Rebuilding your life after childhood trauma

Hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. Well, sadly, we live in a world where bad things can happen. And sometimes they happen to the most vulnerable and innocent among us, our children. And when these atrocities occur, they can leave a lasting impact on those involved. And as we've talked about so many times on the podcast, adversity can actually make us stronger, and ultimately be used to help other people. Well, my guest today will share the story of her own sexual abuse at the age of four. Because of her childhood trauma, she has a deep passion and desire to help children and women who have been abused. Today, she is an author and speaker, mother of two, and the wife of a pastor. She has a religion degree from Pacific Lutheran University, and 20 plus years of ministry experience with children, teens and adults. Her name is Lauren Nelson. And it's my great privilege to have her as my guest on the show today. Welcome to Qualified Lauren.

Thank you so much for having me

Of course. So Lauren, there's so much I want to talk with you about as a survivor of childhood abuse, because this topic is such a deep and troubling one. And I know there are people listening today that want to know about how you could possibly overcome the trauma you experienced. So to begin, can you tell us what happened in your life at age four?

Yes, I can. My family, my immediate family was incredibly loving, and kind, they spoke loving words over me and hugged me, you know, told me I was loved. I knew I was loved at home. But I had some extended family members that were really inappropriate, and just not good people. And we didn't know to the extent how bad they were. So we would have an extended family member that did not live in that house. But that had a key and lived very close by. And he would come in the middle of the night with his wife, and take my sister and I out of our bedrooms into the car and drive us to another location, my parents would put me and my sister to sleep at night, and we would go to bed and they would think we were safe in our beds. And we would actually not be safe. So when we would get put into the car and we were driven to another location, this location that we arrived at had other people there. So other men, other women, and sadly other children. And those children were victims, just like I was. So this happened to us a few times. But it's hard for us to remember exactly how many times it happened. But it all did start when we were about four years old.

Well, I'm so sorry that happened to you and your sister Lauren. It's just unimaginable to think that something like this can happen and that there are people out there that prey on children in this way. And you said there was actually more to what occurred than just sexual abuse.

We experienced sexual abuse, emotional abuse, because there was a lot of verbal, just mean things that they would say, to kind of try to tear down, you know, our psyche and our belief system. All of these people came together in that stick kind of party atmosphere, in order to Yes, sexually abused children, but also to worship Satan. And so they were there to perform rituals to act out sexually with each other with adults and with children. So it was very confusing for my little four year old mind.

Of course,it was yeah, that is just so much to process. I'm I'm blown away by everything you said. And thank you for sharing such deep and personal emotional thoughts about everything. And when we when we first talked, I remember you saying that fear was your greatest foe back then. Can you give us an example or two about how that fear would then manifest itself in your everyday life?

Yeah, so for me, my first introduction to fear was when that person came into my bedroom, right? I was very felt very safe with my family. I felt loved and And, and safe. And so in that experience when all of a sudden I'm not safe, that's when that fear began to enter. And I don't know how many people that are listening and believe in the spiritual side of things, but that Fear is a spirit. And so that spirit of fear came into my life at that young age of four. And it manifested in many different ways. For me, I will say, because this is an important part to know that I did repress my memories. So I was told that I would be killed. If I said anything to anyone, I was told that my family would be killed, if I said anything. And so I was terrified. And in that fear, I repressed my memories until I was in the seventh grade. So the summer before seventh grade, I began to get memories of the sexual abuse, because I encountered a different extended family member on that same side of the family that was really dysfunctional. This other extended family member was really creepy. And it began to trigger those memories for both my sister and I. And so that began our journey of remembering, and with the remembering came the floodgates of fear. So for me, I had a lot of nightmare dreams, I had memories that would come up that triggered reactions of fear. So one one night as I was falling asleep in, in seventh grade, I, I remember seeing feet underneath the crack of the door, this family member's house when this happened, and it was my abuser, and it was his feet, it was like the shadow of his feet under the door. And then like I knew he was coming, it was almost like he was taunting me, like I'm here, you know, like those creepy HEBO movies. And so all of a sudden, I just started hyperventilating. And I go out, and I tell my parents that I'm hyperventilating, as I'm telling them, you know, that's horrible memory that I'm having. And they give me a paper bag, and I'm breathing into this bag. And so that was an experience of fear. One thing to note is that as soon as my sister and I told my parents in junior high, soon as those memories came up, we were immediately believed, we were told, Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, that happened to you. They believed us right away. And they got my sister and I both into counseling. And so we had someone to process through what we were experiencing and what we were going through. So that that was helpful in many ways. But so as these fears came up, I didn't know how to deal with them. I actually was incredibly angry. At the same time, as I was afraid. So I pushed my family away, I pushed my mom and my dad and my sister away, I, I was so angry with them. So a lot of my process went in my own head, and my own heart. And so the fears would come up, for example, I would be terrified to be home alone, I was terrified to go to the mall with with a friend or with my sister on a walk. I, I just felt like at any point, I could be kidnapped or killed. I just felt like this creepy presence was always there. So even at night, when I would go to sleep, I would I would put the covers over my head. So all I had was like a little breathing hole for my mouth because I thought, well, if I can't see them, they can't see me maybe, and I can fall asleep. And so that was just the normal, everyday life of of my mind, and it was tormenting. And that was just Junior High in high school, I kind of began to push things away and not deal with them and try to ignore it and live a normal life. But when I entered college, I began to have more memories. And these memories were the satanic rituals. So before it was the sexual abuse now it's the satanic rituals that involve the sexual abuse. Meanwhile, my sister is start starting to be triggered and having these as well. And so I had a really awesome mentor at the time, a pastor's wife, who had actually experienced satanic ritual abuse as well, I later found out but she said, as your memories come up, try not to tell them to your sister, because you don't want to influence each other's memories, because you're in a really sensitive place right now. And that was the best advice she could have ever given me because I didn't tell my sister. And at one point, my sister got a really big memory that confirmed everything I had, like five memories I had had. And so I could say to my sister, you're not crazy. Yeah, I've had those two. And we know we did not influence each other.

Just the fact that you mentioned that it kind of makes me wonder, was there ever a time that you thought you imagined everything?

Oh, yeah. And there were there were times when I was like when I would feel like what am I crazy, but at the same time, I knew that I knew that I knew that my thought process and everything I was going through was not normal, and that I was deeply wounded. And something had happened that caused that I never have, like, really doubted that it happened, because it's so ingrained in me for so many years, I'm 42 now. And so for the last 20 some odd years, I've had these memories, and some still continue to come. But for the most part, I feel like I have my memories. I know what happened. And I and I also know how God delivered me from the really difficult things that I went through.

Well, let's talk about that. Because I'm thinking, you know, surely what you went through, I could, you know, totally understand the fear of being alone and walking places, and that something might happen because of what you went through. Would you say that the therapy that you were encouraged to go to did that help in any way?

Yes, I it did help because I had somebody that I could process with, but I will say, make sure that it's a safe person for your child, if you are going through this, for some reason, if you're excused have a child that has come to you and said that they've been sexually abused, I think it's really important that they feel safe with that, counselor. I know that when there's a good counselor, especially a Christian counselor, who can really help understand not only the emotional side of things, but the spiritual side of things and how that affects a person. It's huge.

Right? So you talked about your faith and being a Christian. So what role did faith play in helping you heal?

It affected everything for me, and honestly, I would say, my faith in God saved my life. And that's not me saying that, candidly, that's realistic. Because for me, even when the memories began to come back in junior high, I, I felt Jesus still close to me. And he was the only one I felt understood me even when I was so angry, and I pushed everyone else away. I just felt his kindness and his love. And so I knew that I could be open and honest. So I would journal my thoughts and my feelings. And I just remember wishing that I could die. Because heaven was a happy place, and Earth was not. Heaven was a safe place, and Earth was not. And I really just wanted to die. And And luckily, I didn't take those thoughts any further than that at that time. But I was raised in a Lutheran home, a Christian home, and I knew Bible stories, and I went to church every Sunday with my family. But God had revealed himself to me through dreams, through situations that I just knew were him. So for me, yeah, I can't separate faith or say, even when that entered, it has just always been because he's always made himself known to me.

Yeah. I'm thinking about somebody who may not have that kind of a relationship with Christ and is struggling in a situation like you're in right now. How could they rely on God? Especially when they might feel like how could God allow something like this to happen to me?

Yeah, I'm actually processing with somebody right now I'm working with and meeting with them weekly. And this gal experienced horrendous sexual abuse from the time she was young, and just multiple different people that abused her, and she did not have a relationship with Jesus. And, you know, we were talking about it, and she's in AAA, right now, Alcoholics Anonymous, and she's a young girl, she's only 20. But she was supposed to find her higher power. That's something that they talk about. And so she was asking me question and saying, you know, I want I want to, and I do believe that there's a God. And I've seen maybe little ways that he's working in my life, but I don't want to do and so we got to pray right there. And when she made that decision to say, I cannot do this on my own. When I've tried to do things on my own. It has it has sucked. It's been horrible. And so I think that's what I would say is for people to know that maybe they didn't sense that throughout their life, maybe that as young as I did, as you give your heart to the Lord, and you just say, God, I want to trust you with my life. I can't do this on my own. And I want you to fill my heart and to guide me and teach me more about you. He is going to show you that he was indeed with you. From that time, from the time you were born. And he was with us through those difficult things that you went through, and that those things were not caused by Him. The Bible says that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So anything else that is not good and perfect comes from the enemy and the enemy wants to steal, kill and destroy and that's what the Bible says. He tells us plainly,

right and I think people sometimes wonder when bad things happen. They wonder where Where is God? But when we know the word we understand the Bible tells us to expect trouble. In this world, there will be trouble but take heart I have overcome the world and right, that's where that peace comes from.

That's right.

So having been through all this, when was that turning point where you decided that you were strong enough to now help other people with what you went through?

Well, it definitely was a process. And one of the things that was so impactful for me, it was pastors in my life that met with me and prayed with me through the pain through the spiritual what I call strongholds. Fear is a stronghold shame, and bitterness and control and sorrow. Those were kind of those five main things that were strongholds in my life. That was a journey as well of just walking through each one as they came up. And then as I start dating, my husband more comes up, right? Because I'm feeling vulnerable, and I'm feeling uncomfortable. And then when my husband and I got married, he led us into pastoring. And so yes, we always, you know, focused on other people. But I would say my breakthrough in helping other people in this way through writing books, has came just when my kids were little about seven years ago.

So you told me that writing was never something that you thought you would do. And then your husband encouraged you and actually felt like he knew it was a calling for you. And then so to do. So can you talk about that?

I just couldn't imagine doing anything like that writing had never come naturally to me. And so I just felt like I needed to say, Okay, God, if this is from you, you'll make it happen in your time. And then a year later, an encounter with my daughter happened, where she asked me a question that sparked me to write my children's book, she rose of the Bible, which is the women heroes of the Bible. And she said, Mom, why does God think boys are more important than girls? And I said, he doesn't, why would you ask that? And she said, Well, it seems like God thinks boys are more important, because all we learn about in church, our boys, and we don't learn about the girls. And so I'm like, Oh, my gosh, there's so many amazing heroic women in the Bible, we, you know, and so anyway, it started me on this journey of realizing there's no other books out there like this, that really helped kids understand that these women all experienced fear. And all of them experienced, deep fear. And their fears looked different in different ways. You know, one of them was, you know, maybe afraid, Hannah was afraid she would never have children. And then you've got Deborah, who's afraid on the battlefield, because she's like, we might I might die. But, you know, like, very real fears. But I thought, gosh, like that is one way to teach kids at a young age, how to conquer that fear, through their faith in Jesus. And so that's kind of the the message through that book is just let God's love be greater than your fear.

I love the concept of teaching young women about the strong women of the Bible, because like you said, there are some great stories that are super inspirational for girls and women. You also said, you've completed a second book about your personal experience that's scheduled to be released this spring.

Yeah, this book is just really helping other people to come into freedom from those five strongholds that I talked about, that I think affect a lot of people that go through trauma, particularly sexual abuse, which is that fear, the bitterness that control and shame and sorrow, those are just huge things. So it's very interactive, there's discussion questions at the end of every chapter, or you can do it in a group or on your own to just really reflect in and get some freedom in those areas.

Wow, that sounds like a really helpful tool for someone who needs this kind of support. Yeah. You know, when we were talking before you said something about, well, if you're a parent that has a child that's going through this, you know, make sure that they have a counselor that skilled in this area, if you put yourself into the mind of maybe a parent who's listening right now, whose child has come to them and told them that they've been abused? How can that person deal with the emotions that are coming in at the same time, the emotions that they're dealing with as a mother and then as well as wanting to support their child who's experienced so much trauma?

There would be such a flood of emotions I and I, I've not been on that side of things. But I definitely asked my kids like, is there anything you need to tell me, you know, have you felt uncomfortable or unsafe? And so at this point, and I pray, it never happens. But my kids have been safe from that. But I can tell you just from even my my mom's perspective, of what she experienced with me, there's a flood of emotions that come a feelings of out of control, and it's not fair and why did this happen? And I thought I was keeping my child safe. For I had no idea this person was not a safe person. And so all those feelings, you can feel guilty and you can feel angry you, you know, everybody kind of deals with things in different ways. Some people tend to internalize it and blame themselves, other people lash out and get really angry with the world. Um, sometimes it's a little bit of both. And so I think the most important thing to do is to have a relationship with Jesus so that you can begin to put those burdens on him because he can carry it, you can't carry it, there's no amount that you can carry, it's too hard. Yeah. And so when we have Jesus, we can say, Jesus, You take my burdens, you take my shame, you take my anger, you take all the ways I feel like control or bitterness towards this person who did this, all of it, the guilt, and then he can take that for you. But I do think it's important to on a practical level, to have a counselor, or a pastor or somebody that you're meeting with regularly to try to process through those feelings that are going to be coming up. Because every time your child tells you where you're watching it impact their life, it, it's going to re trigger you those feelings of guilt or anger or whatever. So it's it's a continual process of saying Jesus helped me and the Lord bring the right person into my life and helped me to find that right person that will help me process as these things come up.

Yeah, very good advice. And the other thing that I think about must be really difficult for both, maybe the parent and also the victim of the abuse would be forgiveness. How do you even touch on that subject was such a painful thing?

Well, I think that's a timing issue in everybody's life, but we are all going to be faced with that decision of whether we're going to forgive or not forgive. And, you know, with the person that I mentioned, that I'm meeting with now, this 20 year old, where she's at right now and the rawness of where she is, I mean, every other word is a cuss word, she's just really angry. And I would not dare to talk about forgiveness yet, because for her, she needs to, she needs to personally heal. Yeah, before she can really make that decision fluently. And for me, I, you know, I experienced a lot of healing so that I could finally see clearly and be able to make that decision. And I do keep coming back to that word decision. Because forgiveness is not an emotion, it is a choice. And it's a decision of the will that we make. And one of the things that I share about in my book is the story of Corrie 10, boom. If you've you know, for those of you who haven't heard of her, she was alive during the Nazi reign, the Nazis took over her homeland and long story short, she ended up in a concentration camp. And she watched so many people die around her. But after she survived the war, her sister did not survive. Her dad did not survive. So many family members died. And she experienced great loss and trauma. And the Lord had her speak about her experiences to the to the I want to say she was in Germany when she actually was in she, it didn't happen in Germany, but she went back to Germany and was speaking in Germany and sharing about forgiveness and God's love and how she wants to forgive and love those that abused her and her family. Well, at the end of her talk, a man comes forward. And he says off, it's so good that you say that we can be forgiven. She knew exactly who he was. He was a Nazi guard at the camp where her sister was killed, and he was one of the most brutal and so she just stood stone cold in terror and anger as she's watching this man tried to receive this forgiveness from God and he said, I, I have received Jesus and I'm so thankful that I'm forgiven by him, but will you forgive me? And he asked her directly, what do you forgive me basically, for the murder and everything that I did, and he didn't remember her at all. But she because she was one of 1000s that he abused, but she she remembered him and she remembers saying she was still angry. And in her heart, she said, God, I cannot forgive this man. But you can help me forgive him. And as soon as she asked the Lord to help her, forgive him, and to make that choice, she felt like what felt like electricity ran through her her body and into her arm. And she reached out her hand and made the decision to say, Yes, I will forgive you. And as soon as she did, she started to sob, and she began to feel it but the feelings came after she made a decision. Isn't first to say, I'm going to choose to forgive you. But God helped me that

isn't always going to be that way with every Oh, it's not always a feeling of electricity. And it's a choice. That doesn't always happen.

That's right. Yeah, it definitely affects everybody different. In my for my own experience, when I realized that I had not actually forgiven my abuser, I made that decision on my own to go, Okay, I'm going to choose to forgive him with my mind. And all the people that abused me, I'm going to choose to forgive them, right. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel any different. But I made that decision. But I started to realize that true breakthrough happens, true healing for ourselves happen when we can let the other people go, unforgiveness and bitterness holds like shackles on us to that other person. So when we can say I choose to forgive them, God release them from me, I release them, you're actually not just extending forgiveness to them, you're releasing yourself and allowing yourself to really be able to walk in the fullness of healing,

powerful. Yeah. So Lauren, you've shared so many great insights with us having lived through the trauma of abuse for the survivor, as well as the family members who are providing support. You want them to know that therapy with the right counselor can be a great benefit to aid in their road to recovery. You shared that fear is more than just an emotion, but actually a spiritual stronghold that can be overcome by prayer and faith. You experience a flood of emotions in the aftermath of your abuse, and you now understand that it's okay to feel anger, bitterness, guilt, shame, and sorrow. You know, that walking through and surviving painful experiences can serve as a platform for helping others when shared. And you talked about the power of forgiveness, and that we all must decide for ourselves, how and when to make the choice to forgive, that's best for us. And you reminded us that God's love is greater than our fears, and that his kindness and nearness to us can be a great source of comfort and pain. Lauren, what other big life lessons have you learned having been through all of this?

Well, I'd say the first thing is not letting your feelings dictate your decisions. Because again, our feelings can lie to us, where every time I felt fear, which it could be anything from fear that I'm going to be killed. So I don't go drive in my car, because I'm afraid something can happen. or fear of speaking in front of people or fear of doing this podcast, I could easily give into that feeling of fear and say, well, then Lauren, like, be nice to yourself, you don't have to go on that podcast. Warren be just be gentle with yourself. You don't have to go, you know, speak at that event, or you don't have to write this book. It's okay. You know, which is true. I could be you know, but at the same time, I'm not getting the very best that God has for me because I'm bowing down to fear and innocence. So I had somebody say something to me one time that I think if there's anything that people could really glean from this. It's this. She's my friend was going through, like an addiction therapy session, and this counselor said to her, what is on the other side of fear? And because her counselor been talking about all these fears that she was having, that was ultimately why she was trying to self medicate, right? And she is she said, I have no idea what's on the other side of fear. And he said, everything you've ever wanted. everything your heart has longs for. Everything you've ever desired, everything God has for you, is on that other side of that bully, of fear. And if we can recognize that and push past our feelings, and say, I'm not going to let that stop me, I am going to take a step forward into what God has for me, even when I feel really uncomfortable or scared or sick or whatever. I'm going to press in and press through, then you will you will watch God do breakthrough after breakthrough after breakthrough. Because I'll tell you seven years ago when I wrote she rose of the Bible, there's no way that I did not think I was saying yes to speaking in public. I did not think I was saying yes to being on podcasts, or writing another book with all of my story in it. But when I made that choice to sit down and begin to pen it and write it and really just let God move then there's That realization if I don't tell people about it, nobody's going to know about this, I have to go talk. So he rushed me through a new thing of fear of getting in front of people, which I would have rather died, you know, really. And so it's just he's it's just breakthrough after breakthrough that happens when we say yes to God and no to our feelings. So that'd be the main thing I would say would be the biggest lessons I've learned

was so good, so good. Well, I want you to talk for just a minute about where listeners can go to learn more about you what you do, and also get a copy of that book.

Yeah. So right now on my website, my website is Lauren l nelson.com. And they can go there and learn where to buy it. Currently, Amazon or Barnes and Noble, or basically, anywhere online bookstores are, you can find she rose of the Bible, which is a children's book, soon, I'm going to have that available on my website, we're in the middle of a transformation of my website right now. So you can't purchase it directly on there yet, but it will be on there soon. Maybe by the time your listeners hear this, it will be already up and running. And then my other book is going to be coming out most likely in the spring or summer. And so that's another way on my website, Lauren l nelson.com, you'll be able to find out about that upcoming book, which is my story, and processing through trauma. So and then I'm actually going to be doing life coaching pretty soon in the next six months, I'll be certified to be a trauma and resiliency coach, life coach to be able to help other people, whether it's through zoom, I might be in groups or individual, but there'll be opportunities to be able to do that. So I'm excited about that business as

well. Congratulations on that. Lauren. You really did. You busted through fear. All right.

I punched it in the face.

Hey, well, I just want to thank you so much for agreeing to come on the show today. It was just so wonderful talking to you.

Thank you. It was an honor to be here. I really appreciate it.

Great, Lauren.So for those of you listening, I know this was a difficult topic to explore today. And if you're in a situation like this one, It's my prayer that you will find the support you need. Lauren's situation was a bad one. And when her memories returned, so did the fear and anxiety that would attempt to overtake her life. But the key thing to remember is that she did overcome her situation. She sought help, stayed strong in her faith, and then found the resolve to help others with the lessons she learned. Whatever loss you're experiencing right now, please remember that you can survive it and ultimately overcome any negative emotions. If you make the choice to just press on. You'll learn from the difficult times emerge stronger. And finally, you'll be more than qualified to help someone else with the lessons you learned in your loss. Thanks for listening