Moving forward after the death of a child

Hey everybody and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. The loss of a child is like no other. Grieving your child can make you feel so isolated and misunderstood. You can be in a room filled with people and feel completely alone, and the condolences from other parents almost always seem to include I can't even imagine what you're going through. In truer words, we're never spoken. They can't imagine, nor would you want them to, nor would you want anyone to ever have to experience the pain that cuts so deep that you're not sure how you'll make it through today or tomorrow. But for me, there was comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only mom that lost a teenager. I wasn't the only mother who would ever have to wake up each day and face a reality that my sweet son is no longer on this earth with me. I could talk with other parents who experienced loss and who've managed to move forward in life with a new story to tell, not just a story of tragedy and loss, but one of hope and strength. Well, my guest today is one of those inspirational moms. Already a storyteller by trade. She's an author of contemporary Christian fiction for women, with six published novels, a collection of short stories and a deeply moving and highly insightful reflective section on her website that she refers to as ramblings. But her world changed forever just before Thanksgiving in 2020, in the midst of a global pandemic, when her 17-year-old daughter passed away. Her name is K.L. Gilchrist and it's my honor to have her as my guest on the show today. Welcome to Qualified K.L.

Hi, Michelle. Thank you so much for having me.

I appreciate you, of course, of course. Well, i'm deeply sorry for the loss of your daughter, jordan, and I mentioned that her passing occurred in the middle of what was already a difficult time for many people. Can you tell us about the circumstances that surrounded Jordan's passing?

Sure, like you said, it was shortly before Thanksgiving 2020, and my daughter chose to end her own life. It was during schools were homeschooling at the time, so, although Jordan was around us all day long while she was going online taking classes and everything, she would usually take her classes and then at the end of class she would kind of go for a rest and we would all meet up at the dinner table at dinner, but she didn't come down that day and we had no idea that she had chosen to end her own life. It wasn't something that she had left a lot of clues or anything, and we didn't know what she was struggling with or why. It was just something that she chose And it just it changed the trajectory of the rest of our lives My myself, my husband, my son and my daughter. Life really hasn't been the same. We're walking around with pieces of our heart ripped out.

First of all, i'm so sorry for that. I mean, that must have just been so devastating, and especially sudden death. We talked about losing our children suddenly, and so we're totally unprepared. So tell us about those early days and go back to those days right away afterwards. How did you manage to hold it together for the sake of your family, even though you were completely crushed by this?

I think that I like to refer to that time and all the days after really as my real footprints in the sand, moments where I'm a person of faith or God just kind of picked me up and carried me through, because I know I didn't have anything inside of me to deal with that level of shock and trauma and just utter sadness and confusion. But somehow I woke up every morning and it was one day at a time, just kind of knowing OK, well, this isn't something that we were chosen and we're devastated, but we'll do what the next best thing is to do. So let our family know, let our friends know and honor her the best way that we could, and just kind of lean on him. Lean on him more, lean on God more. I would say, yeah, that's key, isn't?

it. Well, i mentioned in the opening that you're an author and that you already had established yourself in that profession, with a number of published fiction books under your belt before Jordan's passing. But I read through the rambling section on your website and I noticed that you've continued to write more personal entries that document the emotions you experience following her death, and in one entry I recall reading about how, only seven days after losing Jordan, you went to bed and whispered to God if you want me to stay, give me another day. If there is no reason for me to be here, cut my oxygen tonight and bring me home to you. Can you talk about that time in your life and then that decision that followed?

Absolutely. It was the darkest time of my entire life. I have been through things before. I lost my father, i lost my grandparents, but I felt like I was at the bottom of a well And I had this moment. I have a little bench in front of my bed where I just kind of lean and pray before I go to bed each night, and that was where I met with the Lord And I said OK, lord, i am in the dark and I can't see how I'm going to feel happy ever again. It wasn't even how about how I felt. I wasn't sure how I would be as someone who lost a child suddenly in that way, even though no matter how we lose our children, it's devastating. But there was just so much confusion. I then I felt like, well, god is in control of my every step. Therefore, if he wanted to end the pain and the darkness that I feel, he could. So I literally was like there's nothing else for me to do and lay down. But when I got up that next morning and the sunlight was coming through my window, i felt like, right, then I had gotten my answer There's more for me to do, there's more for me to be here for. And he brought to mind my younger daughter, my older son, my relationship with my husband which, thank goodness, is an extremely good relationship And I'm very, very blessed to have that And my writing career and other people. I'm here for my own mother and everything, and that I am not done. And so, even though it's going to be painful, i kind of saw myself visually. It was like sliding downhill and being in this valley, but that next morning I got up and it was almost like standing up in the middle of the valley and looking and seeing sunshine coming over the peaks. I'm still in there, but I can see sunshine. And it's like he was telling me every day is going to be a journey, but I'm going to be with you, holding your hand during this journey and walk each day, one day at a time. And so I started from that moment on, just walking one day at a time.

Good for you, K. L. That requires a ton of strength And you know, as I was reading through your blog, i talked about how you put all those emotions out there, and I think it's wonderful that you do that, because I think your openness right now also helps people, because I know there'll be people listening who are in that place in those early days, like you and I were, and we need them to know that they're not alone and they can wake up tomorrow and put one foot in front of the other. So thank you for sharing that. I know it's painful, but that was sort of the reason I wanted to bring that out, because you powered through it with God's help. Yes, absolutely. And you also wrote at another place. In your ramblings You said my relationship with my teenage daughter was so precious and so personal. No one else, not even my husband, could understand that death had ripped out a piece of my heart. Do you remember when you spoke those words and why you felt that way?

Oh, absolutely. I love all my kids equally. No one is better than the other. but Jordan was definitely my easygoing kid who was just kind of right beside me and everything I used to say my oldest son is I can't hang out with my oldest son because he's too moody. And my youngest child, who I nicknamed crazy I talk about her sometimes in the dedication to my books is she's too manic, she's all over the place. But Jordan was my mellow girl And she wasn't just my daughter, she was my friend. She was a lot of times we'd go shopping, we'd go to like the makeup shops together and we would talk about things And she was very much my close friend. I am an introvert so very, very close friendships are hard to come by. A lot of authors are introverts, so I don't feel bad saying that It takes a lot to concentrate on do what we do as authors. So being somebody who's usually easy is very easy for me to focus. But it's hard for me to strike up new relationships. Jordan was kind of my in-house girl that I just it was just a joy to have her around Ever since she was just very little, just very special to me, and so I felt like I wasn't just took more than a child. For me It was like this is someone who is a very, very special role, very special role, and she can't be replaced. But I do have my memories and I. she won't be replaced, but I've learned to appreciate the other people in my lives and tell them that I love them and tell them how much I appreciate them Every day. I'm a little I'm very methodical about it now, like I don't like to go too many days about telling my mom I love her without telling, texting my friends, texting my older son I love you, mom loves you. Not because I'm super suspicious that something's going to happen to them, but just I always want them to know. Yeah, a deeper appreciation of what love means. Yeah, they get that relationship that you had with her.

That's why I think it's so wrong, i guess, for any of us to say I know what you're going through when someone loses a loved one, because we don't know exactly what they're going through. No, no We know what it feels to have lost, but the relationship and the deepness of the relationship that you had with that person really dictates the level of pain that you have when you lose them. It does?

Yeah, it does. I've talked with people I've gone to like minister groups, like ReefShare, which was a great help to me, and I've heard people talk about different types of death losing spouses and aunts, uncles, grandparents, and it's always very sad sounding, It's always very tragic. But people also talked about having deaths for people who were blood relatives but they weren't that close to them. I remember hearing a lady talk about having a father who had been in prison her whole life And then when he passed away, she didn't feel much of anything. It just was like one of those notations or like lifetime milestones, but it wasn't anything that rocked her. So when you have a deep relationship with someone and it's a walking with them type of relationship, their transition, their passing is it knocks you on your back, just knocks you. I know you went through that when you lost your child. It just knocks you And you're looking up like, oh my gosh, oh, oh, yeah.

Yeah, people liken it to losing the limb. You know where you feel it. You constantly look to see where that arm was or that leg was, and it's not there, but you learn eventually to live without it.

Yes, yes, exactly that. That's very much how it feels.

Yeah, but you still miss, it right You?

still miss it. but you're walking through without that limb, but you remember when you had it, And a day doesn't go by.

Right. Well, hey, when we talked before, you shared that there was a time when a coworker asked you if you'd be willing to talk to someone who they knew who had also recently lost a child. How did you feel about being asked And, if you don't mind, can you tell us how that conversation went?

Oh, sure, i felt honored, first of all, that they thought that I was centered, calm enough to actually talk to someone and that I could talk to them maturely, and I felt like, oh well, okay, well, part of the reason why I am still here and God did not take me home is to be able to talk to other people and reassure them that they will get through it, whether they're a person of faith or not a person of faith, but I do always share my faith when I talk with them. I talked with this young woman and she was only maybe a few weeks away from her child passing and she cried a lot And I just remember feeling good, being there for her and being able to listen, because I know I needed that person to could just listen right away And I wanted to be there for her and I was glad I was able to be there for her and hear her talk about you and just kind of cry out her anguish and her tears and everything she felt about her child. And I was glad to just kind of be a tool and God's tool built and reassure her that she would get through each day, one day at a time.

And then there's that scripture in 2 Corinthians that talks about us comforting others with the comfort that we receive from God. So it's actually scripture. All that doesn't make the pain less, but it kind of gives us purpose in the pain.

Yes, yeah, i love the way you said it, michelle. It's in the pain. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Yeah Well, we talked about sudden loss, and when we lose someone we love suddenly, like we both did, without the opportunity to say goodbye, it can be so difficult to move forward and find peace and closure. What would you say, K. L. to another person who's listening that might be in those early grief stages to give them hope about their future without their child?

I would say and I don't mean to sound too simplistic, but recognize that each day is a gift. Still, take it literally just one 24 hour, set at a time. Rely on God for every provision, because he will and he does provide. I would say, if you're not a person of faith, this may be a good time to reach out to the Lord and ask Him for strength and deepen those bonds and make Him your best friend, because you're going to need that level of covering and that entity to hold you during the pain is excruciating. You need Him if you don't have And for my people of faith who have lost children, it's sometimes even harder to understand that the child is gone. Well, how could God allow this? Well, it's written in Scripture that he knows every care on our head and he knows every day that you're supposed to be on earth. Now, we did not know how long our daughter was going to be with us, but God knew it was only a surprise to us. And as we trust Him and you have to have like radical trust that's what I mentioned to everyone This is going to be a trust level like none other. You have to trust that, even though you did not like that. Your child has gone before you. He knows and has a plan, and that was in it. Are we you know the lesson we learned from Job, are we not? are we totally take the good and not accept God from the Lord? Sometimes when I'm talking to people it's like I do have to separate. It's like believers, i think, can grasp it a little better. For non-believers they'd have to walk with God a little longer, get to know God a little longer and to read scripture, read the book of Job, which is a very, very good one. For sorrow and pain and anguish and undeserved trauma, that's probably the best one that there is. You know, just knowing that God is, knows our story, the good and bad, and accepting it radically is a big help.

Yeah, yeah, i always say that when people go through trauma like this and lose a loved one, that they either run to God or they run away from God, and I feel, you know, thank God, i ran to God. But, like you said, we have a God and it does require radical trust, but I think the return is the depth of relationship that we never had before, even if we did know God before. We need him now like oxygen. But when you said that, i was thinking, yeah, i mean so you rely on him like never before. Now, if we could rewind the clock, would we want our kids back? Of course, but this is the gift and the beauty that we received in the midst of the pain.

Yeah, it really is. It really is. It has grown. My daughter's death has amazingly grown my relationship with God. I had been believer for more than 23 years when she passed away, but it just that daily walk. That day I'm relying on God. Just this morning I was like, okay, god's, they have a really, really busy day. I have my youngest daughter and I. Both are students at a dance studio. We have recital day coming up on Saturday. So in the midst of everything going on, i was like, okay, i'm looking forward to talking to Michelle, go ahead on lessons at last. At the same time, i got to run out this morning get nails done and get hair done and get supplies and stuff for dance day on Saturdays the busy days. The first thing I did today was like, okay, lord, i'm just trusting you that you are going to walk me through every single moment of this day and it is going to turn out to glorify you. If I go before Michelle and I'm a complete mess, it's gonna glorify you. If I'm pulled together, it's going to glorify you. I am going to glorify you and tell you that, even the good and the bad, i know you're there. Any end, any end, any end. It all makes sense. Doesn't right now the grief doesn't. It never really will, but there is an ending that's ultimate and we will reach there, and then we'll have ultimate peace In the meantime, so, day to day walk.

Yeah, yeah, that's very well said, thanks. Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing about how you reach out to God for that daily strength. I do the same thing and there's like a peace that the scripture talks about, the peace that passes all understanding Because it doesn't make sense. How can you have peace in the midst of all of the chaos? But there is a Holy Spirit, peace that comes upon us when we call on God. So, K. L. i just wanna take a minute and sort of summarize all the great points you shared so far, because so much of it bears repeating. You explained how your decision to take things one day at a time helped you process your emotions and kept you from feeling overwhelmed by your grief. You talked about the impact of losing a child suddenly and under tragic circumstances, but you acknowledged that, no matter the cause of death, we can experience healing and move forward in life with a new sense of purpose and peace. You learned how important it is to tell those in our lives how much we love and care about them and to appreciate their presence with us. On a deeper level, you experienced great sadness with Jordan's passing and talked about your close bond and friendship. That left a terrible void, but you said you have incredible memories of your time together that can never be taken away and that you'll draw on those forever. You discovered that your own loss and grief experience would serve as a tool to help another griever, and you were able to provide a unique sense of comfort during another person's time of sorrow. You told us each day, as a gift, that Jordan's death deepened your relationship with God and that radically trusting God is key to surviving the loss of a loved one and moving forward each new day. K. L. , what other lessons have you learned from Jordan's passing Can you share with someone listening right now who needs hope?

Okay, biggest life lesson I can share is number one. Let go of trying to control things and let go of trying to understand things. Some things are just not understandable on our side of being mortal, not at this moment. Let go of that radically. Trust God out everything, everything about your child, everything, whether you had a good relationship with your child or a mediocre or a bad relationship. Trust it all. Trust it all to him and know your child was here for the amount of days that was meant for them to be here. And that's a hard lesson And I still meet parents who are still having a hard time accepting that. But it is true. We are here. You and I are sitting here, not of our own accord, but because we're supposed to be here at this time when we're not supposed to be here anymore. We won't be. That's right. You have to trust that and don't blame yourself. Oh, that's the other big lesson do not, do not blame yourself. Specifically, if you're in a situation where someone has taken their life, recognize that you are not the deciding factor of their lives. If you were, that person could have isolated you. They could have gone on their way without you if you were the only factor, but you're not. Life is complex, people are complex. People's bodily hormones are complex. Mental illness is complex. You are not to blame. Do not blame yourself and do not allow others to say things, because that happens too. My pastor, the first couple of years after Jordan died, had said you probably don't want to talk too much about that, and I understand I love my pastor. What he was trying to do was make sure that we were not hurt by other people saying things and asking things and being hurtful.

Like they did.

But I do want to. I reached the point where I'm like no, i want to be able to comfort and be there for people who have gone through a similar situation and say it's horrible, it's devastating, but you can get through it And don't blame yourself, and God loves you. He loves you, but life is complex and it's hard sometimes.

Yeah, Yeah, that's really good. Not to blame yourself is so important, no matter the cause of death, because I think we all play that game in our minds. If we had only done this or only done that.

And.

God knows the beginning and the end. We had no control over it regardless. Good to remember, very good. Well, K. L. thank you so much for all of that. I want you, if you would please, to just take a minute, because I mentioned that you are a Christian fiction author. What is Christian fiction for women And what can the reader expect if they pick up one of your books?

I would say well, you know what? The easiest way to explain it is entertainment for Christian folk. So, because I write for people of a faith background, in my books there isn't a whole bunch of cursing and violence and graphic sex or anything like that. I like to just kind of have stories, not necessarily where people are or where the storyline involves somebody coming to Christ. These are people who more so have a faith level or they're having up and down relationships, but they do believe that there is a God And they have a storyline as well. So I like to say, instead of just going to the bookstore and picking up I don't know John Grisham or whoever, just reading about anybody, there's a bunch of us out here who write things And it's like no, you can read about people who do have faith And they go about their days, going through their situations maybe a different way, because people of faith have a biblical worldview And so how someone who's in the world may deal with a situation, let's say like this, with grieving, is going to be a little different than someone who doesn't have a God. I write fictional stories for people who go through different things, like the Force and maybe single parenting or getting married as one of my favorite books to write. What a book called Engaged, preparing for Marriage or Preparing for Having Babies, or Career Changes or even building businesses. I have a book that has a major CEO in it, but they go through things differently because of the biblical worldview And those are the type of characters I could read about. I like my Christian friends to have books that they can read, that are clean, but still I like to say they're not corny, they are clean, they're not corny.

Yeah. It's kind of like listening to Christian music versus listening to any other kind of secular music. It's just putting the good in there. however, you're spending your past time, so I like that very much.

However, you're being entertained. Yes, yeah.

Well, i'll put a link in the show notes so that listeners can go to your website and purchase books if they're interested. Thank you so much. Yeah, absolutely, is there anything else you want to add that I failed to ask you.

I just want to say I'll reiterate whoever's listening to this God does really love you, no matter the trauma you're going through being at loss of a child, loss of a parent or divorce He is in that story. The story, your life story, is like a tapestry and he's in there weaving it with you. It has ups and downs, but he does absolutely love you. Trust him radically about everything, even and especially your deepest trauma. Trust him, he will always be there for you.

Yeah, yeah, amen. Well, thank you, K. L. It's been such an honor having you on the show today. I know you got a busy day, so I'm gonna let you go. But thank you so much for being my guest today.

Thank you, Michelle. I truly appreciate it. Thank you for the opportunity.

So, for those of you listening, i hope you heard the hope in K. L.'s words today. Right after Jordan's passing, she was in a very dark place and she laid down to sleep, asking God if you want me to stay, give me another day, but if there's no reason for me to be here, have my oxygen tonight and bring me home to you. But she found hope in the morning when she awoke to a new day and a new sense of purpose, knowing that each day would be a journey, but that God would be right there beside her on the path. My friend, losing a child is a terrible loss, i know, and the deeper the love we shared, the deeper the pain we'll have to endure. Grief is the price we pay for love. So hold tight to those around you, love them well and tell them often, and remember K.L.'s encouragement to radically trust God in everything, especially your deepest trauma. He'll always be there for you. Thanks for listening.