Healing from the scars of childhood trauma

Hey everybody and welcome back to qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. In previous episodes of the podcast, we've talked about different types of loss, and the grief that many people experience after losing something or someone they cherish in this life. And we've discussed cumulative grief, or grief overload, which is when someone experiences a second loss, while still grieving the first loss, and how that can be an especially difficult road to walk. Well, my guest today has experienced a number of traumatic losses in his life. And not only has he managed to press on and keep a positive outlook in the aftermath of his cumulative grief. But he's also just written and published a book where he details the events that took place in his life. Broken and redeemed is not just a journal of his experiences, but a testimony to the fact that if he can do it, so can you. His name is John Jarman. And in addition to being an author, he's also a United States Marine Corps veteran who served during Operation Desert Storm. He holds a master's degree in physical education from Ohio University. And for 17 years, John taught and coached high school football. He previously owned and operated his own fitness center, and he's now the fitness director at a prestigious Golf Club in Washington State. And he's currently enrolled in a master's program at Faith International University in pursuit of a master's degree in theology. Welcome to qualified John.

Michelle, I really appreciate you having me on. Thank you. Of course.

Well, John, as I said, Before, you have had a lot of loss in your life. And in your book, you take the readers through a detailed timeline of these events. But one of the events that occurred in your life as a young boy, was especially traumatizing. Can you talk a little bit about what happened in your life around the age of 12,

my dad was an alcoholic, very abusive, and I don't really have much memory of my childhood up until age 12. So when I was 12, one of the things I remember is waking up, my mom was being, you know, beaten up, and I went out, I went out of the kitchen, grabbed a knife out of the drawer and told my dad, if he didn't quit beating her, I'm kill him. And he left that night. And from that moment on, it was my three brothers and my mom, you know, trying to just survive whatever way we could. And so I grew up, you know, basically, without a father, I did see my dad from time to time, but it really wasn't that strong of a relationship until later, when I was in the Marine Corps.

Well, witnessing abuse between your father and mother is certainly no easy thing to talk about, or to live through. So thank you for sharing it with us. You said that you started using drugs and alcohol at a very early age to mask the pain of your youth. And in your late teens, you felt like your life lacked direction. And so you decided to join the Marine Corps to get away from the negative environment that you were surrounded in back then. And then at the same time you met and married your wife, Lynn, you had enrolled in college, and it seemed like your life was headed in a good direction. But then the marriage ended in divorce some more loss for you.

Yeah, and what, without opening any wounds, Michelle, I just, you know, it was a transgression on my part. And, you know, me probably being too focused on my work rather than the marriage elfia. We didn't learn and I never had any kid. So I probably became a workaholic. And that put a lot of strain on it. And then, and I don't want to get into details, there's a very big transgression and, and that ended the marriage.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Divorce is never easy. And regardless of what actually contributed to the end of the marriage, I know you were still experiencing pain and loss when this occurred. But something interesting happened between you and your dad after all this time, and your relationship with him turned around. It got to the point where you were actually looking forward to his phone call every week. How did you go from where you were to this new place with him?

The mending of the relationship started with with a bit of a violence because I'd knock on the door and when he opened the door, I punched him in the mouth. I'm not saying that the way you should mend the relationship, but that at that time, you know, that's probably the only thing I understood. And my dad stood up, wipe the blood off his lift and said I did that let's go have a beer and talk. And we spent the next hours, let me know how many talking about the things that I was told he wasn't doing and what doing and all this stuff as far as child support, and he showed me all these records and so a clear things up and then I came back and I confronted my mom with a two because when the parents put the kids in the middle of their arguments, it's tougher on the kid. And that's one thing when I was coaching, high school football, if I had a kid who had divorced parents, I was trying to get them not to do that, I would tell him how bad it is for the kid, you don't want to say things about your spouse, you know, if you've had to get together, you guys can't live together, the kids always yours, man. So let's do what's right for the child. That that's a tough part when that happened. And, you know, that's where a lot of my, I guess my bitterness came from, is just dealing with all that, trying to overcome that.

Yeah, that's one of the saddest outcomes of divorce, in my opinion, is the impact on the children. And your early life and view of marriage was obviously tainted by what you saw, modeled. So the fact that you were able to confront your father and hear him out and ultimately forgive him is a really big deal. And so over the course of the next 15 or so years, he's back in your life, you're talking on a regular basis, and you are truly enjoying having your father back in your life. And then in 2003, he dies of a heart attack. How are you feeling now?

Well, firstly, was shocked. But having mended the relationship and having him there for as long as I did after that, you know, up until 2003, when he passed away, he would call me every Sunday morning, we had some great conversations, and it was every week. And you know, the hardest part was that, you know, probably a couple months after that with the phone call when the phone didn't ring, you know, and it wasn't there. And that was that was the toughest part. And I just I truly enjoyed watching my dad, my stepmom had two daughters, and one of her daughters was a heroin addict. And she was pregnant with a child and she died on the delivery room. And my dad and my stepmom raised that child till my dad passed away. And, and I really think my dad used that as a way to make amends for how he treated us. Because he treated you know, watching him raise, Josh was just an amazing thing. And I was glad I got to see that. Yeah,

that's incredible that you are able to view their relationship in that way and recognize the ways that he might have been trying to write some of those past wrongs. Well, I'm sorry for the loss of your father, and you've been through a lot up to this point in your life. And then your mother who moves closer to you following your father's death, sadly, she passes away at this time. And then two of your three brothers also passed away within a short timeframe. All of these losses must have been so painful for you. But then I read in your book where you say that at that time, your businesses are also failing as a result of the pandemic. And you had to make a hard decision to close the doors. How did you respond to all of these different losses happening in your life?

When I moved back home, I noticed a self destructive pattern start to happen. But I decided like no, I can't do this anymore. And so I googled counseling because I knew I needed to go see somebody. The best thing that happened to me is I found Christina Hollins. And, you know, we work together on and off for 10 years. And so I add her as the huge support when I lost my mom. And when I lost David and Steve. And then all through the next years and years and one visit. I walked out of her office, I sat down in my car and the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. And I went back into her office and I said I'm not coming back. And she says What do you mean? I said, You freed me. I'm over at all. And she's you know, of course, she gave it up, give me a hug. And we both cried because it was just, it was that good. So for your listeners, when you're grieving or you're going through a tough time, don't be afraid to ask for help. You're not the only one that's going through what you went through thick the counselors because they're they're a godsend.

I'm so glad you were able to connect with the right therapists, and that you stuck it out with her for so many years, until you got to the point where you finally felt free. She helped you process your childhood pain, your resentment of your father, your divorce, and then your father's death. At this point, you're feeling better and you're in a long term relationship more than four years. And then that relationship ends. Well,

it was kind of a mutual separation and it was a tough situation. So we decided to part ways and we still remain friends were in contact quite a bit. And it was just something that that we both kind of felt that we needed to do.

So around that same time when you were going through all of that which was emotionally taxing, then the wife of your only living brother become seriously ill and dies. And your brother is struggling emotionally, and he moves in with you.

That was very tough, because, you know, Jason was a recovering addict, because him and Jessica were were addicts. And, you know, my first thought was, if Jason didn't move in with me, I would lose him within a couple weeks. So I talked to him about that. And it was going great. And then he relapsed and started using again, and it got to the point where I, you're on your own, and I just let him go, because I couldn't deal with it any longer. I'd done as much as I could. And I had to accept the fact that I might lose him, keeping up with me wasn't working. And so I had to let him go. So and that was very tough. So

my heartbreaks for him, having been through a difficult childhood, as well. And now on top of his addiction issues, He's grieving. And you're doing your best to hold things together for all of you. So John, up to this point in your life, you've lost your father, your mother and two of your three brothers. And you said, your brother, David's death was especially hard on you due to the circumstances,

it was sudden, he will be two years old, and you had a heart attack the day before my 49th birthday. And he was pronounced brain dead on my birthday. And then life support was pulled the next day. And so that that, to me, was probably the hardest lock. The the beauty of it though, because there's, there's beauty in it is my brother, he was really patriotic first and he loved bald eagles. And three weeks after his service, I was at a golf course here in Washington playing golf. And a bald eagle followed me around the backpack. And so when I play golf, I usually see a bald eagle. So that's the beauty of it. Because I know Dave, still with me, all of them are hard. But his last was probably the hardest to deal with just setting it when no one knew. And just pull up, we get the crowd and, you know, so.

So John, you have experienced so many losses over the years. But you learned a lot of valuable life lessons, having walked through it all your experiences, as a young man taught you that children are so vulnerable, and almost always adversely affected by the divorce of their parents. And you even work to share that message with the parents of your students. You learn that a marriage suffers when the focus on work and career is greater than the spouse and family. You know, now that communication, even in the midst of anger and hurt, can serve as the catalyst for change, even in the worst relationship. You realize that the anger and bitterness you were carrying around were a direct result of what you had been through in your upbringing. And you were determined to see things turn around. You shared about the harsh impact of sudden death, but discovered the beauty that can be found and memories and special signs that assure us that our loved ones are okay. And through so much adversity, you also learn the value of setting boundaries, even with those we love. John, what other important life lessons can you share with us today that you learned from your losses?

Well, the first thing I would say is what I learned is seek out don't be afraid to ask for help. And know that you're not the only one that's going through this or have gone through this. And when you find that person that you can work with, be humble and be vulnerable. That was something that Christine worked with me a long time on, it's becoming vulnerable. And when I got my first review of my book from an editor, it talked about my vulnerability as a male author, the vulnerability that you need in green counseling, to let your guard down, let your pride down. And I think that's harder for men. So the men in your audience, this is more directed to them, it is like all your pride, raise your hand at any help. And then let the people have the honest and be vulnerable. Because you'll get through it a lot quicker. And it'll be it'll be a little less painful, there's still going to be some pain, but it'll be a little less painful. So but the thing about counseling is I would tell people to think different values. If that gives you a time to be unconditionally honest about how you feel, and that person is not going to judge you that person is not going to condemn you. They're just going to talk to you and help you through those situations and give you some ideas and book to read. It'll help you through the situation. And Christine was She saved my life. And she wrote the foreword to the book. And so I just I can't thank her enough. So the biggest lesson that go get help. Don't try to do it on your own.

Yeah, well said. So in the intro, I said you were currently pursuing a master's degree in theology. Give us that background, especially since you were not raised with any kind of faith growing up and describe your life today.

Well, I mean I mean, I'm in the best place I've ever been in my life because of the work I did with Christina and then finding my spiritual mentor Scotty Kessler, working for probably five years on prayer plans and that type of stuff. And just him discipling me and him teaching me how to pray and how to read the Bible and understand the Bible better. And he's one of the reasons why I enrolled in seminary. I wanted a deeper understanding of the work. And I didn't grow up in a church, like he said, My decision to join the Marine Corps, I was in a party on New Year's Eve, and you know, drugs, alcohol, and I just looked around and I went, there's gotta be more to life. This I got up and walked out the door. Two days later, I walked into a marine recruiting office. Two months later, I was standing in San Diego. And yet, my first exposure to church was at Boot Camp, because the drill instructor said, you guys can go to church, and I was like, good, I get it our vacation for me that I'm going to church. I think that was where the seed was planted, though. And then as I got into coaching, and started working with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, my faith deepened. And it just continued to deepen. And like I said, when I met Scotty, it just became a firehose and I mean, I, I have a daily prayer, Bible reading time, every day, and I've stayed, whether it's been probably 2014. And it just, that's what I need to keep me where I'm at. And it keeps me grounded, keeps me humbled. And once I understood who I am in Christ, I stopped taking affection and acceptance from people in the world. And that, because I know where that is, and I know where it lived. And that was the game changer. And that's what made it a lot easier to let go of the past to not condemn myself. And the biggest part of it is learning how to forgive yourself, and then forgiving the people who hurt you. And then also asking the people that you hurt for forgiveness, because that's all part of your faith. And doing that it made me stronger. And it's put me where I'm at today.

Yeah, well, you certainly modeled forgiveness with your dad. And given everything that you and your brothers endured for so many years growing up with abuse, that had to be very difficult. So now that you're on the other side of all of this, what would you say to someone who might still be in a situation like the one you were in back then

get out? First thing is call the police and get out. Because it's not it's not worth trying to save it. And I've always said that, that's my first advice to a woman if being an abuser, get out, you're worth more than that. And you shouldn't be treated that way.

That's great advice. And I know therapy, even though it did wonders for you can cause us to have to go back and relive the past trauma and that can be painful. What about the person who thinks they just can't go back there again, emotionally,

I would say still go because they're going to help you through that they're going to walk you through that. Christine revealed to just peeling the layers of an onion back, when did you get a little closer to the fender, it gets a little mallia and smellier. But then when you're done, the odors of whey and you're free and go, it's a time consuming method when it took me 10 years off and on to do that, and they're gonna give you the strength, the need to get through that. There's gonna be I mean, there's times when I walked out of counseling sessions, and I was so mentally and emotionally drained that I wouldn't go back to work, because I couldn't and but I knew that that was part of the healing process. And so a lot of times when that happened, I would just, I would go get my golf club, and I'd go play golf, and I'd be by myself. And so I could still kind of process of what we went through. And I think the key to therapy is doing the homework that your therapist gives you in being honest with yourself when you're doing that,

again, your willingness to be vulnerable, and to seek help was so critical to the success that you've had. So I just want to underscore that. And the last thing I want to mention is your book, where can listeners learn more about you and get a copy of broken and redeemed?

Well, they can visit my website broken and redeemed.com. It's available there. There's information about myself in the book, or they can visit any bookstore website. It's available. August 16 was the publication date. So it's available on Kindle and all forms of ebook. The audible is not out yet. That will be released, probably somewhere in November, but they can find it anywhere.

John, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for again being vulnerable. I believe you're helping so many people by opening up your heart and sharing your deepest pain. So thank you so much for being my guest on the show today.

Michelle, thank you. I appreciate you having me on.

So for those of you listening, if you too have experienced unhealthy patterns in your life that you believe are related to early childhood pain, I encourage you to seek help. John's journey included so many more painful stops along the way before he arrived at that place of peace. But he stayed the course. worse. So I just want to encourage you that there is hope. You're not alone in your pain. You may feel like you've tried it all and nothing seems to work, but don't give up. And one day like John, you'll be able to help someone else by the lessons you learned from your loss. Thanks for listening