How my daughter's death created a legacy of life

Well, hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. When we experience the loss of a loved one, the initial shock and painful days that follow can be unimaginably difficult, and experts often advise grieving people to hold off on making big decisions like selling a home or moving away for at least a year, to allow them to regain the presence of mind required to think objectively and make good choices. But there's one decision that in many cases, comes right away to those left behind after the loss of the loved one, and that's the decision whether or not to donate their organs. Well, my guest today is an amazing woman with an incredible story. During a family vacation in Colorado in 2010, her 13 year old daughter's life was tragically cut short in a skiing accident, and then she and her husband were soon faced with that choice, and what followed not only helped them to find purpose in their pain, but also helped five other people receive the gift of life. She's a devoted wife, mother, author, speaker, philanthropist and the founder of Taylor's Gift Foundation, a nonprofit 501c3 organization committed to providing emotional and grief support to organ donor families through a program that exists to help individuals who are walking the path of grief. Her name is Tara Storch and it's my great honor and privilege to have her as my guest on the show today. Welcome to Qualified Tara.

Hey, Michelle, thank you for having me .

Well, Tara, thanks for joining me here today to share your story and message with us. I know listeners are just going to be so inspired by hearing it, but first tell us about your daughter, Taylor, and then, if you would also please share what happened on March 15th 2010.

Sure, so I don't think you have enough time in this podcast for me to share all the wonderful things about Taylor. You know every parent thinks their child's just amazing, right, and Taylor really was something special. She was such. She was that kid that would pick up her lunch tray and go sit with someone who had no friends. She was that child who was so others centered. We actually had one of her really good friends over for dinner not too long ago who's all grown up and an adult now, and she said something that I think really talks about who Taylor was. She said she was. Taylor was everybody's best friend, she was the one that was present and she would listen. When we were with her, you felt special and important and for such a young age, that was so amazing, such a beautiful quality about her. And so she was a great big sister, a precious daughter, and we were on our spring break vacation in Beaver Creek, Colorado, in March of 2010, our first family ski trip. And it was on that very first day of our vacation that, at the end of the day, Taylor and my husband and my son Ryan wanted to have one last run before the slopes closed, and it was on that last run that Taylor had an accident and skid into the trees and hit a tree and doing everything right wearing a helmet, good athlete. And it was from that accident that she was care flighted to Grand Junction, Colorado, where we met this huge group of doctors who were telling us they were doing everything they could to save her. And boy did they. They did everything they could to save our child. And then we knew, by some conversations we were having, that she wasn't going to survive these injuries.

I am so very sorry, Tara, and I know there's just no words to describe the feeling of hearing those words from a doctor about your child and no way to prepare for the devastation like that. But you were also approached by a nurse at that time. Tell us about that conversation.

I will never forget this. Todd was standing by her bed and I was sitting on a couch beside her bed because the shock was so overwhelming that many times I just couldn't stand. And so I'm sitting there and this nurse comes on and she kind of kneels down beside me and she says your daughter is a beautiful candidate for organ donation, Would you consider it? And it was almost like she was just honoring the kindness of who Taylor was and out of the hardest decisions we were making, Todd and I looked at each other and that was the easiest thing to say yes to, because the type of child Taylor was, she was so other centered and we knew in our heart of hearts that if she would have been asked that question she absolutely would have said yes.

I'm so glad that you had no reservations whatsoever about making that decision, based on the person Taylor was and how she would have handled something like this. But I gotta say it's amazing that you were able to have the strength in those moments, when I can imagine that the shock and grief were just overwhelming you. So let's talk about your emotional state following the news. How were you able to manage in those early days, and where did you turn for support and comfort?

You know I mean the grief in the hospital I think was more shock and confusion. I mean our thought went from immediately that she's going to be coming back with us and trying out for her high school volleyball team, right, I mean she was going to be going into high school the next year and you know that was one question we had asked the doctors is well, how long will it be until she can be up and running playing volleyball when we first got to the hospital, because that was something she was so looking forward to, right. And then it just completely flipped in the light switch moment. So the grief I think at that point was more of shock and confusion and almost horror, like you almost felt outside of your body, right, watching what was going on, because it just did not feel real.

Yeah, I think horror is actually a really good way to describe those initial shock feelings and I think many people listening can probably completely understand that if they've suffered a similar loss. It's just surreal. Can you tell us a little bit more about how those days played out for you and how that deep grief affected you both mentally and emotionally?

Yeah, so you know that deep grief also came across with me, that I kind of lost days To this to right now. I mean Todd has talked to me about things that I was doing that I don't have any memory of right. You kind of have that fog of grief and I didn't know that I was sitting up in bed screaming. I had no idea that was going on and I think because sleep was kind of the only escape and when I woke up the heaviness of that was so hard my body couldn't handle it, and I think that's how it affected me is that I would scream, because I woke up in complete shock that this had just happened to our family and that Taylor was no longer here. It was so hard for me to comprehend, you know, to comprehend that our life was so different and we had lost her. I just it was so difficult to understand. And so those emotions were very raw and real. When we wrote the book, we really, you know, said we're not gonna hold back on the rawness of these emotions because they're real and they're heavy. And you know the grief of waking up with feeling like you have an elephant on your chest, right that you just can't breathe is real and how you handle that. Everyone handles grief so differently. Todd and I were handling grief completely different. He wanted to be around Taylor's friends. I couldn't do it. It was too hard for me.

Yeah, I could totally relate to those feelings. Tara and I had similar feelings in the beginning too. My husband also tells me things now that I absolutely cannot remember happening about the way I grieved, the things I did and said it's awful. So, given that you were both handling things differently, how did you manage to get through this difficult emotional time as a couple?

So it was really going forward that we were introduced to a family who were 10 years ahead of us in losing their child, and I remember looking at them and thinking how in the world did they go 10 years? I just could not even think about tomorrow. How were they ahead? And they had smiles on their face and they had a clean home and she had makeup on, and those were things that I just couldn't function to do. And they said something to us that was so game changing in our marriage and it was so simple. We were talking about how we were both grieving so differently and I remember she looked at us and she said you have to give each other the grace to grieve the way that person needs to. And the funny thing is is that we have a really strong marriage and an incredible foundation, but we were not giving each other that grace. I could not figure out why he wanted to be around Taylor's friends all the time. I mean that was just like awful for me, because it was a constant reminder of what I lost and he couldn't understand how I couldn't get out of bed and that I just couldn't function, and so it was that difference, and so just hearing that we need to give each other that grace really was a light switch moment for us in our marriage when we started kind of, go okay, you need to do what you need to do. But yeah, I mean there was some really dark moments for me. I mean very dark moments and just talking and smiling really what we needed, being able to look back on that, on how far I've come, to be able to talk about Taylor with a smile on my face, without it just becoming this horrible feeling in my chest. I think you know people say, oh, time will heal. I don't think so. I think what it does is that it lessens the sting of grief and I think you learn to carry on. I don't think you want to move on, but you want to move forward and that's what happens and you learn to move forward, just taking that next step and taking Taylor with us in a different way.

Yeah, well said, and I'm so glad you shared all of that because, yeah, in those early days you just can't imagine ever being happy or smiling again, or even making it to the 10 year mark. But talking to others who have can really be inspirational, and it's my hope that that's what you're doing for listeners today. Well, as I said in the intro, you and your husband have written a book called Taylor's Gift and in it you very openly share about your grief and all the emotions you experience following Taylor's passing. And in one place I recall reading about how you close the door to Taylor's bedroom because it was just too hard to pass by and see it and be reminded. And I remember doing the same thing. It's an odd thing that other people may not understand, but it was almost like some sort of sanctuary and I wanted it all to myself. So talk about what happened to you when a friend advised you to open the door again.

Yeah. So a friend of mine, you know, surprised me and came in and I think Todd asked her to come in and just be with me. And yes, I had closed Taylor's door because every time I passed it it was just I saw what used to be right at her room look like life interrupted. Her volleyball shoes are on the floor, you know, I mean, it just looked like she should be there. And so I remember my friend saying you've got to open that door because you're robbing your other children and friends and family from having the joy of her and they may want to go in and that's how they're connecting with her. And I realized that without realizing that that was selfish of me. Right, and grief can be that way, you know, sometimes because you're so consumed with your feelings it's hard to look outside of that. And I wasn't looking and I wasn't looking outside of that and that door opened and I remember being there and sitting outside of her room and this reflection of a cross came and was just right on the carpet next to me and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from and it was just how the sun was hitting something in her window. I don't think we could ever replicate it again, but it was exactly how something was hitting her window, that this beautiful cross was on the floor right next to me, and it was just what I needed at that time.

That's just amazing and I love hearing about these totally supernatural moments that my guests have had, because I've had them too and they're real and they're actually comforting. And you know, it always seemed like, when I was at a really bad place and feeling completely hopeless in my grief after losing Sean, that something would happen to restore my faith and remind me that he was okay. So I love that. You saw a cross and you captured that image and a photo that's in your book, right?

We did we did. We were sitting there, sitting on the ground. I said, Todd, you've got to come up here and bring the camera, you know, because I think back then it was a camera.

Yeah, not a phone, yeah. Well, so, speaking of Todd, so I know from reading the book that Todd and also your son, Ryan, were on the slopes that day with Taylor and that Ryan witnessed the accident. I saw a little video clip on your website of him talking and then you saw how he's doing today. And also you have another daughter, Peyton. How would you describe each of their grief and then the impact of Taylor's death on your family as a whole?

Well, thank you for asking about them. You know, I think they are probably more empathetic, more compassionate, more able to sit with others in the hard things than maybe they ever would have done before. Right, they both grieved very differently. Also, ryan dealt with not only grief, but he dealt with the trauma right. So that was a whole different level. And Peyton was with me when all that happened, so her experience was completely different. And so you know, when we first started out as a family of four, that was really really hard. Todd and I were receiving some grief support and we felt like that Ryan and Peyton should have that too. We started looking for someone that could help our children and they were not receptive to it, but we felt like this is what they needed. We kept trying. I think it was the second counselor who sat Todd and I down and said you can't force anyone to talk. They're going to talk when they're ready, and it may not be until their 20s or 30s or whenever that will happen. They'll be ready. And so really, that was also changing, because we wanted to help them so desperately that we felt like that would help, but it wasn't what they needed. It really wasn't what they needed at that point so young Some children that's exactly what they needed and it helped, but not for our two. They really leaned on us for that support because we all had that shared experience and so we learned to just love them where they are. That's the biggest thing we've got out of. It is just to love where you are. In that grief, some days are better than others. Right, I mean, some days are going to be triggers. But Ryan, as an adult, has completely made this part of him and it is part of his story. He talks about how it has now strengthened his faith. It is part of who he is as a man and now a father, and Peyton is a labor delivery nurse. So she's there with life and she's that caretaker and she's with those in beautiful moments and hard moments, and so they both have just become incredible adults. Incredible adults.

Well, as hard as this was on all of them, I love that it resulted in them both having greater empathy and compassion for others and that Taylor's passing has been so ingrained into who they are today. That's beautiful, and you must be so proud of them. Well, so now let's talk about the organ donation aspect of it. So I thought it was interesting, and when you and I talked before, when you were presented with the idea right away about donating Taylor's organs, it seemed like there was no apprehension whatsoever. You both said, absolutely, it's what Taylor would want. And I had to sit with that for a minute because I know that's not an easy choice to make. And so what would you say to someone who is apprehensive and they think I can't make a choice like that right now, in the midst of grief?

I think it's such a personal decision I really do, and I think it's a conversation that needs to be had before a moment like that. And so we had never talked about organ donation in our family, not even once. I think my husband and I had checked it off on our driver's license at some point, right, but it wasn't a topic of conversation in our home until we were faced with it, and it was an easy decision for us because of Taylor, it just felt like for her final act in this world to give to others. It would have absolutely been something that she would have said yes to, and we knew in that moment it was the right decision for our family. But for those who are struggling with it, I would just say that it's a beautiful act of service to give to others in your final moments, and we understand it's not an easy topic. We get it. I mean to have a conversation like that in your home, right. I mean it's difficult because when people think of organ donation and tissue donation, they immediately think of death, but organ, eye and tissue donation is all about life. That's what it's about, and so we wanted to change that conversation. So an easy way to have this conversation with your family and friends is just to, instead of saying, hey, do you want to be an organ donor someday, why don't you say how do you want to outlive yourself, how do you want to make a lasting difference in the lives of others? And you can bring up the fact for me, I want to save others when I can in those last moments, and so that's an easy way to bring it up is how do you want to outlive yourself? So that's the way we encourage people to talk about it. But I think that in that moment it's such a personal decision and I think you will know in that moment what your loved one would have wanted. But I would just highly encourage you have those conversations ahead of time.

Yes, that's great advice and I just love it that you're helping people in so many ways. You understand the grieving process and you also understand the gift of life that organ donation is, and, as a result of Taylor's death, you and your husband have written this book and you've started a foundation to raise awareness about organ donation, and so everything sort of worked out for good, even in the midst of tragedy so good. So, Tara, if you would just take a minute and please tell us what the Taylor's Gift Foundation seeks to do, what's the mission, and if you could tell us what are you most proud of about what you've achieved so far?

Oh, wow. So when we first started Taylor's Gift, Todd ran it for the first three years and then it was time for an executive director to come in and take over and take us to the next level. And the engine of Taylor's Gift will always be to share the importance of organ donation and how to outlive yourself. But our main focus is to provide free grief support for the donor's side. So we're called donor families and you'll hear that with Taylor's Gift a lot. A donor family is a family whose loved one was able to give the gift of life to others. So we're a donor family and we noticed throughout the nation there was a lack of grief support specifically for the donor side. So what I'm most proud of really is just the way we have been able to help so many donor families in their grief. We have walked this journey and we understand it. You know the grief of a donor family is different. It's kind of complicated in the sense you got the grief from the sudden loss, because organ and tissue donation comes out of an accident or a tragedy it just does Combined with the silver lining that your loved one saved others right. So you kind of have this mix of grief and gratitude in a sense kind of share the same space and we understand that grief. So that's what we are most proud of is our grief support program that we provide free to donor families across the nation.

That's wonderful and so important. So I'm just curious how do donor families connect with you or find out about the services you offer?

So little. Organ donation 101. So when there is someone in the hospital who is able to save others through donation, the hospital reaches out to their local organ procurement organization, an OPO and there's 57 of them across the nation, just you know, just thinking one per se, just kind of go from there. But bigger states have more and so they reach out to their local organ procurement organization who sends over someone who will sit with the family and talk to them about organ donation and walk them through that process. These are very special people who will sit with these families in their darkest hour and help them with that whole process, you know, and the paperwork involved and things like that with the family. So they're seeing these families and so it's through those. We have partners with these organ procurement organizations who know these donor families very well and they'll let them know about our grief support resource. But we also get yeah, we get them referrals. These donor families come to us through these organ procurement organizations, but we also have a lot of families come to us through word of mouth. They heard about us on a news story or on national media or on social media or through a family member or someone at a hospital knows about the resource we provide. So it's through our OPO partners and through, just organically, word of mouth.

Well, speaking of the media and all of that, I want to talk about that next. But there was a poem that Taylor turned in at school right before the vacation and it was included in the book, an autobiographical poem. It was called I Am, and the whole poem was incredibly beautiful, but I remember as I was reading, knowing that it was right before the accident, four things just like jumped out at me, and one of them was I wonder how long is forever? That was a big deal I try to make every day like my last. I can say with pride that I'm a Christian, wow. And I want to be on the Ellen DeGeneres show, yes, and then something happened on the same date a year later. So could you just connect those two dots for us?

Right. So the Ellen DeGeneres show. Taylor loved that because whenever I watched that show I just belly laughed. I think she's just so funny. So she put that on there, right, because I think she wanted to do that for me, right? I think is where that came from. But yes, a year later to the date that she wrote that poem, a friend of mine in California had won tickets at her child's school raffle to the Ellen Show and she asked me to come with her and it was on that date. I'm sitting in the audience and Ellen pulls me out of the audience to sit with her and to share about Taylor and to read the poem to Ellen. And it was. It was so amazing how God orchestrated all of that. It was just beautiful that Taylor was on the Ellen DeGeneres show. It came true.

Well, that is so cool and the details of how all that came together are in the book, but it was just truly so amazing and yet another one of those beautiful moments that seemed to come at us that are like gifts and little blessings. They're just so sweet and they serve as reminders that our kids are still here with us in a way. Ok, so your book Taylor's Gift, highlights how the lives of five people were radically changed because they received Taylor's organs, and you actually ended up meeting some of them. Can you tell us about that?

So her heart went to a mom, patricia, who is mom of two and she was able to be mom again. Jonathan has her kidney and he was a big hiker and biker and he wasn't able to do any of that because of dialysis and Taylor's kidney gave him his life back. Her kidney in pancreas went to a man named Jeff, who really just was a dad and such a sweet guy cowboy and he's just a sweet, sweet man and he was insulin dependent and doing dialysis. He wasn't able to keep a job because he was always so sick and Taylor's kidney in pancreas has given him his life back. He's now a grandfather. Her cornea recipient actually went to a special needs child who's now 21 and will still Facebook message me on how she sees well and she's happy to be have sight I mean, it's just so sweet. And then her liver went to a young child who we haven't met yet, but at this point it would probably be around 15 years old. So, yeah, so she really. That one yes of organ donation really gave these families the gift of time that's what it did and the gift of more birthdays and memories and experiences together, which they've done Wow so wonderful and I think, the thing that touched me so much.

I mean, all the stories are wonderful, but I saw a clip of you on Good Morning America and you were with the woman who had received Taylor's heart and you had the opportunity to listen to it beating through her stethoscope. That had to be an incredible moment for you.

So, yes, that story when we met Taylor's heart recipient, a camera crew was with us from our local station and did a beautiful job capturing the moment where we got to hear Taylor's heartbeat. And that story hit Good Morning America, which really kind of launched things nationally for Taylor's gift and the work we do. But that story is very powerful and you can go to our website taylorsgiftorg and see that story and it really makes a huge difference. It really makes you see what the gift of life can do?

Yes, it does, and it brought me to tears watching it and I know others will appreciate seeing it and what you're doing, and I'll put a link in the show notes to your website so that listeners can go there and see for themselves and learn more about what you're doing in organ donation. So, Tara, thank you so much for beautifully articulating not only Taylor's story, her life and her passing, and then the ultimate gift she gave to others. You made some very good points that I want to summarize here because I think they're so valuable. You said we should understand that initial grief can be shocking, confusing and even horrifying, and that losing a loved one suddenly can be surreal and there's no way to be prepared in advance for it, but that it's normal and to be expected at this time. You shared about your own emotions and how they differed from your husbands and how that was difficult to understand until you learned that giving each other grace was key to working through this time as a couple. You talked about how we may hear that time will heal, but you found that time seems to lessen the sting of grief and that eventually you learned to carry on and move forward, taking that next step with your loved one in a new and different way. You explained how your own grief caused you to want to control the environment in your home, including who had access to your daughter's bedroom, but you later realized that it's important to be mindful of how others grieve so as not to deny them access to the things that may bring them joy. You realized that we mustn't force someone else to talk before they're ready or enter into counseling if they resist the idea, knowing it's more important just to learn to love them where they are in their grief. And finally, you wanted us to know that donating a loved one's organs is a beautiful act of service to others and that organ and tissue donation is not about death but about life. Tara, what other lessons have you learned from this great loss in your life that you can share with someone listening who needs hope right now?

You know, it's almost like whenever we met with that other couple that were 10 years ahead of us. It's like how in the world are they functioning? And I think I think people just need to know that they can do it, that next step can happen. I think probably something that my grief counselor shared with me is that I was always projecting in the future. For example, when this happened, I was very consumed of what it was going to be like when Taylor's class graduated from high school. I was already thinking four years ahead. What she said I still use to this day she goes how you think you're going to feel then is not how you feel now, meaning that I'm projecting exactly how I feel today on four years from now. Know that how you feel right now is going to be different tomorrow, the next day, even a year down the road. Know that you have the strength to do it you do. By you having that resilience in you that you don't even know you had, you actually are going to inspire others because they're going to look at you and someday go, wow, they did it, they've walked this journey and you will also be able to help others because of the pain you've been through and that comforting others is also very part of being Jesus' hands and feet. To step into that with others helps you to believe it or not.

Oh, it absolutely does. I can attest to that, and I love that you talk about the ability we have now to comfort others with the comfort that we've received from God, because that's actually right out of Scripture in 2 Corinthians, Chapter one, and I truly believe that as well. So, Tara, can you just talk for a minute about how walking through this impacted your relationship with God?

You know, at first, to be honest with you, it was very shaken Because the swirling question of why, why did this happen? Made you kind of just go why God? But then you realize that I mean, it wasn't like this light switch moment, but I'd rather be in the dark side of grief with Him than without Him. And so, staying in that dark side of grief, I realized how much I needed Him. So you know, my faith was shaken but it was never broken.

I'm so glad and I think having faith is key to surviving all this hard stuff, because we can trust that we're not alone and I know what you shared is helping someone listening right now who's struggling. But what about someone who wants to help someone else? What can you offer to someone who wants to support a griever through those hard early days?

Yeah, you know, sometimes it's hard to be friends with someone who is grieving, right, it's just hard because you just you feel like you don't know what to say. And I'm going to share with you a quick story of a friend of mine who she's a very dear friend now, but when Taylor passed away, I didn't really know her. She was someone in my community and what she did is that she rang the doorbell and when I opened the door I didn't know who she was. I had never met her before. And she said I don't know what to say, I just want you to know I'm here, and that was all it took. And I realized that was the most beautiful thing to say to somebody who is walking through grief, because what happens many times, as you know, is that people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all. That's right, and that's right and so, and then grief becomes very isolating and lonely, and so what she said gave this open door to I don't know what to say, but I'm going to try. So my advice always is to show up, be Daniella who showed up at my door, ring that doorbell, you know, say I don't know what to say, but I'm here and I think that right there means so much than someone trying to fix you right, because you're completely changed. You're a completely different person now, so I think that was probably the best moment. Just show up the way she did.

Yes, great advice Just show up. You know so many people don't know what to say or do, and that's totally understandable. But your words are spot on. Just show up. That's a great comfort and grief. No requirements, Just be present. Thank you Well, Tara, it's been so nice having you on the show. Thank you for sharing Taylor's story, your story, your family's story, and for going deep into this discussion with me because, like me, I know your heart is to help people in any way we can with what we've learned. Thanks again.

Well, thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

So for those of you listening, if you're in the early stages of grief, you most likely can't even imagine things looking brighter tomorrow or that anything good could ever come from losing a child. But Tara is living proof that it can. Not only did she eventually overcome the horrific shock and pain and trauma of losing Taylor suddenly that day in the mountains, but she and her family have taken what they learned and started a foundation that helps other people in their grief and with the life-saving gift of organ donation. Tara said she's had some very dark moments and her faith was shaken, but she'd rather be in the dark side of grief with God than without him. That's a good place to be. Faith doesn't remove the pain or make us miss our loved ones any less, but faith can give us hope hope about tomorrow and when we go through adversity and loss in life, we have a choice about how to move forward, and we can be bitter or better. We can choose to grow, find meaning and purpose, like Tara did, and then one day we can help other people with the lessons we learned in our loss. Thanks for listening.