Losing My Dad and Finding New Peace with Mom

Michelle:  Well, Hey everybody. And welcome back to Qualified - the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. In this episode, I'll talk with Lauri about the loss of her father and the far-reaching impact of his passing on her and other members of the family.

Welcome to Qualified Lauri.

Lauri:  Thank you. Nice to be here. 

Michelle: Well, Lauri, as you know, we talk about a lot of different kinds of loss, and overcoming adversity here on the podcast. And you and I both know that the death of loved ones can be especially traumatic and painful. And I know that your father passed away about four years ago and that his passing was a significant turning point in your life for many reasons. Was his death unexpected? 

Lauri:  Yes, it was.  My parents were both very healthy and my dad would ride his bike every day and we noticed some changes in him. And we found out that he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, which he chose not to do the treatment. And even with treatment, I think maybe the most you can get is about a year, but he realized it would be too hard on his body. So, he had about six months to live when we found out.

Michelle:  Lauri, we all know that not all father/daughter relationships are the same and some are better than others, but you've told me that you had a great relationship with your dad. Can you just take a minute and describe the bond that you guys had, and also break down for us, how such a happy and healthy father daughter relationship was established between you.

Lauri: Absolutely. So, I come from seven and I have two older brothers. So, I was the first girl born. There's four boys and three girls in our family. And I knew just from looking at pictures that my dad was ecstatic to have a girl. One of my favorite pictures is my dad holding me with a baseball hat on from his favorite team, Cincinnati Reds, and growing up I was a tomboy. I just, I always want it to be with my dad. And then around junior high, it gets a little awkward as we start developing.  Our relationship with our dad changes and being from the older generation I’m not sure they really knew how to connect, you know, because now I'm becoming a young lady and we drifted apart in my high school years, we were still close, but not like we were when I was growing up.

And I went away to Oklahoma with my sister for school and we would call home every Sunday afternoon and talk to mom and dad. And if we call during the week, dad answered the phone, he would say, hold on, let me get your mom. And I really started missing my relationship with my dad that I had when I was younger. And I started thinking about the fact that why, when I call do I always ask for my mom because she basically gets off the phone and tells my dad everything that we told her.   And so, I thought I'm going to talk to him just like I would talk to my mom and that's what I started doing.

And then when I moved back from Oklahoma, I moved back to my parents' home. And I looked for opportunities to have conversation with my dad and I was probably annoying, but I would just  ask him things and want to go places with him. And over time we developed a very, very close relationship again. And I think that the generation that my dad came from, they didn't really know how to express their emotions very well. And so the fact that I kept pushing and pushing and making him talk to me and asking him questions developed our relationship a lot more.

Michelle: So you took the initiative.

Lauri: I did. I did.  Because knowing my grandpa, my grandpa was very stoic, my dad's parents were both very hard workers, but not big communicators. So that's how my dad grew up. And. Yeah. It was a challenge at times to read my dad's emotions. And I think as he got older, which you see men start to soften and I started to see more emotions in my dad. And, especially when we started having kids and seeing him interact with our kids. And, there was definitely a shift in him.

Oh, so in high school, I was a swimmer and he would always come to our swim meets. I remember one time in particular looking over at the gym door and there was my dad in a full suit watching, you know, watching our swim, meet my sister and mine.

There was a time where I had to move home. I had moved away on my own and I had gotten into some financial trouble and he had reached out to me and encouraged me to move home and to go through kind of like a budgeting program. I can't remember what it was called, but something like Dave Ramsey where you learn to budget. And, and so he was very encouraging about that.  There were times when I, I was dating someone that he didn't approve of and I didn't know that. And then we had a conversation and he let me know where he was coming from.

So, you know, that was real important to me. I think the more that we developed a relationship, I think the easier it was for him to reach out to me, I had to have realistic expectations because. Of the way that he was raised in his childhood.  I think it was a learning process for both of us.

Michelle: So, can you share some of the emotions that you experienced following his passing and how you were able to manage that grieving period? 

Lauri:  That was tough when we found out that my dad was sick.  My parents were living in Arizona and I always knew and had a conversation with my husband that when my parents hit a certain age that being the oldest girl, I felt the responsibility of taking care of them. And it became apparent that mom and dad could not live by themselves. And my family that lived in Arizona were not in a position to help. So, we ended up moving both my mom and dad into our home and we have a small home. We have a three bedroom, two bath home, but we gave them our master bedroom that has a bathroom attached. And my mom at the time was also very ill. And so, we had both of them in hospital beds in our room. And every day we would take my dad out in the living room and he'd sit in a nice, easy chair in the corner and he was able to interact. But the emotions behind losing him. I had quite a few, I was disappointed that my kids didn't know him in a way that I had, and it wasn't until my girls saw me interacting with dad that they realized how close we were. So, because my parents lived in Arizona, we didn't have the convenience of having them at all the kids' events. And that, that was a hard emotion. I had to deal with that. And I had to let that go because that really was a deep desire of mine, that my kids would know their grandparents. I would say the other part was it was so quick. And by the time we found out. Dad only had about four months left to live.

So, he and my mom decided they weren't going to let us kids know right away. So that was also disappointing.  And I was frustrated that they moved to California now that they're sick and I had wanted them to come earlier. So, I had a lot of emotions. I was very sad because my dad is such a wonderful man with a great sense of humor and he just loves people and I just felt like there was such a loss, you know, that my kids won't really know him. I think that was my biggest disappointment. Yeah. 

Michelle:  So as hard as his passing was for you, then you needed to care for your mother because she was going through some declining health issues.  And so now you have her in the house, and that kind of had an emotional impact on you. Can you tell me about that? 

Lauri:  Yes. So, because I was very close to my dad, I would say my relationship with my mom was a little, it was strained. It was definitely strained.  You don't ever want to think that your parents have favorites, but she was very close to my sister and my older brother, and I always felt that dad had my back and mom not so much. So, the fact that my dad had passed and now I have my mom. I really struggled with that is like, why couldn't you take mom? You know, and leave dad, at least dad's like fun and easy going. My mom is an only child and she grew up the center of everyone's world. And so, she can be quite demanding. And even when both my parents were sick and they were living at our house mom would constantly ring her little bell to bring something. And it was like, oh my gosh, she's ringing her bell again. Whereas my dad, if he rang his bell, it was like, oh my gosh, we need to hurry. You know, because you know, dad needs something. So yes, when dad passed away, I probably wasn't in the best mindset to take care of my mom. And honestly, I thought both of them would pass away close to the same time and on days, especially when she was quite demanding, I really had to check my attitude, you know.  

I have learned over time that you can't always know the outcome of a situation. So, when we were presented with the care of my mom, I started out begrudgingly. And part of it was hurts from my childhood growing up and a sense of favoritism that I felt that she played towards several siblings. And during the time that she was at our house, we were able to have some pretty amazing conversations where I was able to ask her, you know, why, why did you favor this one and realize that a lot of times she wasn't even aware of it. And we were able to talk about my relationship with my dad and how that made her feel threatened. And I realized that there were things in my mom and my relationship that were not true, but because of circumstances, I thought they were, if that makes sense and. Because she lived with that's another year and a half. We were able to have these great conversations. We were able to ask for forgiveness. We were able to pray together and really start to build a healthy relationship. And if you would've asked me at the beginning after dad died, if I would have thought that would have happened, I would have told you there's no way, but my willingness to still care for mom allowed that to happen.

And, I began to consider her, like, I would one of my kids. Like it was my responsibility to take care of her. And what would dad say? And you know, if she went to the doctor's appointments, I was there. I was making sure that they were taking good care of her. And I don't know if I would have invested wholeheartedly if God hadn't healed that relationship between us, which then goes back to the fact my dad had passed away, which before I would say he was a bridge between my mother and I, and now he was gone and we had to learn to connect to on our own. And that was a good thing.

Michelle:  His death was sort of the bridge between you now.

Lauri: Exactly, exactly. And who would have thought, because when you lose someone it's very hard to see the positive in that, because we're overwhelmed with our grief and our sense of, you know, why did this happen? And I thought this was going to happen. And it's, you know, it's really letting go of a lot of expectations and dreams that we had, but having gone through that and seeing the beauty of it came out of it, I'm grateful.

Michelle:  You really had some expert communication skills  and  you took the initiative with your dad and you were the one to  draw it out of him, acknowledging what he had been through and knowing that generation  doesn't operate that way. And then, when your mom was in that position, you could have just let things go. And you didn't, you, you got introspective and she was willing, right. She was willing to finally respond that way. And so, you played a huge part in that as well.

Lauri:  Well, I think communication is huge. And even when there's hurt in the situation, it is hard to say to that person, you know, you hurt me and for them to acknowledge it. It really takes responsibility on both people's part. And I'm grateful. I mean, I could have reached out to her and she could have not responded that way, which then that is hurtful. And you think, why am I reaching out? But I would say that growing up in a house where communication was important and. We're very tight as siblings. It was always about our family and making sure that we pursued relationships in our family. And we were not allowed to not communicate with our siblings. If there was ever a disagreement, it was our parents that were sitting down. You need to talk this out, love and forgiveness. 

Michelle: And communication builds that intimacy 

Lauri:  Exactly the beginning of it all. So, yeah

Michelle:  I think it's amazing that she was open to it.  And you talked before about, the misunderstandings and the things that you believe to be true that actually weren't true. And that could have gone on for any length of time too, but communication opened all of that up. Right?

Lauri:   Well, and being a parent, I understand how we can say something in innocence and then it's taken incorrectly and I'll give you a great example. I have a sister that is 21 months younger than me and growing up, I just thought she was absolutely beautiful. And I was very threatened by that. And I remember saying to my mom, why do all the boys like her and not me? And my mom said. They just need to get to know you and then, and then they'll like you. So, in my little immature mind, I thought, well, she's the pretty one and I'm the one with the personality and I'll be funny and then they will like me.  That was never my mom's intent. She was just trying to make me feel better. But see, that's something that all those years I felt compared to my sister. Which was never my mom's intent. And I even brought that up to her.

Michelle:   And that got clarified by her?

Lauri:  absolutely, and it made her so sad that all those years, that's what I thought. 

Michelle:  What's interesting that they raised you to prioritize communication. And yet that was there in the communication between the two of you. So that's interesting.  Yeah, I know that after my son, Sean passed away, I remember hearing or reading somewhere that the depth of your pain will always be equal to the depth of your love. And so, I know that's true and that's the cost of loving someone deeply. And so, when we're adults, at some point, we know that we'll lose mom and dad in the natural order of things, but because you loved them deeply I know that the sting was there when they both were ultimately gone. So can you share some of the lessons that you learned from the loss of both of your parents that might help other people who are grieving this kind of pain right now?

Lauri:  Yeah. Well, there's a couple of things I learned.  Definitely learned that it's not worth hanging on to the hurts and bitterness that I had in my heart. And, it really could have robbed the sweet time that I had with my mom. So, she passed away a year ago and I was with her all the way to the end when she took her last breath, which was so sweet. And I'm so grateful for that.

And I do miss them. I miss them a lot. I miss the fact that when my girls get married, my parents, aren't going to be able to see that.  And when my girls have children, but I also have realized that there are people around us that, that need our love and care, and I'm very drawn to people, I love talking to elderly people. And even when my mom, she was in a home the last year and a half that she was alive and I would go in and I would talk to some of these elderly people who had nobody to come visit. And after mom passed away, it was so therapeutic for me. I wrote thank you notes to the different people at the facility and the doctors and nurses at the hospital.

And I've connected with older women at church who I just adore and that has helped too.  Nothing will replace that, but it helps ease the pain. And there's one lady at our church that would visit my mom every week and she would bring her flowers. And, I remember our family was in an accident on the road.

And I called her, like, I would call my mom and I just started sobbing. And I just, I was so grateful to have that relationship in my life. And what I would say to someone that has lost someone close to them. It's okay to grieve. It's okay. To grieve for a while. But you have so much more to offer and there's people around you that could use your love and your interaction.

And, whether it's a child or a sister or a parent or a grandparent, we don't realize how many  people around us really need to be touched, I think the big part of the lesson that I've learned in whether it's just, you know, walking outside and you see a cute little old man who, you know, there's times it just, I just think, oh my gosh, that reminds me of my dad and I'll get all teary-eyed, but just giving him a smile and saying, Hey, how's your day? You know, it does me good. And it does him good. So that's, that's been one way that I've been able to. Work around that. Yeah. 

Michelle:  That's very good. It's interesting how God brings people into our lives to kind of fill the various voids like that. And I think that's wonderful that you reached out and called your friend and that she was there for you.

Lauri:  Well, at mom's Memorial, I shared the story about how I was like, really God, you left me with mom and took dad?  And one of my nieces reached out to me and said, thank you for sharing that because she was in conflict with a family member. And she said that is encouraging me to reach out and mend that relationship. I thought that was amazing.

Michelle: Laurie, when you told me this story to begin with, the reason I thought it would be so impactful on the podcast is I know that there are people that struggle with the loss of their parents or even, the relationship problems like you described with your mom. And we often hear people say, you know, you gotta fix it, that you never know what might happen. They may might be gone tomorrow.  And it is important, I think, to fix it, but fix it the way you did with your mom, the quality discussion and the communication, not just get together for the sake of saying I was there, when they died, but you don't want to miss out on that deep relationship that you described as being so sweet, those last moments, because that's, that's how it should be.

Lauri:  Well, and it's a matter of time. It wasn't just like one day it was horrible. And then the next day it wasn't, it was those small moments of building, a relationship with my mom that wasn't there. And that's what I would say to encourage people. Don't think that overnight things are going to change.  Maybe it's just a little step of, Hey, let's, you know, go for a walk or can I come over and have a cup of tea or a cup of coffee, but just little steps can be taken that can start to heal that relationship. 

Michelle:  That's wonderful. Well, thank you, Lori, for openly sharing your emotions, as well as the beautiful insights that you gained during this difficult time in your life.

And for those of you listening, that might also be grieving. The loss of someone you love.  We hope that you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone and that you too can move forward with hope following deep loss.

And as always, I appreciate your feedback, so send me an email at callmequalified@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks for listening.