Finding Purpose After the Loss of an Only Child

Michelle:  Well, Hey everybody. And welcome back to Qualified - the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton.

Today's guest is connecting with me all the way from Wyoming via zoom.  She is an esteemed and talented chef who has owned and operated two restaurants in the beautiful Jackson Hole area for several years.  She's also an author who has published two of her own cookbooks and more recently, a deeply personal book about her own traumatic loss.

 Welcome to Qualified Christine! 

Christine: Thank you, Michelle. It's good to be here.

Michelle: Great.  So, Christine like me, you are a mom who has lost a child. My son, Sean was 17 when he died suddenly during his sleep and your daughter, Erin was 18 when she was involved in a fatal car accident. We're going to talk about a lot of different things related to this kind of loss, but can you begin by telling us about the day of Erin’s accident and the hours that led up to it?

Christine: Erin and I, lived in a small town called Fane about an hour from Jackson. She had a lot of friends, and she worked at a restaurant as a waitress, up in Jackson. And, the day before her accident, she had been camping, on the lake with a number of her friends, you know, wakeboarding, skiing, campfire, dinner, and they all camped out. And, so she came home from that, the next day in time to get ready to go to work. And, some amazing things happened, that I think had to do with kind of her goodbye that neither of us knew she was saying.  She asked me to French Braid her hair for her before she went to work. And I used to do that all the time when she was a kid. And even sometimes in early teens, I hadn't done it for years. I was thrilled. So, I braided her hair and then when we said goodbye, whenever Erin was leaving the house or I was leaving the house, we would always say goodbye and kiss each other's cheek. “Hey mom. Bye. Okay, bye mama”. But this time, she gave me a huge hug and she said, “I love you mom.” And I would always return to that memory and know that we kind of had that goodbye.

So that’s what happened on that day. And then she had to drive through a canyon, up to Jackson. And, you know, the kids, they stayed up late telling stories, having a lot of fun. And, she was tired and she fell asleep at the wheel and went off the road and her car hit a tree.  She was gone instantly. 

Michelle: I am so sorry. 

Christine: Yes, me too. 

Michelle:  So, Christine sudden death like Erin’s and Sean's are so hard from my perspective, because we don't get a chance to say goodbye.  Yet I know other parents who've lost children to illnesses that were diagnosed and then underwent treatment in hopes of recovery. And in that case, they actually began grieving before their child dies.  How did sudden death impact you and what was the hardest part of not being able to say goodbye to Erin? 

Christine: Well, the impact of- I got a phone call from the highway patrol. I was alone in my house.  It was absolutely devastating, shattering, very unreal. I mean, I just kept screaming. No, I don't even know how long I did that. Fell to my knees. And just this can't be this can't be, losing a child, losing anyone. I think any important person, instantly without warning is, is just so overwhelming. And, I think that to completely answered this, I need to, tell another little story.  A year and a half after I lost Erin from this world, my older sister, her eldest daughter in her forties was diagnosed with brain cancer Glioblastoma, and she had an operation, now she was, paralyzed. So, she needed around the clock care. So, I went to California to help care for her. And watching my sister, she and her daughter had a difficult relationship.

 And then I was watching my sister and she was treating her daughter with such love. Like she was her little girl again, and just patience and nothing but love. And, so I it's three nights in a row. I went to bed and I kept thinking what's worse? What is worse?  Having your child suddenly gone and not being able to say goodbye or this, watching your child ebb away and knowing she's going to die? And I asked that question every night and finally an answer came to me. And I shared it with my sister the next day. I wasn't sure how she would take it, but her answer was, Hmm, I think you may be right. 

And the answer that came was when my daughter left this world, everything was so good in her life. So good between her and I, there was nothing that needed to be fixed. There was nothing. Whereas, my sister, if she had lost her daughter that way, she would have been filled with so much regret and guilt.  She got three months to be with her daughter to just share love all that other bad stuff went away. And I really feel that there is a reason to why and when we all leave. So as far as it being really hard, I was fixated on that for a while. 

Michelle: Definitely.

Christine: Yes.  Well, we had such a wonderful time those last few hours before she left. So, I was able to get past the goodbye thing pretty. Okay. 

Michelle: I'm glad. 

Christine: Yeah. 

Michelle: Let's talk a little about the loss of an only child. We can both relate to that unique pain. I know personally when Sean died, I felt like instantly I was no longer a mom.  That role was just stripped away and it was devastating. How did you feel in that regard?

Christine:  Well, I relate exactly to that., she was my only child. I raised her completely all her life by myself. There wasn't a father involved. Erin was my entire life. And I had her when I was 40, so I'd had a lot of life and I was a very independent person.  But when I was blessed with her, all I ever wanted was to have a child and we were so close and, grew up to be friends as women., so I couldn't imagine a world without her, what was I going to do?  Throughout most of my life, I didn't ever feel like I belonged anywhere for a variety of reasons. And when I gave birth to Erin, I finally belonged. I was Erin's mother. That was who I was, and I didn't realize any of this until after she was suddenly gone that I lost my sense of belonging. I no longer belong to anywhere. I didn't have a mate or a boyfriend or anything. and I didn't figure that out until, well after the first year, I, because it was like a second level of grieving that I didn't belong. And, and, I felt that, The mom thing. It was for me, it was like when I had Erin it was like, I was, I'm now a member of the best club in the world, The Mother Club. And then when she was gone, I was now a member of the worst club in the world - that a parent who loses their child.

 So, yeah, that was, that was really hard. And I also had friends, actually. I had some wonderful lady, friends who invited me to a Mother’s Day, brunch.  A family, one, not just women - kids, husbands, all this stuff.  And I went and I steeled myself for it. And then my girlfriend, Lena gave a toast and she said to all of us mothers. And she looked directly at me. She said, and you, especially Christine, because you are a mother, you will always be a mother. And that was a huge moment for me. I never thought of it that way. And so, from that point on, I, I did, I always thought to myself, I am a mother. I will always be a mom. And I have a couple of my daughters, friends, one in particular who asked me and she'd gotten permission from her mother asked me if I would be her other mother. 

Michelle: That was beautiful. I love it. When the friends come alongside us, Sean's friends did that too and took me out to a Mother’s Day, the first year and a lot of them. That's very comforting. 

Christine: It's so important. It is so wonderful when these young people do that. They let you know you haven't been forgotten and they're there for Sean. Yeah. Yeah. 

Michelle: So, I loved, the part in your book, you said that when Erin was six years old, one of her young friends told her that there was no God. Yes. And then another friend told her that only people with special keys get into Heaven. And then she turned to you for an answer and you suggested that no one needed a key and her response was “No mom, God is the key.” And then you went on in the book to express how much knowledge she seemed to possess as such a young child. So, what are your thoughts on what she said back then? About God being the key to heaven? 

Christine:  Well, that’s what I believe, but she just had this knowing, and when she said that she paused for a moment, very reflectively and she goes, no, no, mom, God is the key.  And I'm like, we didn't go to church. I mean, we went to church every Sunday and up until the time she was three, but, you know, she just sat with me in the pew so, but it was amazing several times that our lifetime, how old are you? And, some people call it being an old soul., she learned a lot from me, but man, she came fully wired.

Michelle: and that poem that's in your book too.  About how children are just on loan to us. And then yeah. Then they returned to heaven and there, you know, back to where they belong. And it's a blessing that we have them, for as long as we do. I know that writing the book was a therapeutic process for you, but in what other ways were you able to process your grief? 

Christine:  Well, immediately, I just, as you so well know that first night going to bed, trying to go to sleep. I just outwardly said “goodnight, Erin.” I mean, I said it with joy. I said, goodnight, Erin, I love you. And it, it shifted something in me and just took the edge off. So, every night I did the same thing. So, the hardest thing for me, I have to say one of the things that stands out was waking up every morning.  The nightmare is still there and it's not a nightmare. It's real. And waking up in the morning was so unbelievably hard., I was alone and I dragged myself out of bed finally, people would show up. And, I think it was after about two weeks of this and now, my house, wasn't filled with people every day and, I was laying there one day and just thinking, oh my God, am I going to do this?

And I suddenly thought, I remembered just the little bit of  peace it gave me to say goodnight to Erin every night, And, I thought about that suddenly that, oh, that just helped me so much when I say goodnight to her, I'm going to say good morning. And so, I started that morning and I said, good morning, Erin. And, I experienced that same little bit of relief and I was able to get out of bed. Our little dog that slept with me back then. Well it was actually Erin’s dog, when I did that, that first morning she jumped up and she looked at my door and I was like, oh my God. Oh my God, I can't believe. But anyways, so that was immediate way. I process my grief and just tried to lift myself up. I talked to her every day.  

Most importantly, this is believing as I do on a very spiritual level, about eight or nine days after Erin left this world a very profound knowing the only way, I can express it settled in me. And that was that her leaving this world when she did, had always been the plan, God’s plan.  Because it was an integral part. Her leaving then was an ethical part to fulfilling her purpose and mine.  There are several ways I feel and believe and know that she fulfilled her purpose, but one was the impact for her leaving so suddenly in such a horrible way, affected her friends, even her classmates who weren't her friends. I mean, I had so many people tell me different things, how would it change them, what it did. And they were all very positive things and the impact on me, losing her, catapulted me into the place of knowing I had, a bigger purpose than just raising Erin. I had the purpose of helping other people who were going through what I was.

 Michelle: I feel the same way and it took time, obviously, but I remember in the beginning thinking Sean's death will not be for nothing. And I didn't know back then how it would manifest and what I would be doing, but I am finding purpose and sharing these stories with other people and helping other people with my experiences. 

 Christine: Yes. And that's what you were supposed to do. Help people., and when people can find their way to that place, that's the lifeline. It gets you through the. Long, horrible, raw grieving period.

Michelle: And it's easy to get your mind off that at times. And then you got to come back to it. 

Christine: Yeah. You have to purposely come back to it. 

Michelle: So, Christine, after everything you went through, what are some valuable lessons that you learned about this kind of loss that you can pass on to someone listening who needs hope today? 

 Christine:  Losing the most important person from life. Yes. It's devastating and shattering and healing from this takes a huge. Chunk of time, unfortunately, I heard you speak before about, you think the first that a year you're going to be better and then actually, no you’re kind of numb it kind of in this space and then the second-year hits and it is profoundly bad. Losing a, an important person. What I learned is we can, and we do move forward in the flow of our lives if we allow ourselves to, and we are able to find joy again and, and I believe, and I experienced this, that we not only have to allow ourselves to move forward in our lives, but I believe we need to choose to reach a joyful place. Again, we need to choose and know that we can find acceptance. We can find peace and we can actually find joy again. Definitely.  And I really believe that if a person doesn't purposely choose to do that, they can just, uh, lose themselves in the pain and the darkness of their despair and sink further, further away.

 I know people who 10 years out there where I was, after a year. And the other thing I actually know, and I know, you know, this. It is that our loved ones don't want us to suffer.  They want us to live a full life and find joy for as long as we're here on this earth., so, it, it grieves me when I see people who are so focused on their pain still. I call it thought replacement that we, as a griever, we have to focus over and over and over again. We get caught up in the pain and we have to consciously choose to refocus our attention on all that we had with that person, our memories, but just reliving the joy and, the time we had with them, when we focus on gratitude for what we had not on our loss. 

A friend of mine lost her husband in her thirties and he was in his thirties. She said, I call it, leaning into the memories and allowing yourself to actually relive them. And re-enjoy that memory and be there with your loved ones. Leaning into it. I've had people say, oh, you shouldn't think too much about, memories and stuff. And I was like, are you kidding me? You have to.  That's, that's part of keeping them with you. 

Michelle: And some people do. A lot of people advised me to stay busy, stay busy, they didn't want me dwelling. Yeah. And, that might work for others, but there's a comfort also in enjoying, those memories and being present and all about like you speak of.

Christine: I didn't stay busy. I know people who. Got into reading books, books, books, books, books. I know people who just got into their work. Fortunately, I was in a place where I wasn't working and I didn't need to at the time. And, I had a lot of friends who made sure to get me out, go hiking, do different things, but I was still always in my own head. You're in your own head and in your memories.

Michelle: You still have to come back around to it. 

Christine: You have to come back around. Yeah.   

Michelle: I was thinking about how we met Christine and, how, my husband had a friend who knew you and when Sean first passed away, He recommended that I speak to you because I was hurting and it was in those early maybe first weeks or months. And, had you call me and then you came up again recently in conversation because of the podcast through him. And when you, and I talked, if you recall. You reminded me of that. And I said, I don't remember that call. So, there's a, there's a lot of, protection that our brain does or whatever. I don't know what it was, the trauma that I went through. I caused me to not even remember that conversation, but I just think it's so interesting that here we are, now you are four years ahead of me in your grief journey. And here we are today, at this point, sharing this together. So, I think that's amazing. 

Christine: That was the word that was in my head. It's amazing, if nothing else helps people it's to listen to us, both having lost our only child. Yes. And here we are years later and we are living fulfilling lives in the joy of our children. Yes. In our hearts and our minds.

Michelle:  I know they love that.

Christine:  Yeah. Yeah. So, I would hope that would give people a lot of hope. A lot of hope.

Because I, I do remember feeling so strongly for so long that, oh my God, I'm never going to feel joy again. Yeah. And it was, it was over two years before I felt joy. And then when it happened, it startled me. It absolutely startled me. And I, I, I took note and I went, I, I do still love life. It was a total God moment This, this is good. And that was my turning point. That was truly the, when I really, truly re-engaged back into a full life.

Michelle: I'm so happy you did this. Thank you so much!

Christine:  Thank you. I am so happy too.   This is wonderful. What you're doing.  

 Michelle:  Thank you, Christine. I so appreciate you sharing Erin's story with us and all those valuable lessons that you learned along the way.

And for those of you listening, it is my prayer that you'll have a renewed sense of hope today. If you're struggling with the pain of losing someone you love, I pray for the strength you need to get through those early days like Christine and I described it is so hard. No doubt. But please know that you can survive and emerge with valuable experience that you can also share with others who need it. 

And as always, I appreciate your feedback. So, visit my website, call me qualified.com where you can listen to all the other episodes, read my blog, leave me a voicemail and even rate the show and give me. I'd love to hear from you. 

Thanks for listening.