk a little bit about that for somebody who may be experiencing those feelings?

Yes, that's part of what I call complicated grief as well. Sorrow upon sorrow piling up. And if we're not careful to scrape away the first layer, it will pile up. And then we have this very barrier of anxiety around our hearts. And it's hard to live in that. And for me, I, I felt like if I could control you know, put all my ducks in a row and control everything around me have, you know, know where everybody was at all times and have everything organized, then I could control things? Well, control is an illusion, we can control very little in our lives. So I had to come up with a battle plan. And I go into that more in my book. But I do think that we need to kind of recognize when we're getting into that place. Yes. And it's heightened, because number one, it damages our body physically. And it's it hinders our healing, we have to be able to walk through those places and be able to work through them, and then bring ourselves back down to to a manageable level. And so for me going outside on a walk that's very valuable, being really careful what I listen to, and watch on TV. Yeah, for me, I have to limit my exposure to the news or to programs on TV that are, you know, crime and things that are that dark, because that will bring my heart into that place. And make sure I listen to good podcasts and radio and those kinds of things. Those things will bring me out of, you know, that cycle. So I think that we have to be really intentional with doing that and recognize take moments through the day and go, Okay, I'm going to just stop, I'm going to center myself, because sometimes we're way up here and we don't even know why. And I have to go okay, why am I feeling like this? I have to be and it's ridiculous. But you have to backup and it might be a minor thing. Maybe we heard an ambulance, you know, for me, and I can imagine for you as well. If we hear an ambulance, that sound, it triggers. Yeah. So I have to bring myself back down. No, it's okay. But I think that that's important. And if you get to a place where your mind and your emotions are running amok, I would encourage people to seek counseling. If you're a person of faith, I would encourage you to find someone who is of like faith as you and and I think that that's good. Sometimes we just need some tools to walk us through those things. Yeah, but those are things that really really helped me.

Yeah, that's very good. And I can recall feeling that way. Even Suddenly myself and I was talking to a friend saying, you know, sort of makes me angry that you know that this is happening to me when I know better, I've already been through it, and why do I keep getting pulled back. And I was telling her, I have to fight it. And she said, I'm glad you fight it, you know, because like you said, we can easily slip into despair. So it's a it's an active choice on our part, I think, to continue to stay mentally and physically healthy. Well, Kim, you shared so much great information with us today. You assured those who are grieving that they're not alone in their pain, and that many of us have gone before them. And we understand. You talked about the harsh realities of the tasks we must perform when someone we love dies, and how lingering in those moments with their items of clothing or personal belongings is sacred for a time, and may help ease our minds into the reality of what has occurred. You shared about a parent who is committed to helping other parents, and the bravery required to deliver that level of support. And you spoke of how beneficial it was to you, and that it incited you to do the same. You expressed how difficult it can be to laugh and have joy in the midst of fresh grief, and how you eventually realize that laughing again, would not diminish your daughter's memory. But instead honor a life well lived. You realize that God's ways are higher than ours. And that instead of asking him why you began to focus on the Little Blessings along the way. You said control is an illusion, anxiety and stress can damage us emotionally and physically. That we should celebrate the holidays a way that is best for us. And if your grief begins to overshadow the rest of your life, it's time to seek counseling. Kim, what other lessons have you learned from losing Nicole? Can you share to give someone hope who needs it right now?

Grief is and, and it sounds strange, but a beautiful teacher. Because grief teaches us the preciousness of life. They're still hard things, and it's so hard. I Miss Nicole every day, I know you miss your son every day. But in that there's so much beauty. And I believe God took something that could have destroyed me. And he not only helped me to survive, which surviving was the plan i i would have at the time thought, okay, it will be okay if I can just survive. But not only that, to bring beauty, thriving, just color back into my life. Not in in despite of it, but in the midst of it. And he has showed me that on both sides. Like I said, joy and sorrow, they can coexist. It's still apart. When you lose a child especially but you lose anyone. There's always that rub in our lives. It's always a part of us and, and it's like someone who has lost a limb you need to learn to, to function in a new way. It is part of you, but you need to function in a new way. But you can't. And you can live and you can thrive. And that part was a surprise to me. I think that's one of the greatest lessons. And I believe that I will see Nicole again, not everything we see is all there is there's way more. And I believe she is in heaven. She's alive, and I will see her again. And that gives me hope. I believe that God is teaching me to live here while I'm here to live my life well, and to to honor her memory, but now also to honor what he's done for me as well. This is a gift, our lives are a gift. So we have a job to do. And if someone is struggling right now, and you don't feel like you're going to make it I just want to encourage anyone who's listening who's struggling, that you will make it you're going to survive this pain, you keep stepping into it, you ask God to help you. He will carry that for you. And then you're not only going to survive it, but I believe there's going to be beauty that comes out of

I agree wholeheartedly, and those are that pain. beautiful lessons. Thank you for sharing that with us. And you know, I told you before I loved reading your book, it's called Victorious Heart. It was very helpful to me as well even at this point in my grief. So can you just tell listeners where they can get a copy of it?

Sure. There's a link on my website and my website is wildvictoriousheart.com and it's also available at Amazon, Books a Million, Barnes and Noble anywhere books are sold. You can get it.

Great. Kim, I just want to thank you so much for agreeing to be here and share Nicole's story with us and yours as well.

Well Michelle, thank you so much for having me. And thank you for this wonderful platform. It is so valuable. Thank you.

So for those of you listening, if you too are a parent who has lost a child, my heart goes out to you today. You'll experience emotions that you've never felt before. And you'll be stretched to what you might think is your breaking point. But take heart, my friend, you can survive the painful waves of grief. It will most likely be the most difficult thing you've ever done, but you must survive. There's purpose in our pain, and you have a story to tell. So please don't lose hope. Feel free to reach out to me or to Kim. drop a note in the comments here on my website and I promise to respond. You are not alone. press into God. Embrace your feelings and feel all you need to feel and day by day you will get stronger. And then one day you too will be able to help someone else who's hurting with the lessons you learned in your loss. Thanks for listening