Losing my son and finding hope

Well, hey there, and welcome back to the show my friend. You're listening to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton, and I'm so glad you're here. Well, it's November already, and the holidays will be upon us soon. And for those grieving losses, this can be an especially difficult time of the year. So let's take a little timeout today and replace any sadness or negative thoughts with positivity and hope. I know my guest today will help us get there. She has been through great adversity in her life. Having lost her 19 year old son suddenly and under tragic circumstances. She not only survived a parent's worst nightmare, but she got back up, regained her strength and created a virtual grief support group that she currently facilitates to help other grieving people. She's also a speaker and an author who just released her first book, grief to hope in which she shares her story, and provides incredible inspiration to the reader. Her name is Hope Reger. And it's my great privilege to have her as my guest today. Welcome to Qualified Hope.

Thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.

Great. Hope,I know your story is a painful one. So thank you so much for agreeing to talk about it with us today. Can you start by telling us what happened that led to your son Justin's passing?

Absolutely. So in 2015, I decided to take a leap of faith and try a new job in a new role. In a new study, I had just gone through divorce with my first husband, and I was ready for change. So I moved from my hometown from Xenia, Ohio to Columbus, Ohio. And Justin at the time was 18. And then my older son had started building his life. And so he had got his own home and building his family. And so Justin, as a typical 18 year old was like, Mom, I don't want to leave my friends. So he went back and forth between me and his friends staying with them. He'd stay with mom when he needed food and comfort. But he also knew that meant getting a job, and working and doing chores, that while staying with friends, it was sort of like a vacation so he teetered back and forth from that. Then in September of 2016, he decided he was going to find a roommate in our hometown. So he met up with a friend of a friend that was looking for a roommate and then it ended up being three gentlemen sharing a house. And so I never met these gentlemen, and I never knew who they were. But Justin was so excited to have his own place his own livelihood, he was gonna get it, you know, a really steady job work real hard. And I was proud of him. I was like, Okay, you're on your own. You're 19. Now you're, you're doing you. So a couple months, we talked every day. And sometimes it was Mom, I need money. And sometimes it was mom, I just needed to talk. But we talked pretty much every single day. And so on November 17. At 630 in the morning, I got a knock on the door. And it was a pounding. It wasn't really a knock on the door. And at the time I lived in a condo, so I was upstairs. And I thought, No, this can't be good, right? And so I looked down and there's two police officers standing there. And I thought to myself, the first thing that I thought of was what is that child done? Yeah, I don't know why that thought. But I was thinking it couldn't be something horrible. It just had to be like, Oh, Justin's done something crazy. He doesn't know how to get a hold of me. He's lost his phone. Yeah, everything was going through my mind as I'm walking down the stairs. So I answered this door, and they asked me if I'm Justin's mom. And I was like, Yeah. Then they asked me if I could call a number and a name that they had given me on a piece of paper, like a post it note. And I was like, Well, do you know what this is about? And they're like, No, we don't know what this is about. You just need to call them they've been trying to reach you. Well, of course, my thought is, if it did something serious, they would tell you like you see on TV, see in the movies, you see that? And they acted like they didn't know what it was about. So I called and the person on the line said Greene County Coroner. Oh my gosh. And so I of course as a mother was like What? And I said, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number I literally said this. I, I was given this name by a police officer. I live in Columbus. And he was like, Are you Justin's mother? I said, Yes. And he said, I'm so sorry to do this over the phone he said Justin has passed. And, I said what are you talking about? I just need to get to him and fix it. Whatever's going on. Let's just fix it. Tell me where he is, you know, and he was like, I'm so so sorry. And you could just tell he was devastated. And he had to tell his mother. But he was like, I'm just really, really sorry to have to do this over the phone. And I was like, Where is he at? Like Hope he's at the morgue. He got into an altercation with his roommate. They started yelling at each other back and forth. And then it led to physical fighting, which led to the gentleman pulled a gun, put it to his chest shot and killed him. Now, Justin didn't have any guns or weapons. He said he felt fear of his life, because Justin had him up against a wall. And so he, you know, he admitted to it. He was arrested that night. But I was like, I This can't be real. And I just kept asking him. Where is he? And he just told me he's at the morgue. And you're gonna have to get a hold of the funeral home to to be able to see him because of the pending investigation. Oh, my gosh, oh, that was it. And that's when my whole world up to that point completely changed,

of course.And I'm so sorry, Hope. You must have experienced so many different emotions because of the way Justin's life was taken. Can you talk about how you felt at that time and your feelings about the other people involved?

So angry as hell Frustrated with God I'm like, Why didnt God intervene? Why? Why does he intervene in some circumstances and doesn't intervene in others? And why did he choose Justin, I was upset, I was frustrated. I didn't know what exactly happened, what led up to it. And reading papers and news, up until then, because it was all over the news was like, there was a struggle for the gun. There wasn't a struggle for the guy. And there was, you know, just all different kinds of things. I was so frustrated and angry and mad. I was just like, I don't know, how to react. Something's so tragic that I never had happened in my life before. But I had just complete utter hatred and anger. And then three to four months later, the guy files self defense, because Justin had him up against a wall. And so he was never indicted for murder. So I, of course, felt like on top of that, like what happened was unjustifiable. But then on top of that, he was not going to pay for that. So I was so angry, of course, growing angry.

So losing the child, as we both know, firsthand is as bad as it gets. So can you tell us a little bit about what your grief looked like back then and how you began to process it?

it. It was fog. And I know that everybody will get this picture is like candle, wax melting. Everything sort is happening, that funeral, the meal, the crying that everything sort of just melted together as the way that I can describe it. I really don't even know how I functioned. Even just getting up and getting in the shower or talking to people, I just You have no idea like, until you're in there that what that function is it's almost autopilot, but in a different way. Like if you're sick, you're on autopilot kind of thing. But when you're in green autopilot, it really starts taking over your full tire thinking your minds everything. So I was looking at my work offered grief counseling. So I started going to a counselor. And I remember walking in to this counselor, she's this little blonde that I had coats older than and I was like, What is he going to teach me Right? And so she was the biggest blessing because she got me started with GriefShare, which was a Christian based group. And I was mad at God, right? I couldn't understand why he took Justin and why he did it to me, and we were good people, right? And she was like, just, it's just trusting. And I was very uneducated about that at the time. And I'm still very uneducated about God. But that was probably one of the best things that I ever did was to walk through those doors to what was concrete here. And it really wasn't about grief share workbook was being around other people that were feeling the same pain that I was feeling.

Yeah, it's comforting. Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah.Well, I'm so glad you found GriefShare, and that you gave it a chance and ultimately found comfort in talking with the other people there. But you said you were angry at God, which I completely get. How were you able to overcome that?

So one of the things when I walked through that church, I was very hateful, and I had a chip on my shoulder, and I remember walking, arms crossed, like thinking, I don't know what you're gonna say to me or make me feel better. But whatever, give it your best shot, right? And this beautiful lady named Emily, she comes out and she asked me my name, and I told her my name. And she said, I'm so glad you're here. Now. I'm like, whatever, right? You know, I'm angry. And I'm in this church, and I'm walking down this hallway, and there's nothing but little children's artwork. And I'm like, How can I be mad and this kind of situation, right? So we get down to this long hallway, and she says, I'll be right back. We'll check if the who's all coming. And so I said, Okay, so I'm sitting in there in this little tiny chairs, right, like these little beautiful chairs. And then I start weeping. Because I'm thinking, Yeah, my son and kindergarten, and all these beautiful pictures and those kinds of things. And she comes back, and she says, Hope nobody else is coming. And I'm like, Oh, no. So I'm thinking to myself, she's gonna find out one, how mad I am to that I'm very uneducated about God. And I've got to tell this woman, you know how I'm gonna do this. Right? Well, and I just told her, I said, Emily, I am so mad at God right now. I'm so angry. And she said he would couldn't imagine you not. And right. Then when she said that, I was like, He's okay with me being angry. He's okay with that. And she said, Absolutely, absolutely. He's okay. And so then my, my shoulders began to soften a little bit. And I started to listen to her. And one of the questions I said, was, Emily, I can't I can't cry 24/7. And I think I'm doing this grief thing wrong. And she said, there's, there's no wrong way to do grief. But I, so I went to that grief group, she asked me to come back. So I went back. And then I went back, and there was more people. And then I kept going back. And I spent 13 weeks in this beautiful group learning about God's learning about all the things that I thought were the right way or the wrong way of grief was more like, just go through it. Be in trust God. So one of the things that happen, I'm leaving this grief share group when I am angry still, like, I'm still frustrated, and I say out loud. God, why? What do you want? For? What? What is this purpose? Why are you Why did you take Justin, why are you leading me to this grief group? Why are you, you know, wanting me to know more about you? What is all of this about? And I heard the words Michelle. I'm not kidding. And the radio in my head, I don't know where the words came from. But I've heard the words be kind. Just be kind. And I said, What? What does that mean? You want me to be kind? What does that mean? Like? Does that mean just be kind to others? And that's my purpose. I'm like, what does that mean? And so over the course of the next few months, I volunteered and that helped. And I went through grief groups, and a shared and I have this one story where I'm enlightened or paying it forward, and the cashiers name was Johnson, and I'm just like, blown away. And so I was learning that being kind not only meant to other people that made me feel good. That sort of took that little light of pain away, was also I need to start being kind of myself. Yeah. And when that happened, where the grand jury wasn't going to be indicted, I figured out that God knew I couldn't keep prolonging my grief. And then it was a closure. And that, as you know, trials and tribulations, they go on and on and on. But then that's when I knew that I had something bigger in mind, than going through this trial, and reliving this over and over again, and building that hatred, that I had to take all that negative energy, and I had to put it in kindness and joy, to share not just in general with my family, but with others that I need it. And also I had to forgive. I had to forgive that person rent took my son's life, because he didn't care about me. He wasn't thinking what's he doing? He wasn't even thinking about what Justin's doing. I think that's where it all started was just those two words.

That's amazing that you are at a point where you are now able to communicate with God about your real emotions, and also that you were able to consider forgiveness. That's huge. So what happened next? How did you decide that you would use your experience to help other people?

So over the years, I've always wanted to like write a book blog, I didn't know how to get that message out, because I believe sharing your story is so powerful. So COVID, hit in 2020. And we were all on Zoom. And I was like, How can I reach people that are going through this horrific pandemic, that are losing people, they're dropping people off at the hospitals, they're not seeing them again, and they're not making it just put another level on grief. And I was like, I've got to do something. This is the time. And so I prayed. And I asked God, I was like, Hey, give me the words help me, what choice should I do. And I remember, just writing all these words down. And grief to hope was sort of born in that. And it's a seven week program. And we do it for one hour each week, I've done seven sessions, I started a new session in January. But it's really it's open to anyone that's grieving, no matter when their grief is 13 years, 30 years, three days, any type. And what I mean by time I say variety, like anything that's, that's it could be your parents, it could be grandma, it could be mom, it could be son, it could be anybody. And we respect that in our group, we always respect that. And so the first week is basically an introduction, sort of like my story. And I allow people to introduce themselves and tell their story that they feel comfortable doing. So it's all done virtually on Zoom. So you could do it in your pajamas. And then weeks two through five, we spell out the word grief. And G is for gifted time we talk about how time helps or harms ours for received help. How do you ask for help? How do you you know, if you're not getting help? How do you ask eyes for inspiration, which usually doesn't go with grief, but I find that you have to have something that gets you out of bed each morning, you have to find that inspiration, whatever big, small, little, huge, whatever it is. And then E is expectations. We talk about, you know what people expect of us what we expect from people. Because even though we're in grief, sometimes our expectations aren't met. And then we have this frustration with he should have known better kind of thing. And then f is feel everything. And that's basically we have like a bring pictures, say their name, share stories, what's their favorite pizza topping? What's their favorite TV show? What would they be doing? And it's yeah, it's amazing. And then the last session is to vote. And that's basically, what do you want to do now? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do, and it may be something as I just want to go through their things, or I want to literally walk up to their grave versus just sitting in the car. And so one of the greatest outcomes just, we built this community, and we invite anybody in everyone. And even though it's only seven weeks, many of my participants come back program after program after program just to be around and share their story because it's so powerful. And we have a lot, a lot of information to provide.

I think it's so awesome that you're helping people through those hard milestones and difficult transitions like going through their personal belongings, cleaning out their rooms and walking up to their graves. No one likes to talk about that stuff. And you and I know that it's our reality. So thank you for creating a space for Grievers to talk about what I call the sacred things that sadly, only we know about. I talked about this fall season we're in now in the intro. And I know Justin passed away on November 17th, just before Thanksgiving, and we're in November now. Hope does this season trigger any intense emotions for you? And how do you deal with them?

So the first thing is giving. I didn't get out of bed. It was like a week after Justin passed Christmas. I didn't bring a tree up. But then and then His birthday was February so then I was like okay, we need to celebrate life and then I ended up as I did for the funeral started taking care of everyone else. And like the gave him his birthday. Instead of being all about him, and sharing, and we did share stories and things like that. I felt like I spent the whole day comforting others, which was not what I wanted this to be. And so I think this time, November through February is probably the hardest emotionally. But I try to put it in perspective that I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do. I'm not going to continue traditions just because there are traditions, because I think you feel almost guilty if you don't do those traditions, within the guilt worse when you feel terrible, and it's not the way you wanted to spend the day . No, I think one of the hardest things is you have to really, and I just really started just last year, I think it was last year, for the first time, I went for a walk in a city that he loves. And then I ate the food that he loved, and just did things that was good times. And and like this year, my plans are to decorate his grave for Christmas, and just do what I want to do and not be forced into those traditions. Because I'll be honest with you, it's not. It's not hohoho Merry Christmas. And everything is the same because it's completely changed. And some of the times when you're around family I know. You know the many people experiences. Nobody wants to talk about it. Nobody wants to talk about what happened. Nobody wants to talk about Justin when I'm in the complete opposite. I'm like, do you remember that Christmas when Justin did this? Or when or when Thanksgiving was this or that birthday party? And so when you're around people, and it's sometimes it's you're asked to be forgiving, but it's hard because you feel like, I want to talk about him, but they're like not uh, you know, bring the holidays down low, right? And I'm like, that's not what I'm trying to juggle. I'm trying to make it better, right? It's a hard time.

Yeah, I would say to those who are wondering what to say to a Griever. During this time, it's okay to say their names and share stories about them. We want to talk about our kids. So hope having been through such a difficult loss. What are the big life lessons you learned that you can share with another bereaved parent or other Griever today to give them hope?

Yeah, the first big lesson, and this was huge for me was that time doesn't stop. I can't buy time. And I always felt like it was never going to something like that would never happen to me. But on top of that always said that one day, one day, I'll do this one day, I'll do that. And one of the biggest life lessons that I've learned from Justin, it has to be day one. It can't be one day, it has to be day one. And so that's the way I try to live my life. Like, I'm not waiting for Monday, I'm not waiting for next year, today is when it's going to happen. And sometimes it may be a small leap. But today is going to start whatever I imagine changing. And so sometimes it's like, you know what, I'm having a really bad day. Well, tomorrow is day one, not next week, not well, if I'm sad, I make it a day. So if I'm having a really bad day, I'm making a day versus a week, a month, a year, since that's one of the thing and then I heard this quote, one time. So the second lesson is what will my dashing, you've two days, and then you have that dash in the middle. So I'm only gonna live and Justin only lived it, we have that little dash that that has to, you know, tell your story. And so that's what I'm doing. I'm building a legacy for me and Justin, and I'm sharing our story. And I'll tell it as many times as, as possible to someone that may need to hear it. Because I don't know who that is. And I want to honor my son by helping and supporting others and let grieving parents know that use this devastation as fuel for your determination. And I know in the midst of this, it's not that way. But trust me that like Justin is my number one fan. He's up there rooting me on and I have to live for both of us now. So I have to live my life and I have to honor him by living with inspiration and hope and commitment to never waste a single moment of telling my story and sharing it because it could touch so many people but then you can also inspire so many because that's The whole point of grief to hope is to let people know that it's horrible, and it's awful. And grief is not fine. And I get it, and I understand it, and it's raw and in your face. But there comes a point in your time where you can change that soakers into something that you'll find is meaningful and honoring. And that I promise you will help you heal, I promise and well, they'll be patients. And also focus on something that you think would be meaningful for them. So you're honoring them in whatever way shape or form that airs allow that to come through awesome, never regret. And so I tell that to everybody that I talked to you like if he said, What if I would have answered the phone? Because Justin called me that night? And I didn't answer the phone. I was on my way to the movies. And I thought he needs money or something, whatever. And I said, if it's important to have on your back, and he never did. And so I told like everybody, what if I would have answered that call? What if I would have done this? What if I went? So what if I would have answered that call, and we got into an argument, we said something nasty, and that would have been the last conversation I had with him. Even though there may have been circumstances where we didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I felt like when I gave my eulogy, and talking to him on a day to day, that's my that's that was my way of saying goodbye was the eulogy. But just that every day conversation, you know that I talk to you about the grave, or just in general, that what is are powerful, but don't ever regret anything and take chances and live. And I know that when you lose a child, that that can force you sometimes to go into that darkness and stay there. But one of the things that I've learned is that it helps me to keep moving forward and to keep finding that that's something that honors my son in a way that just brings light and hope and joy to me that I never thought I'd experience ever again.

I'm so glad that you decided to use your experience to help other people with your support group. And in writing your book. If listeners want to attend the group or get a copy of your book, where can they go to get more information.

So you can find all of the information on www.grief2hopesupport.com that has a link to our series, you can ask me, you can email me through that website. If you have any questions or concerns about the series, how it works. It also talks about the series and what we go through. It has a link to my book, which is grief to help you can get through Amazon, which is sort of my memoir that talks all the way from the beginning to where I am today. And that can be found on the website as well as a beautiful picture of my son. And a little bio of him is on that website as well. So you know how we love to talk about our kids and showcase them. So I

Hope you've shared so many good lessons with us today that you could have only learned through Justin's passing. You're such a strong and resilient person. And I love your attitude and determination to pay kindness forward, like you said. So I just want to say thank you for agreeing to come on the podcast and share this important message.

It's been my pleasure. And please please reach out for anything that I can help with them in future.

Thanks again. So for those of you listening, I hope you're inspired by hearing this story. Hope had to endure such a painful loss. But she found the lessons to be learned and the beauty in sharing them with us so that we can realize that we too can overcome our losses. During this holiday season, I pray that you too will be strengthened by knowing that you're not alone in your grief. With faith and love. You too can overcome emerge stronger. And one day you too will be able to help someone else with the lessons you learned in your loss. Thanks for listening