Finding Gratitude after the Death of a Child

Michelle:  Well, Hey everybody. And welcome back to Qualified.  The place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope.  I'm Michelle Heaton.

Today's episode will be a very special one. My guest, like myself, is a mother who has lost a child, and one, who's willing to sit down and talk with me about it on this podcast, with the hope that we might be able to provide a sense of comfort to anyone listening, who needs to hear it right now.

Welcome to Qualified Christine, and thanks for being here. 

Christine:  Thanks for having me

Michelle:  Christine, your daughter, Erica was only 24 years old when a tragic motorcycle accident took her life. Can you start by telling us a little bit about Erica and also the circumstances surrounding her passing?

Christine:   Sure, Erica, was my baby for a long time. I had three girls that were all three years apart and I had a fourth that was 10 years younger than Erica. She was my baby for a very long time. And she was the baby of the family. As a child, she was very quiet and introverted. She was an artist and she loved to read.  I her teenage years, I remember one time just panicking because I couldn't find Erica and it turns out she was in the bathtub reading a book and never heard any of us calling because she had headphones on. She wanted to be in her private bubble space. So that was, that was Erica. She was just so sweet and quiet and shy.  Growing up, I wanted to have four daughters because I had watched Little Women one too many times, and I got four daughters and Erica just reminded me so much of Beth from Little Women. Just, just a little quiet one. 

So, Erica was on a motorcycle. She was learning to ride and there was a lot of turmoil around the motorcycle for me.  I just, it scared me. It was a big bike, and I felt like she was kind of out of her element, but she insisted.

She took her courses and she was she's extra cautious. She was always been a cautious child, a cautious person, but she had gone out for a ride following a friend on a windy road and she just lost control of the bike. It was around noon and she lost control of the bike and flew off and instantly just broke her neck and died on the scene.

I was out of the country at the time. So, I was picked up from the airport, not knowing that anything had happened to her by my dad and my husband. And, you know, they broke the news. My husband did, and he just said, I have some very bad news. You know, Erica died today on her motorcycle and I was with my youngest and I was just so, I couldn't believe it, you know, going through just unbelief and shock all of that.

Michelle:  Well, I remember you also told me about losing your sister early in your life in a similar way. What happened there?

Christine:   Yes. When my sister was 15 and a half and I had just turned 18. She was hit on her bicycle on her way to school. And she died. I'm on the scene too, from a head injury. So that, I think also having that history, what really scared me with Erica and the motorcycle.

 So. It just compounded my anxiety about Erica having it. So, it was just my worst nightmare. And when I got the news, it just felt like, oh, I can't believe we're doing this again. You know, this isn't fair. We've already done this, you know, God, this isn't fair. You know?  So it was, it was rough for the whole family.

It kind of caused my parents to relive all the grief that they had suffered with. Sister and it just stirred everything up, all the old grief. So that was hard.

Michelle:   I'm so sorry. Can you talk a little bit about some of the hardest moments. And when I say that, I remember when Sean first passed away kind of struggling to find resources. And I wanted to talk to another parent who had lost a child more than I wanted to talk to a therapist at that time, you know? But I struggled. I had some really hard moments that I didn't feel like I could get through, you know, but we obviously did. Can you think of any moments that stick out like that? 

Christine:  Well, the funeral was very hard. Planning, the funeral was hard. I just feel like looking back now. I just felt like I was at a trance. You know, I don't have a real connection. I just remember just going through the motions and sleeping was hard. Mother's Day was three weeks after she died. That was tremendously hard, just everything, her birthday, you know, it just feels like the first year for sure. I was in a trance almost just going through the motions. Just numb. 

Michelle:  I remember I'm running into people later, that I hadn't seen in a long time and I'd say, I don't know if you know, but my son passed away and they'd say, Michelle, we were at the Memorial and I don't even remember, there were so many people in that high school auditorium, you know, that said we hugged you. And, so that's, that's bizarre how the mind works that way, like protection.

You talked about the first year, one of the things I remember is that people warned me that the second year can sometimes be worse than the first year. And I remember hearing that and kind of obviously not understanding, but it actually was for me.

And I think, like you said, the first year it's denial, like you don't even, you can't accept that your baby is gone. And then the second year. It's true. And so those milestones, those holidays, birthdays, everything, you have to face that reality. 

 Christine:  I totally agree with you the first year. I think you're just kind of, I was kind of numb and. Almost in shock, but I had to keep going. So, you just kind of keep moving. And I had to go back to work and I had a daughter that needed me to get her to school and I needed to function. 

Michelle:   So, we both know how hard it is to tap into those emotions and go back to those memories at times. But you agreed to do this interview because like me, you also believe that what we have been through could possibly help somebody else who's grieving the loss of their child.

So, what are some of those lessons that you learned that you can highlight right now that maybe another bereaved parent could benefit?

Christine:  I've learned so much.   First of all, I've learned that I'm never alone and  that even though God didn't plan or orchestrate tragedy in my life, He's there to comfort me because we live in a broken world and tragedy happens to everybody. In one way or the other everybody's will experience some kind of grief or loss that they need to manage and find their way through.

And for me, it was just, it was God.  Just knowing He's always with me, I'm never alone. And, I don't have to be sad all the time because I'm sad a lot of time and grief is always there. It's always there. You know, you can always find grief, but moments of joy and peace, if you have the opportunity, grab them.    What was really, really hard for me was watching my youngest daughter. Because she was closest to Erica and it was very, very hard for me to see her suffering and grieving because she just isolated herself so much.

And her friends would text me and they say, is she home? She's not picking up. She's not responding at all. Is she okay? And I would try to get her to respond or go out with them. And it was just as a parent I didn't know what to do. And I knew what I had gone through when I was her age, when I had lost my sister and I just tried to comfort her that way.

One of the best things I did for her was I got her a puppy. I didn't want a puppy.  I thought this is the last thing I need is to take care of one more thing when I'm in this like numb spot, but it got her out of her room. It got her taking care. It was just like the perfect comfort.  It was probably one of the best decisions I made shortly after Erica died just to bring a little bit of joy into the house with a little puppy. 

Michelle:  That's a good thing. 

Christine:  Helped her. Yeah. 

Christine:  Another lesson I learned was that community is so important. Having my friends around me was so amazing. It felt like I was just being carried. I was just being carried through the steps that I needed to do.  Through planning, picking out the coffin through picking out the, the grave sites. You know, I was never alone. My friends, my family surrounded me. I didn't have to worry about food. I didn't have to worry about anything because I just had such a wonderful support system.

And, you don't even realize. Like now I realize what an amazing support system I had.  And I have, but at the time I think it's just so easy to hurry, through life and not realize everybody that is there for you. 

Michelle:  Or take it for granted because can you imagine if you did not have that?  And I mean, those things that you mentioned, I mean, picking out a casket for your child is unimaginable.  For the longest time, I couldn't say Sean died those two words together without just falling apart, because he was just right here, you know, and the idea of Sean's casket was ridiculous. It was just overwhelming and yes, my good friend Debra was right there at my side with me.  Doing that business and helping me. And, that's not fun stuff, but you really learn who the people are in your life that love you. And that will be there for you in circumstances like this.

Michelle:   So, the holidays are upon us and I know for me, even though every day carries with it, some amount of pain and missing Sean this time of year can be especially brutal because it's a time when families get together.  I'll miss not shopping for gifts for Sean.  And finding cool things to put in his stocking. And I was out the other day and I saw in a music store guitar pics. And I was thinking about how I used to put pics in there and hair gel and his favorite candy. And, um, I'll miss eating dinner together and sitting around the tree and watching The Grinch and It's a Wonderful Life with him, you know, next to the fireplace. But the first Christmas that came without him, I was so blessed by about 40 high school juniors that loved Sean that came here to the house and decorated our tree with ornaments that they made in his honor.

And we sat around and we laughed and we cried and we ate together and I realized that I'm not the only one who will miss him forever, but we came together to remember him and celebrate his life because it was a good one.   And remembering him and being with other people who love him helps to ease the pain. And I'm so thankful for that first year, because I learned so much about gratitude. So, Christine, how are you holding up this holiday season? And how does gratitude factor in for you? 

Christine:  Gratitude is huge for me. From the very beginning, probably two weeks out after Erica died, one of my stepdaughters called and she was going to send some wind chimes for me to remember Erica, and I really thought in my head, oh, That's the last thing I want. I'm just going to be like in the pit of despair every time I hear these, I don't know if I want to even hang them. And I just felt, like God just put it on my heart to actually come up with a list of things I was thankful for so that when I would hear the wind chimes, I wouldn't be depressed, but I would be grateful. I would be grateful that I had 24 years with her. I would be grateful for all the joys that she brought to my life for the music we enjoyed together for the long road trips for all the baking. Just all the time we had together and all this, the special person, she was the people she impacted the love she had for children. All of the things that she was, I just worked on a list so that when I would get depressed, I would let myself be there for a few minutes. And then I would shift. And sometimes it was longer than a few minutes, but I would ultimately have that list to fall back on and it wasn't easy.

In fact, I had gone to a Tony Robbins conference about four months before Erica had passed. And I remember him talking about the importance of gratitude and how powerful and what an amazing tool it was. And I thought to myself, yes, it is. And I know in the Bible, it says, you know, that to be grateful for all things and, and gratitude was honored by Jesus.

And so I just thought, yeah, that's, that's a great idea, but what if somebody dies? And just like I had that thought, Tony said, even at a funeral, you can be grateful. And I thought, you know, you're crazy. And he just went on and he said, wouldn't it. The most honoring to the person that passed, if you could hold at their memory with gratitude and joy.

And those words stuck with me. I remember where I was sitting in the room when I heard them and they just flooded back to me in these times after Erica passed. I was somewhat equipped to handle this, otherwise I don't know what I mean. That was the tool that I found helped me out of  my darkest places.

Christine:  During the first year, it took everything, every ounce of energy I had just to do what I had to do just to get to work, just to get Elizabeth where she needed to go. And I did not have any extra emotional or physical energy to decorate or, you know, bake anything, anything like that.  

Friendships-I didn't have the energy to reach out to people like I had in the past because I was using everything I could to get through the day, and, so the first year when Christmas came around, I had no interest and I was so grateful that my husband and daughters put up the Christmas tree , because I just had no interest. And that was, it's fine. That's fine. You know, just to. Accept help from people that want to give it because people want to comfort and they want to help and they want to do something and they usually don't know what they can do. So, allowing people to help is, was really a good lesson that I learned. I don't have to do everything on my own. 

 Michelle:   But I also think it's okay if you don't do anything at all.  It's okay to even not put up a tree. It's okay. I think the first, well, the first year I told you about the kids that came in and comforted me.

But, the second year my husband and I took off in our motorhome and we kind of started a new tradition. and so, it's okay to, and, you know, seeing the lights and seeing the decorations everywhere it's as you know, it's, it's hard to just press on when you're in the midst of that. So getting away to a different location was helpful for us. 

Christine:  I think we've created new traditions too.  I had to, I couldn't do the same thing because it would just feel like there was a big hole, I can't stay, we can't just stay here. And just conquering those holidays. It's been four years. This'll be the fifth Christmas without Erica. And it was the first time when I was decorating that I felt joy about decorating again and baking. I haven't baked, but maybe once in the last four years.

Michelle:  So, here we are four years after Erica’s passing and eight years after Sean's and I can think of so many things I've heard from other people and things I read in books that talked about how the pain never goes away, but it gets easier with time. And I remember during, I don't know, the first, maybe couple of weeks after Sean died talking to a family friend whose son had died suddenly in basic training and Marine Corps boot camp.  I think he was 18, it was a situation similar to Sean's where he just didn't wake up. And there was no known illness, no warning, no time to say goodbye, not one more I love you. He was just gone. And that friend has his name was Jamie.  He listened to me on the phone after Sean died and he tried to comfort me because he understood.

But I remember asking him how long it had been since his son passed away. And he told me eight years. And I was thinking about that the other day, because I remembered saying to Jamie, oh my gosh, there's no way I can do eight years. I can't live my life like this. It's just too painful. And now I'm here at the eight-year mark today.

Michelle:  And so, I want other people to know that they too can survive and that life will never be the same. And you can endure the pain and you can find purpose in your pain. And so, Christine, is there anything that you are doing right now in your life that is a direct result of Erica’s death that feels like a, a new purpose for you or a new realization?

Christine:  Yes, I would say after she died. I felt like I knew she was in heaven. And so, I wanted to find out everything about heaven that I could. I read every book and watched every YouTube and everything I could get my hands on. And it brought me a lot of comfort just knowing. And so now on a day-to-day basis, I'm just so much more aware that our lives are temporal.

And, I had a birthday celebration for her, which would have been her 25th birthday. And the whole family was a wreck and I was seemingly fine. And they made a comment.  Like, gosh, we're all, so upset.  I'm like, well, I've just been thinking so much about how Erica is in heaven and I'm grateful that I know where she is and that will be once again, reunited. And so, it is the biggest thing I'm grateful for is just knowing where she is and that I'll be there. 

 Michelle:  You'll see her again. Yeah. Yeah. I used to say that before Sean was born and we were trying to have a child, I just kept praying, you know, praying for a child. Uh, when he died at 17, I realized that that's what I, I received from God. You know, I had that child for 17 years and, they're on loan to us as you know. And so, it's a blessing and you know that if we could do that all over again and we would do it all over again. 

So. Were you always, I'm a person of faith and, and so when your daughter died, it was easy for you to go to God or was there ever a place where you were angry? Where you felt out of touch with God? 

Christine:  I don't know that I would say I was angry.  I was confused and I just didn't understand why this again, you know, why is this happening again to, you know, to our family, but then why not? I mean, there are certainly people that have gone through as hard as it is. That have gone through a lot harder things.

Michelle:  Yes.  Christine, thank you so much for opening up and for sharing Erica's story with us and for the important lessons that you learned. And for those of you listening, Christine, and I both know what it feels like to lose a child, but we recognize that each person grieves differently, our hope is that you'll find comfort in friendships and love and good memories of your child and quiet time with God.

We pray that you will be strengthened and encouraged this Christmas and that you would know that you're not alone. And if you feel like reaching out, send me an email at callmequalified@gmail.com.

I'd love to hear from you. 

Thanks for listening.