How my Divorce Changed my Life

Hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. A dictionary defines loss as the act or fact, of being unable to keep or maintain something, or someone. And the text listed a number of examples to illustrate the variety of ways we can experience loss. One of the most devastating forms of loss can be the death of a marriage. And studies show that many people who have gone through a divorce also experience some of the same kinds of physical and emotional pain as those who've lost loved ones to death. Divorce changes everything. And as with any kind of loss, we have seen that there are lessons to be learned in the midst of the adversity, that we can survive and thrive again. We can get better or bitter. Today's guest will describe the impact his divorce had on his life, and share some valuable realizations he had while walking through this difficult time. Welcome to Qualified, Jim.

Thank you, Michelle. I'm so glad to be here.

Great. Jim, you went through a painful divorce several years ago, and you're going to talk about that experience. But can you just summarize for us the type of home you grew up in? And the person you were back then?

Okay, well, I came from a stable family, my mom and dad remained married all the way up until my father's death. I have one brother, we had our normal challenges. But we did have love in our household. And Dad always made sure we, we were taken care of. Mom stayed home with us while we were at school. And so that was always a good thing. Although my family was stable in that my mom and dad remained married, and I had a brother, and we had pets. We had no faith at all, in our family. We were taught that anything that happened to us or anything that we were due to get was going to be by our own actions, by our own work. And anything that needed to be done, we needed to buck up and take care of it ourselves. But like kind of got disrupted when we moved from Colorado, I was nine years old, and my dad wanted to move to Southern California. And that really rocked my world. I wasn't really prepared to give up my comfort zone and my friends that I had. And I came here to this beautiful Southern California, but I didn't know anybody. And I was having to start over. And I think it really brought in some of my insecurities and anxiety. And at the time, they manifested themselves kind of in physical things like stomach aches that would keep me out of school. And back then, mental health issues weren't so looked after they focused more on the physical, but we all know our mental attitudes and beliefs can certainly manifest themselves physically. So I basically was diagnosed as Jim needs a friend. And a friend did come along and I got going but I really was living my life, sheltering myself from my anxiety and didn't want people to see it. And I ended up using bravado and making myself all important and when I really wasn't, and I was really very insecure, avoided situations where I was challenged where my shield might come off. And I'd really lived that way the majority of my life. Looking back at my my dad, you know, he was the same way, basically a chain smoker. You know, I look back how nervous he was insecure at parties and talking with large groups of people and things like that, which really should be normal things.

So you began to mask your anxiety and insecurities well into your teenage years. And then you met the young woman who had eventually become your wife. How did these issues impact your relationship with her?

Well, I went along as a normal teenager, I had lots of hobbies. I had what I thought were lots of close friends. And at a very young age, I met a young woman who was a neighbor of one of my best friends. But we formed I formed a relationship with her it was you know what we would called back then a steady relationship. But that went on through high school breaking up and getting back together. And, you know, as we got older, I'm talking about a long time I, I was very non committal, I really kept myself from committing to things that were long term or I thought there was a possibility of me failing at, and, you know, dating through high school. And then past, the natural progression is marriage, and I really dug my heels in I, although I came from a stable family, I wouldn't really say my parents relationship was great. They didn't really share hobbies, Dad did his own thing. Mom was just simple and stayed home. And I didn't want to have something like that. And even though I was lacking self confidence, I still had an overinflated sense of myself. And I sometimes thought I deserved better.

So you two were together for many years by this time, but you weren't willing to take things to the next level? How did she respond to that?

Well, it got to the point where she gave me an ultimatum and I didn't want to lose her. And we married in 1985. We had what I thought was a pretty good relationship. Although when I look back, I certainly see the mistakes that I made. I wasn't always as loving as I should have been. I really was mirroring behaviors that I saw my father have, and they weren't always great behaviors. I just really didn't know any better that that was how I learned how to live and how to control my world. We bought a home and fixed it up and ended up getting rental properties. And we had great vacations every year and had friends and hobbies and things to look forward to. But her dissatisfaction just grew and grew to the point where we separated and started marriage counseling.

How did you feel about going to counseling?

Well, we went to that, but I went kind of kicking and screaming, I'd show up to the appointments. But I was delighted when I felt I was frustrating her or making my wife be the bad guy. And I would leave the meeting, thinking you know, reviewing in my mind Did I benefit from that am I being thought of as the victor in this battle that we are discussing every every week as we gather. And we thought we had done well enough where she moved back in and even thought we were solid enough to go on another vacation with our friends, which we did. But it wasn't long after that. Her reality was she no longer loved me. She did not like the life that I was putting her through. I don't think she felt validated. I was quick to snap at her. And I would even say I lived our whole 10 year marriage really with one foot out the door. If I was upset about something I was quick to point out that divorce was certainly an option. Most everything that I was upset about I blamed on her. We came back from a very nice vacation. I thought we had a nice time. And then it was right before Halloween. And she called me over and sat me down and she told me that she wanted a divorce.

So you didn't see it coming? How did it impact you emotionally?

I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't believe it. And she wasn't leaving that particular day I in fact, if I remember right, she was there the house for another month. And as that time got closer and closer until her final possessions were out the door. And she left for the very last time. It's a memory that I'll never forget. It was incredibly painful. I think I was in complete denial the entire time during counseling up until she told me she wanted to wanted to divorce until the time when she actually physically left when she left and that door closed behind her for the very last time my shield came off. I could no longer pretend and I didn't know what to do. I remember standing there in the in the entry way, I didn't know whether I should sit stand cry, I, I knew it was completely over. And I knew that I had done it to myself.

Well, in addition to losing your wife, were there other losses that came as a result of her leaving?

I lost what I thought were core friends, solid friends, I don't know, if they couldn't, didn't want to choose between us sided with her. I was incredibly lonely. I was not used to being by myself. And I just didn't have anything to do, all of my hobbies seemed worthless. I continued to go to work and do my job. And that was really the only thing that saved me. I would visit with my parents from time and didn't even find that comforting, because dad would snap at mom. And it would just remind me of the life that I put my wife through. And I just didn't want to be like that any longer. And I want it to I want it to feel better. And I want it to, to somehow find a way to move on yet, even though I didn't know really what that was going to look like. I was very depressed. I think it was something that I struggled with my whole life, anxiety and depression go together. And in my depression, I sleep but my mental health, I was still a wreck, and I just didn't know what to do aboutit.

So what caused you to ultimately look inward and decide to take ownership of your role in the divorce,?

I still was a wreck. And I decided to continue with our marriage therapist who I used to battle with. I used to take pleasure in her not getting anywhere and spinning her wheels. But I knew she was somebody that knew both of us, she knew me. And I knew she cared for me and wanted to help me. So I scheduled appointments back with her again and continued to work on myself to try to understand what I had done. I knew I played a big role in this. And it was all starting to come to me. But it wasn't until Kay used that word misogynist that the lights really came on. To be honest with you, I had never heard that word before. And when I read the definition, I was ashamed. It's the last person I'd want to be. And I set out to change myself.

So your therapist labeled your behavior as misogynistic, which is a term that literally means a hatred of women. But it's also used to describe the devaluation and objectification of women.

That is correct. And as I continued to meet with her over time, she told me that most men that possess the characteristic that I had seldom break out of it. I think of it as kind of a miracle. I didn't want to be like that. I was a insecure person who had incredible anxiety that was being masked with bravado. And it was not serving me well. And I wanted to make a change.

Wow. Well, that is a huge realization, Jim. And for someone who was afraid of commitment, it sounds like you are finally committed now to changing some things about yourself. That's huge. So some time passes, you continue in therapy. And at one point, your therapist makes a recommendation about a group she'd like you to attend.

I was very lonely. And I found that I had to have something planned during any of my off time when I wasn't working or sleeping, especially weekends. And I was encouraged by my counselor to plan things and make sure I had something going into the weekend to do just for my own benefit, which I took her up on and I tried many new things. I started dancing on one of the weeknights of a group get together and learn that swing dance and then just so many things, but one of the things was even though I didn't have children, and I was afraid of having children my whole life afraid of the responsibility. My counselor asked me to go to a parents without partners meeting, which I immediately rejected until she told me you don't know until you see. So I went and it ended up being just a fantastic group of people who welcomed me even though I was childless. I think we met on Thursday nights. And then one day, this young woman named Theresa came to one of the meetings and I remembered what was like when you first new and trying to meet people and feel like you fit in. So I took it upon myself just to try to make her feel comfortable. But then when the meeting ended, I'd hoped she'd come back the next week, which luckily she did. And I was getting brave and trying to start to date and I got her number. We ended up going out to dinner in a movie. And we progressed from there. I still was working on my problems, I was very non committal.

So you continue to date, Theresa, you're still in therapy, and working on yourself. And then you said you had a spiritual awakening when you lost an important family member in 2005. What happened?

My uncle Jerry, passed away at a very young age of 67. And Jerry was my favorite uncle just so happened to be he was a pastor as well, as was one of my cousins, his son. So I made arrangements to fly back to Uncle Jerry's funeral. So as I'm back at the house, talking with my cousins, my cousin took the time to explain to me what having a relationship with Jesus means, and what I can expect to get out of it. And it was incredible. I was counseled by cousin Tim, that I needed to come home, and find a good Bible believing church, and start attending and build community and start my journey in learning. And that is what we did, I came home and I told Theresa what had happened. And she says, I know the perfect place to go. It was a recommendation from one of her friends. And we went, and my life changed radically.

That's wonderful. You said you grew up in a home without faith. So now while you're learning to share the bad behavior that was passed down to you, you're also learning about the love of God. And you said that played a big part in shaping you into a kinder and gentler man. How do you feel about the reality that your father did not impart these ideals to you growing up and that you had to go on this journey of loss for many years before your life turned around?

Well, like we all do, we do the best with what we know. My father passed away just before uncle Jerry in September of 2005. And my dad was battling cancer and ended up having another situation come up that ended up taking his life very quickly. And I remember sitting in the hospital, the ICU waiting room. And I remember seeing him and just telling him that I loved him, but I didn't know what else to say at that point. I just told him that I loved him. He just did the best he could he was an only child. You know, he was caught up in all the same stuff that almost all men are, you know, if if you don't know, it's damaging, you just roll with it?

Exactly. It's what you know. What would you say to someone who might find themselves going through a divorce right now, who's unhappy, feeling alone, depressed, or even anxious, like you were?

I would say, Hang on, it will get better. But you're going to have to do some work. You're going to have to acknowledge the part that you played in the divorce. You're going to have to find a way to change some behaviors that were not beneficial in a marriage. And you're going to need to remain optimistic. There is a lot of lonely people out there that want to have a partner.

Talk to someone who's listening who's closed off to the idea of marriage for the second time, based on a painful first experience. Is there hope for them to find love again?

Yes, there is absolutely hope. You're going to go through a range of emotions. You're going to possibly be in denial, you're going to be angry. You're going to be sorrowful. It's going to hit you different ways at different times. But over time, you can move past whatever your problem is, it does not matter. and divorce is right in there with the rest of them. While you're alive, there is always hope, in all circumstances, whether it be an illness, a mental condition, a sadness, a depression, and in this case, a divorce. That is heartbreaking. And Michelle said it, it's like a death. It's not something we go into marriage expecting to happen to us. But unfortunately, it does. But it's no reason to give up.

You know, I have a friend who is older, she has been divorced for many years and never chose to enter back into a relationship. And I talked to her recently about her thoughts on ever doing that again. And she said, you know, at this point in my life, if I did meet somebody, the sad reality is, there's no history, they don't have a history of life and love that they can share. What are your thoughts about that?

Well, that's true. As we get older, we've all lived a life on our own without a new potential partner. It's something you've got to adjust to. But there's still companionship, maybe new experiences and new hobbies to look forward to and to plan on. You just need to go in with an open mind. You need to be open to it.

Well, Jim, you shared some valuable lessons that you learned as a result of going through a divorce. You talked about how our upbringing and our perception of our parents marriage plays a vital role in shaping not only who we are, but also the way we see one another. And the value we place on marriage. You shared about how your own personal anxiety and insecurities from your youth carried over into your adult years, and how left unchecked, they can impact people around us as well. You spoke of the value of counseling, and your willingness to be introspective, and look inward to grow and move forward. You said you were open to new ideas and recommendations that could help you and expand your way of thinking. You told us that the power of faith and having a relationship with God also played a big part in your radical transformation from a selfish self centered person to a more loving and empathetic human being. What other lessons that you learn as a result of your losses that you can share, to help someone listening who needs help today?

The lessons are and I don't really understand this, but when I look back, if I hadn't gone through that I would have been spiraling as a man that I now do not want to be, I would not be as kind to people as I am now I would not be as optimistic as I am now. I would not have shared my anxieties, and depression as much as I've been able to now. It had to break me that was what it took for me. I don't think I would have changed on my own. I don't understand it. But that is how it happened. And I am thankful for it as hard as it was. Nothing is fun. Unless it's shared. Nothing's enjoyable. Our experiences are empty if we don't have somebody to either do them with or talk about. It's how God designed us. When I went through my divorce, I was in my late 30s. And that's really a long time, especially since we started dating in high school. And we're married for 10 years after a long dating process. But now, I'm 64 years old. I met Theresa right after my divorce. It took me a while to lose this noncommittal-ness that was plaguing me before we married. But we did marry and now I've been with Theresa longer than than I was with in my previous relationship. It's like I've lived two separate lives. And not that my first life was bad. It was just different and somewhat empty, are quite empty. Actually, when I look back, there were things that we were missing weren't even aware that we were missing. So now our marriage is not perfect. It's something that we have to make a conscious effort of working on every day. We have this commitment that our marriage is for life, no matter what comes up. We will resolve it. We won't walk away from it. And that's a real sea to your place to be and instead of knowing that your partner is always threatening to leave if anything displeases Him, I'm very ashamed of that past behavior and, and I'm thankful for my new outlook. And I've been blessed with a just a fantastic life. I was childless because of my fears of of taking the responsibility of children. And yet I've been blessed with first it was nieces and nephews that loved me like their own. And now I have my own three grandchildren, that I'm their Papa Jim. They mean everything to me, I can't wait to see him again. I can't wait to grow up with them and take take them out fishing for the first time. Maybe, Theresa, and I just love spending time with them. So I've been I've been blessed with a whole different but new life, Theresa had two children. When I met her, they were in their teenage years, which can be challenging as well. But we, being the outsider, I had to be careful if they had their own father in their lives. And I had to be careful to mind my position, I was just the boyfriend at the time. But to now, my daughter, I consider my own you don't have to be blood to be family has blessed us with three beautiful grandchildren. They're eight, five and four, I believe. And just an absolute joy. I just can't wait to, to experience life with them and grow with them.

So the man who never wanted children before, because they were a burden, you didn't want the responsibility. Not only is in love with his grandchildren, and children, but it's also serving in the children's ministry at his church.

It's crazy, isn't it? Michelle? I, I did not know what I was missing. Life is about taking risks. You can't shield yourself from all pain. If something happens to your loved one, you have to find a way to muster on. And it's no way to live. not committing to things. I wanted to have my own time I wanted to have my money that I could spend on myself. It's valueless. It If there isn't a relationship involved with it. I don't want to even be involved with it. I do still have lots of hobbies, but they're all relationship driven. They're nothing that I just sit and do by myself. I do serve at church and the children's ministry. I absolutely love it. I love these kids. I pray that I'm making a positive impact on their lives. And I look forward every chance I get to serve. It's just a blessing to be able to to serve our Lord, he gives back way more than you ever put in.

Wow. That's great. Thank you so much for agreeing to be here and for sharing all of this great information about your life with us today.

Well, I'm so glad you had me. My sincere hope is that somebody that needs to hear this story, hears it, and takes a hold of it and uses it to help them when they're feeling bad or hopeless or depressed. There's always the opportunity for for happiness and growth. So don't give up and and stay with it. Thank you, Michelle.

Yeah, thanks again, Jim. So for those of you listening, thank you so much for spending this time with us today. It's my hope that if you're going through the pain of divorce, that you are encouraged by Jim's words, radical transformation is not for the faint of heart. Jim was willing to take a hard look at how he contributed to the problems in his marriage. And he worked hard to make the changes that were needed. He was enmeshed in a way of thinking that was passed down to him. Yet his journey led him to all the right places so that he could find help and healing and eventually love again. It's never too late for a new beginning. Thanks for listening