Learning to see myself through His eyes

Michelle: 0:10

Hey everybody and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. Growing up and finding your place in the world can be tough for a child being in at school, making new friends, being accepted by others. We all probably have memories from our youth that were difficult Times when we were taunted or teased or shunned. Those early days may have been tough at times, but they most likely created strong character in us and contributed in a big way to who we are now. Well, my guest today had an extremely difficult time in her early life. She, too, was ridiculed and excluded as a young child because she was born with a severe cleft palate. She not only had to endure 26 surgeries and many months at a time in the hospital, but also a lot of bullying by her peers when she was in school. But like all of my incredible guests, she's an overcomer, a woman who persevered through the hard times and health issues and then discovered beauty and adversity that she wants to share with others. Today she's an international women's conference speaker, author, mentor, bible teacher, missionary, and founder and director of Crown of Beauty International. Her greatest joy is being a wife and mother of two adult children. Her name is Sue Corl and it's my great honor and privilege to have her as my guest on the show today. Welcome to Qualified Sue.

Sue: 1:54

Thank you, Michelle. It's so wonderful to be here. Thanks for having me.

Michelle: 1:58

Of course, thank you. Well, sue, I shared a little bit about you in the intro, but can you take us back and give us a little bit more insight into what life was like for you back in those early days when you were struggling with being bullied because of your appearance?

Sue: 2:16

Sure, I would say it all began. The greater part of the adversity was when I did go to school. Before that there was a lot of physical adversity, physical pain. I was in the hospital for most of my early childhood, zero to three. I did figure this out once, about 18 of my surgeries before the age of six. But then once I started school they were mostly once a year in the summertime. So the problem in that is I would get out of surgeries and it would be a relatively long recovery. I had no palate and no nose and no upper lip, and so they're trying to build it. And this, of course, was in old days, before they were actually just figuring out how to do skin grafting. It was my very doctor who discovered that whole procedure. Now they do much more complex things which by the time I hit high school they actually wanted to do. One of those procedures and we deciding not to is very risky. It's where you take from your ribs cartilage and then you take all your teeth out, you put it in your to make like an upper jaw and try to wire those teeth back in, but they might reject it. It was a huge surgery and it would also be another summer I couldn't do anything, and at that point I was getting into sports very seriously and turned out to be extremely talented in it, and my mom knew that was so important to my self-esteem. So we said no.

Michelle: 4:14

Well, Sue, those surgeries sound super complicated and I'm sure the recoveries were especially difficult. And I also just want to say thank you for giving us the detail you did about your condition and for sharing what you had to endure in terms of hospital stays and medical treatments. So let's go back again to your younger days in elementary school. Can you describe for us the way you were treated when you were with teachers and other students at school?

Sue: 4:42

So, as a child starting school before that, being used to having all the neighborhood kids pretty much know me, and so they get used to you and they accept you. But at school you have all these new kids, and the boys in particular feel this freedom to make nasty comments, and I would hear it constantly and it just pretty much to my recollection. Almost every day I come home crying, and what was probably one of the worst moments is when I was in first grade and the teacher called everybody up to the reading circle. You know how they still do that. And you come up and she reads a story and we talk about it or we read it too, whatever, and she's she. I start to get up and she says oh, you're staying your seat, we can understand you. Oh, no, and so and turns out that I was a really good reader already because I started speech therapy at age three and the guy had me learn to read very early so that I could practice at home by reading out loud. However, she obviously devalued me and it made me feel stupid, which could be that children were calling me stupid. It's because you're stupid, you know that kind of thing. Went home crying and my mom called the school. My mom is a very sweet, gentle, kind woman so I know she didn't yell at them, but she just told them what happened and they fired the woman. Then next day I went to school and I had a new teacher and I really liked her and she was super nice to me because obviously they told her how to treat me and that helped. And then we moved and my mom having seen now a year where it was really rough for me on playgrounds I get picked on things like that she went to the school ahead of time and she told the teacher everything and they suggested that I come the day after second day of school, not first day. So first day all the kids came in and she taught them all about what's a clap pala and how we treat kids who are different. So they were really great to me. I think that helped a lot. It didn't solve all the problems, I think, as I went into other years or encountered other children not my in that class or got the third, fourth, fifth grade, the time I remember that was the worst was sixth grade and I had these two boys. I still remember their name, john and Glenn. It was their goal in life to carerize me every single day. They did it verbally, they didn't ever touch me, but it was bad. I'm sure that just very much contributed to the belief that I am completely rejectable. I cannot be loved by any boy or man.

Michelle: 7:52

I'm so sorry about the way you were treated, Sue, and I appreciate you sharing how those wounds contributed to your self-esteem issues. So you told me that another pretty significant event happened in your family around that time that also had an impact on you with regard to how you were treated by the male figures in your life. Tell us about that.

Sue: 8:14

My father left our family Another loss because of the financial strain on my parents, because of my bills, obviously. So the one guy I had that I trusted a lot as very close to that left us. He didn't abandon us completely, as in. I never saw him, but his role changed from being dad who was home and knew it was going on and was involved in decision making and discipline. He actually cooked breakfast for us because mom had to go leave for work at 4am, did dishes at night, weekends, all that. That was all gone. So I really felt like I lost my daddy. So that just drilled in this fact that I can't count on any guy and that had a huge impact on my life.

Michelle: 9:13

I'm very sorry to hear about your father. Like you said, more loss, that's hard. So with so much adversity and loss in your life, Sue, how did you manage to hold it all together? What kind of support did you have that helped to carry you through such a difficult time?

Sue: 9:31

Yeah, I think along the way there were things that really helped me, I think initially having a neighborhood with a lot of kids where again that next day where we moved to, they were great and that's where my security came. Actually One thing that helped that was my mom was a nurse there, so they let her come in at 6am. Normally you weren't allowed to get there till 8am and she could stay till 8am and she could come every day. You couldn't even be allowed to stay overnight back then and she would bring crafts and books and puzzles and all kinds of things for me to do and really be with me in that, so that companionship, and she was always believing in me, pointing out positive things about me. Honestly, the doctors and nurses were amazing. They visit me they're so used to me being there, I guess and give me gifts, and that was sweet.

Michelle: 10:46

That's a lot to go through and I'm glad you had the support of your mom and a few others to keep you encouraged. But you told me that two big life events happened around 11th or 12th grade that also helped you feel more confident. Tell us about that.

Sue: 11:00

I discovered that I was a good athlete and I had a friend invite me to come out for a team. I never heard of La Crosse, I've never heard of Yodaki, so I was like, wow, I'm good at this. And by 9th grade my coach told me you could be an Olympic player one day and she knew because her sister was one. So that became my ambition and my goal and through athletics I became recognized, including with guys. So I came to believe that I have value and I have worth. But I did not feel I had value or worth as a feminine human being. That makes sense. I still struggle with that. Yes, I was very successful in athletics and it gave me confidence, even with boys. I would say, you know, it's the best athlete in school, kind of thing. However, what next thing happened my life was great is the first time I learned about having a relationship with Jesus Christ, and that was new for me having faith in my life. My mom was a Christian but didn't know how to express that. It wasn't emphasized. She lived it. I know she even went to Bible studies. She never talked about it. We didn't ever look at a Bible. You know nothing like that. So I get into high school and there was definitely a revival kind of thing going on in our area 100% you know it's like and a lot of hippies were turning to Jesus, you know, and there's this big movement. I know there's a movie out about that. I finally made it to the East Coast and hit our area and that was very special, I think, feeling that level of love and acceptance with Jesus who you think of as a man, right, I think that was helpful, honestly, but it still did not erase that lie and that insecurity. So as I went off to college, oh my goodness, I was so nervous because that's where girls find boyfriends. I went to a small college and it was kind of known for this is where you find your mate and I wasn't going to be having any guys looking at me. And right in the beginning I went to a party which I shouldn't have gone to, but I did, and this good looking guy started paying attention to me. He ended up walking me back and raping me.

Michelle: 13:47

Oh no, I am so sorry, sue. That's just awful, and I know that really had to have an impact on the way you would feel about men. You had already experienced the pain of losing your dad some years before, and now this happens. You told me that you began to experience severe anxiety, that you referred to as catastrophic anxiety, and you said you felt like you're always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Can you talk about those feelings and how you managed to ultimately overcome them?

Sue: 14:19

Sure, I think the starting point of anxiety in my life, which I didn't realize until way later in life, the root was that my father leaving us was so unexpected. My parents, we thought they got along, we really did, they were nice to each other and around us. Now they they weren't together a lot because they their work hours were different in the days, because they want to make sure we were always being watched, and so I have to say that could have been part of it, but I think they were really careful to not quote unquote fight around us. So I think right at the very end everyone saw we kind of hear in their bedroom they were louder than usual. They're not really yellers anyway, but again, we didn't know. And then I come down one day and dad's not cooking breakfast. Mom's there, she was supposed to be at work and I'm like where's dad? And she said oh, he went away and I occasionally have he had trips for work. And I said, oh, when's he coming back? And she said never. And I I mean my world just collapsed. So I think, where that feeling of everything can be going, great, and then it can just end and you won't be ready for it. Yeah.

Michelle: 15:51

Well, again, I'm so sorry about what happened with your father and I totally understand the feeling of sudden, unexpected loss because of losing my son, Sean. It can truly leave you with a heightened sense of being on alert, like a continual fight or flight mode, actually, if you allow it to, because once something so terrible happens, you have this realization that anything can happen at any time and it can be paralyzing. So when you come to the conclusion that you were starting to have those thoughts, what steps did you ultimately take to turn that way of thinking off?

Sue: 16:24

I have a rule of thumb, Michelle, that is never say what if, because what ifs get you in trouble. Secondly, as I once heard, god only gives you the grace to do what he's going to bring to you today and whatever comes tomorrow He'll give you the grace for that, but he hasn't given you the grace for that yet. That really spoke to me and I thought that's so true. And even as I look back at my life, it kind of gave me new lens to look back and see that I did have an amazing mother who helped me walk through those times. I did have the best doctor for cleft palate in the country, they say, who got me to a place where it's pretty unusual to look the way I do now with such severity. But I'm just saying that was a God thing. I think he got us through financially. Looking at the fact that I don't think God loves it when we have to split up in a marriage or anything. Yet I spoke with my parents, remarried amazing people and it was to all of our good. You know, even law. Even to this day it has such a positive impact on me. So you think that these things are catastrophic, but there's a loving God out there who loves you and he can work everything together for good. But to those who love Him are called according to purpose. It's a two-way street, right, and so he's going to love us regardless, but if we really want to enjoy His blessings, then we need to choose to worship Him and walk with Him. You know, and so I've the what ifs aren't an issue for me now, so don't go there. That's my advice and that's really helpful. Good.

Michelle: 18:37

But you did mention your mom and I know that she was a major blessing in your life and she was a nurse, but she also encouraged you and stood beside you all through your early years when you were struggling. But then, as you got into your ministry and started speaking and doing things, she was still your biggest cheerleader. In the later years of her life and you mentioned that she recently passed away, within the last year but what are those attributes of her character that had the greatest impact on your life and your self-esteem?

Sue: 19:12

Yeah, when my mom passed last year year and three months ago, I was just so touched that a lot of people came. But every person who came up to share all her grandchildren or a bunch of them and all of us kids, they all just said Mom had the gift of being present, her grandma had the gift of being present, she, whatever, no matter how busy she was, if you just dropped in because we would do without a warning, she would just put down whatever she was doing. We all be like, oh I'm sorry, you're in the middle of doing taxes or whatever. Right, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't worry about it, come on in. And she would just sit and listen as if she didn't have anything going on in the world in her life. And she was amazing at caring about whatever you were involved in and would ask she's a learner anyway, but would ask great questions and what is China like? What is it like to be out in the countryside there? Well, how did you get there? How'd you get home? It was just a beautiful thing where it didn't matter what you did, who you were, what you believed, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She cared and wanted to know about it and you had her 100% attention all the time and that's always felt in the hospital. That's why I was missing her this week, because I just wanted to sit with her, because I knew that she would care and ask great questions and remember about what I'm going through.

Michelle: 20:54

Well, that's really good. I love that. A mom that's present is so important. You know prioritizing their kids and loving them like God loves us. It just changes everything, doesn't it?

Sue: 21:08

Yeah, I just have to comment real quick on that because I was talking to somebody about they. Like I at one point did step down from the leadership position when I had younger kids and I said, because I was present, quote unquote with my son one day he's playing and everything. But I realized, the whole time I've been in here for an hour with him, I've been in my own world just thinking about work and I know I really have compassion for single mothers because it's so hard, or single fathers, but that's the challenge to us is to just engage from whatever our work is or whatever, and be 100% just present. And that's what mom could do.

Michelle: 21:55

Yeah, yeah, when you're there, be there. Okay, so let's fast forward to what you ended up doing as a result of going through so much adversity in life and coming to these grand conclusions about what beauty really is and what it means to be beautiful inside and out, and how your relationship with God changed you and prompted you to start this ministry called Crown of Beauty.

Sue: 22:23

So if you could just kind of summarize why you did start it and what's the mission of Crown of Beauty, what I was realizing and finding great change in my life when, even beyond saying a beautiful, it was that I was believing a lie about myself. If I look at what God's word says about me and you look to Michelle and every one of you listening, he says the most beautiful things about us. He says we're valuable, we're important, we're precious to him, we are enough. That he has all the strength we need, that he loves us no matter what, that we're 100% forgiven. There's not just second chances, but a million chances. That he never gives up on us. So he has died for us. He loves us so much that we will spend our entire eternity with him, adoring him and him adoring us. He delights in us. All these truths that the world or people around us or circumstances are mind. The enemy, who we unseen enemy, is trying to always pull us the other way and say the opposite. So I came to realize that I need to really know what truth is and it's in God's word. And truth about him, truth about me, truth about the world, and I have to put that over my feelings Now. At first you're just saying it by faith, but as you continue to say it, the scripture says renew your mind and it will bring transformation. In Romans 12 two. As I renew my mind in that new thought. And a lot of people say positivity, right, have to have positive thoughts, that's a part of it. But because God is very positive, but it's in power, it's one thing to just think a thought. It's another thing. When somebody who knows everything, who's all intelligent, all knowing, all beautiful, all kind, all all, all right, is the one who's saying that you're all these positive things. There's power in that, right. If somebody who's a creep tells me and I've had that happen somebody who's got wrong motives comes by and says oh baby, you're so gorgeous, right? Well, what does that mean? Nothing, his motive's not good, right. But if the God who has total, pure motives says that to me you are my precious daughter, who's so beautiful, who I love to just look at and you are the object of my delight, you make me feel happy today. What a beautiful thing to say. In fact, even in song of songs, you know, calls us his bride and his darling. You know all these beautiful words.

Michelle: 25:38

Well, thank you for those reminders, and it's so important to renew our mind daily with those thoughts. It's so easy to beat ourselves up on some days, but remembering how God sees us can make all the difference. And coming from you, someone who had to endure so much and had to struggle with not only the lies you were hearing in your own head, but the hateful comments that came from others about your appearance when you were growing up, that's what makes your words so powerful in my mind that you overcame those horrible thoughts and lies that were coming at you, and you want others to do the same. So what about someone who, like you, may have been raped or abused or feels unattractive and unlovable? What words of encouragement do you have for them?

Sue: 26:29

Yeah, we've all been through really hard things and I don't want to just slap on a bumper sticker. You know, hey, you're beautiful. I know the pain, I know the struggle. What I also want to add, though, is that when we do believe those lies, and again they go back to our childhood 99% of the time, there is a 1% where, if you could have, like, been so healthy and strong, and then you get into an abusive marriage that will just whittle you down to nothingness I've seen that so but majority goes back to childhood. And then what happens is we don't want to feel that way, I didn't want to feel ugly, so we put up defense mechanisms, we find ways to protect ourselves. So, the way that I know, after that rape, you know what I did I instantly started dressing horribly and eating, and eating, and eating one for comfort. And secondly, I wanna make sure no man ever looks at me again, cause I don't wanna get raped again. So we have these responses. So I guess what I wanna say is, I think, one we do need to go back to where the root of all that began. Secondly, how did we respond to that? To kind of protect our songs, because then what happens is we do things like I did to make things worse, right? So I started drinking, I started an eating disorder. I can't blame God for that. You know what I'm saying. I have to deal with that eating disorder. I have to deal with that drinking problem. How? By realizing that God doesn't want me to run to those things, to run to things outside of him, to fix my broken emotions First off. Secondly, then I need to bring my whole heart to him and let him begin to heal my heart. I can't just, you know, if I just go like then, if I just try to get rid of my eating disorder and that's all I deal with, well, then I'm just gonna. Even if I deal with it, I'm gonna turn you another ism. You know, alcoholism, eating disorders, another disorder. To cope, what I have to do is get to the root of that lie. Where did it begin? And then it can empower me to for my behaviors to begin to change as my behaviors change. For example, then I started dressing nicer. I started, you know, having nicer haircuts, you know. I started eating better, you know. And still I have to watch that Like I had kind of a stressful week and I'm definitely on a different health kick right now, eating really healthy food, and I was in drinking junkie food but I started overeating and I caught it. I get on the scale and that's like a okay trigger. We could look at those triggers and I looked and I was like, okay, I need to go back to my coach. I definitely suggest counseling. I definitely that really helped me. I have coach now, a health coach. That's really helping me. And I had to recognize and say, oh, there I go again, comforting myself Can I blame God? No, I have to blame me but at the same time realize that God is kind and patient.

Michelle: 30:13

That's really good, Thank you. It's so interesting how these things that have occurred in our lives can be triggers for unhealthy behaviors, and I love the way you made a conscious effort to take ownership for the part that you can control and start eating better and taking better care of yourself, versus turning to other vices to avoid the pain. It takes a lot of courage and discipline, but it's so important to do so. I have to say I'm amazed by what you're doing, how you're telling your story all over the world to people who need encouragement. I believe it's what many of us are called to do to comfort others with the comfort that we've received from God. As horrible as some of our circumstances may have been, God can use them for good if we cooperate with the plan right?

Sue: 31:02

Yes, for years I wanted God to take away my cleft palate. For years I was angry that I had to have that. But I have to tell you that if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be talking to you today. All of you wouldn't be listening to me today. I wouldn't be going to the hilltribs of the Keren people in Thailand riding 10 hours, 12 hours, up in a jeep into villages with no electricity, telling people my story, my mom's story, giving hope to women who never have a chance for that. Having an elder woman come up to me after with a translator, saying I was planning to commit suicide tonight, I was hopeless but I had to come here because the whole village came and they dragged me here. But I had the plan to go back and drown myself. But after hearing what your mom did in the face she had, I believe God can give me the faith to handle what I'm handling. I mean I have that happen to me all the time. That's why, when I came home from conferences and my mom would say to me, who have we helped today? What happened? That our journey together has changed women's lives literally around the world. But God sees you, he looks through that veil and he loves you so much. And even if your outer circumstances don't change which is the thing he said to me at that time your inner heart can 100% change and you can know that you're incredibly loved and precious. You see what I'm saying it's the inner beauty that changes our outer beauty.

Michelle: 32:46

Well, Sue, I so appreciate everything you had to share today. You reminded us that we shouldn't focus on what might happen in the future, that God will give us the grace we need for today, and we shouldn't worry about tomorrow, because it's not here yet. You talked about the power of love and having a loving support network, and encouraged parents to be present as much as they're able when they're spending time with their children. You shared your own feelings about not being acceptable and lovable, and you helped us to see that there are things that are within the realm of our control for positive change. You told us that God delights in us, that he says we're beautiful and valuable and that we're His precious children, and you realized that your struggles, as hard as they were, could be used as a platform to help others. Sue, in closing, how would you summarize the lessons you learned from your adversity and loss in life?

Sue: 33:46

Don't ask the what ifs. God only gives you the grace for what you need to have for today and seek to live according to truth above your feelings, not to negate feelings. You definitely wanna be honest with your feelings and bring them to God, but know that what is really is true is what he says, and find out what that is. Find out. I appreciate people, those of you listening who don't know God. I appreciate that you're here. You're so valuable, you're so special. You may not know Him, but he knows you. You may not know to love Him yet, but he loves you. I promise you that and if you can tap into that love, you can get through anything.

Michelle: 34:45

Thank you, Sue. That's so well said and that is the truth, isn't it? Yeah, Well, I'll put a link in the show notes to your website so that listeners can learn more about all the things you're doing in the area of ministry and your books and speaking engagements. And at this point, I just wanna say thank you so much for agreeing to come on the show. It was a pleasure having you here.

Sue: 35:07

Thank you, Michelle, thanks for having me.

Michelle: 35:11

So for those of you listening, your situation might be different, but the feelings might be the same. You may feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive, but I hope Sue's story encouraged you. She endured so much as a young child and then even more trauma in her college years, but she found hope and support in her friends, her mother and then in Jesus. She knows now that God can use all the things that happened to us in this life for good. Even though the circumstances may not be good, god is good. So don't lose hope, my friend. Reach out today to a friend, a counselor, a family member and make today the start of something new. It's my prayer that you'll be able to find the hope you need to make a positive change, like Sue did, and that one day you too will be able to help someone else with the lessons you learned and your loss. Thanks for listening, thank you.