Surviving and thriving after a cancer diagnosis

Well, hey everybody and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. I believe one of the greatest fears many of us have is getting a report from the doctor that we have a serious illness. Even though we know that with the recent advancements in medical technology, some health issues can be cured or reversed. But that's not always the case. Getting a diagnosis like this is a real test of faith. How would you respond? Well, my guest today found herself in that situation back in 2008. When she learned that she had breast cancer. Then the unimaginable happened. Only four months later, her husband received the news that he had pancreatic cancer. Today's episode is a story of an amazing survivor, entrepreneur, director of a nonprofit organization, speaker and author. Her name is Kim Sorrelle and it is my great privilege to have her as my guest on the show today. Welcome to Qualified Kim.

Michelle, thank you so much. It is so great to be here. It was wonderful talking to you before and I have been anticipating this moment. So thank you.

Yes, I have as well. And so thank you, Kim, you got the call from your doctor that none of us wants to receive. And you heard the words, you have cancer. What went through your mind at that time? Then what was your immediate reaction?

Yeah, say I did not expect the biopsy to come back and say that I had cancer. And I was shocked. I got a phone call on a Friday afternoon. So I couldn't call the doctor's office back or do anything about it. And then you just know nothing until the next doctor's appointment and start to find out some things. But I was just stunned. I went for the biopsy, knowing that there's no way that it would come back as cancer.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. You had to go through that. And now you had to break the news to your husband. How did he react?

Yeah, well, I called him on the phone. And he was at work. And I couldn't get a word out. I was just crying. And he's like, what's the matter? What's the matter? And, and I finally was able to tell him any you're free to home and he did the exact right thing. If anybody's wondering what to do, this is the thing to do is he ran into the house. And then he just held me. He just helped me and we stood for the longest time just holding on to each other.

Yeah, that's perfect. He just assured you that he was there for you. That's wonderful. So now you two are in this together. He's committed to helping you get through this. You had to go through multiple surgeries in a short amount of time, and it wasn't an easy thing for you emotionally and physically. And then right in the middle of your recovery at home. The next wave of the storm came crashing down. Tell us what happened next.

Well, here was just four months into my dealing with my stuff, right? And it was a week after I had a complete hysterectomy that went along with my breast cancer diagnosis because we're home hormone receptors and whatever. And so I was still laying in bed with my pajamas on watching Grey's Anatomy, reruns, and my husband woke up in the morning I woke up, he was awake when I woke up. And he just had such pain in his stomach. And he had gone to the doctor three times from the time of my diagnosis. So in the four months, he had gone to the doctor three times with these stomach issues. And they told him take some Tums you know, it's just you're just nervous because of your wife. And so I said to him, that's it. You know, this is miserable, you're miserable. Go to the ER. And certainly they'll run a test they'll do something. So he drove himself to the emergency room. And, and I looking back, I'm like, Oh my gosh, I can't believe I made him do that. But I mean, he was fine to drive. And I'm laying in bed. So he drove and he was a man that followed rules. And so when it said no cell phones, he did not have his cell phone on. So I could not get in touch with him. And so I was waiting and waiting and waiting and finally got a phone call that you said, I guess they're gonna keep me overnight. And I'm like keep it overnight. They don't keep anybody overnight. What does this keep me overnight, so I threw on some clothes For the first time in a week, and I got in my car and drove like a madwoman and my Vicodin induced state. And I was almost at the hospital when my phone rang again. And we sad, I guess there's a spot on my liver. Like spot on your liver. I just started bawling and bawling. And I got to the hospital, I don't remember parking. I do remember running in holding all parts of my body that were sore, because my entire body had been through the mill. And I ran and they told me where to go. And he was behind a curtain and I whipped the curtain back. And he was just sitting on the edge of the bed like nothing was going on. And I'm bawling. And he said, Listen, I am not going to invite you out anymore. If this is the way you're going to behave. I said, Listen, buddy, you are not allowed to be funny right now. So it took us a few days to get an actual diagnosis. They really thought it was colon cancer, and then doing a colonoscopy realized that it was coming from the outside and not something inside his colon. And so it took a few days to get the pancreatic cancer diagnosis. And it's one of the worst diagnosis as you can receive. You know, there's no, there's no anything more

So, like you said there are limited treatment options for this kind of cancer. And his doctors informed you that his condition was terminal. What are you feeling now? And how did you cope with this new reality?

Ah, we just from the very beginning, we just prayed Lord, heal him like you did the blind and the lame, or the ultimate healing, which is heaven. Or, please, please don't let him suffer. Yeah. And God honored that he honored that. So it was a tough diagnosis. But you know, it's interesting, because I've wondered how much easier it is like for someone to die immediately, or have an illness and then you know that they're going to die. Right. Right. And, well, we had no idea how much time the doctor thought a year, maybe more than a year, I was only 47. He was 51. He was lean, and it fit. And so he said to your young, whatever, you could go longer than a year. And we never expected six weeks. So we didn't have those conversations that maybe you have when things are near the end. I mean, we just never did. Because it was so fast. And but it was completely God's mercy. It was it was an answer to prayer, because he did not suffer.

I am so very sorry for your loss, Kim. Six weeks is so fast. But I'm so happy to hear that he did not have to endure a long period of suffering in answer to your prayers. And I know that she loved him very much. And then it was incredibly hard on you living with the knowledge that you would lose him. Can you tell us a little bit about his personality, the kind of man he was, and how you were processing your grief during this time.

It was a thing that I was able to process over time. Because it wasn't the immediate, you know, heart attack or whatever. It takes people accident that takes people right away. So I had time to do some pre processing. And there were times that I would just start crying. And he would hold me like he did. And he would say don't cry for me. I know where I'm going. Don't cry for me. Right cry for you. Said I feel bad for you. You're the one staying and I'm like, Well, you know, whatever. But he was so good about it. And he was man with tremendous faith. Yeah, who got up at five o'clock every morning and read his Bible was on his face before God and and had the devotional book always. And he was a faithful man who chased God his whole life. And so I could never begrudge him really? Because he did it right, you know, as he did it, right. And so to go to heaven at 51 and not be another bill and never get the flu again. No, that's not so bad. That's not so bad for him.

Absolutely. You're right. I remember when my son died at 17. And I talked to a pastor that I had known for years and at that time, I was just undone by my grave. And he consoled me and he said, you know Michelle heaven's, not the consolation prize. And I just sat with that for a long time. It's so hard for us to get our heads around the fact that when we leave this place, there's more, so much more for those of us who believe it's just the beginning, really, but it's hard for those of us left behind. And you had children, right? How did their grief affect you?

I just felt like I had to be strong for my kids, my kids were grown. But I still felt like I had to be the strong one, I had to be the one holding the family together. And so it took a while to figure out how to process at all.

Was there anything in particular that you did that helped you as you were navigating all the emotions associated with losing your husband?

That's a really good question. You know, one thing that I did, or the thing that I did is when I was ready to go back to work. So a few months after my husband died, and I was through all my stuff and ready to go back to work, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. And I ended up deciding to be the part time bookkeeper of a nonprofit organization, my dad and I started 10 years before then. And so I started January, one of 2010. And 12 days later, there was an earthquake in Haiti, that killed 200,000 people. So within two weeks, I was in Haiti, and for the next several years, I was in Haiti, at least part of the month. And I really believe that in serving, there is healing, I was able to get outside of myself, I think, I was in shock for a long time, not truly grasping this new life, this new thing, and then I went and served. And that's when the healing happen.

Yeah, I would agree with that. 100% about serving, it may seem like there's no way when you might feel like you can't even get out of bed in the morning. But for me, I realized when I began to volunteer my time helping other people who are in need, it took my mind off my own struggles for a time. And it made me appreciate the things I did have in my life. It's really a win win, because you're helping someone who needs it. And then it's really healing for you as well.

So it really is, it's amazing, because there are so many things that are the opposite of what you think, in this world, right, so many things that that God does entirely different than we expect. And service is one of them. It's like you can't out serve you, there is no way that you go into service, and give more than you get in return. It is odd that it works that way. But that's exactly the way it worked. And so I did receive so many blessings. I mean, it was just such a wonderful experience to be able to help to be able to be in that position, where I could go serve, and then it just came back to me tenfold is crazy how it works.

Well, I know another one of the ways she processed your grief was in your writing. Even while you were still recovering, you begin journaling your thoughts about everything you're going through. You've written two books since that time, and then the first one, cry until you laugh. You lead us through your breast cancer diagnosis, treatment and recovery and talk about finding the good while enduring the bad. And then the second one love is urine search of the true meaning of love following your husband's passing. Let's talk about the first one. Can you give us one of the biggest takeaways that might help someone who's struggling with a breast cancer diagnosis?

Sure, well, I went to the bookstore when I was diagnosed, because I thought certainly there's a book that's going to tell me how to get through all of this, right. And everything was either very medical or depressing. And I thought that I want to know what it feels like, I want to know if there's choices I have to make. I want to know what I'm supposed to do. I had no idea what I'm supposed to do. And there are choices. There are things there. There's a lot that you go through the other side, a lot of different doctors that you meet with and so to know that to be able to follow somebody else's journey, while you're on your own, I think is just very valuable. It it certainly would have been for me, writing was very therapeutic. And of course, I was still writing when my husband was diagnosed and when he passed and and so I wrote for a little over a year. And the biggest takeaway, I would say, really, if you are facing a breast cancer diagnosis, know that you're not alone. There's lots of women out there that you can talk to that event through it, but also make sure you get the best doctor are, you know, don't, don't just go with who they recommend? Because maybe they're not the best one for you. And most insurance companies will pay for a second opinion. So get one.

Yes, very good. Well, in your second book Love is you go deep into the meaning of love following the loss of your husband, as you explore your relationship with him, and your relationship with God. What was one of your biggest discoveries about love that might help someone who's lost their spouse,

oh my word I discovered so much about love. Love is not an emotion, like excitement or fear, love is alive. Love is walking, talking, living, breathing, giving. It's, it's who you are, who you can be. And so it's something that you live. And it's something that you give, regardless, if you get any love back or not. It's it's all on you. You know, if if you get nothing in return for your love, that's fine. Because the minute you expect anything in return for your love, than hate, you're like bargaining, you're giving something to get something. And love doesn't do that love loves here yet, right?

So your life now involves a lot of public speaking and podcasts like this one. And I know your goal is to help and encourage people with the experience of everything you've been through, which I think is wonderful. What's one of the most common questions people ask you about your own trials and adversity?

go there, you know, why, why you why you? And my response from the beginning has been why not me? Why would I be immune? You know, why is anybody ever immune? We're not, I don't believe that there's a God in heaven, who smites us and says, Oh, my gosh, I saw you steal that pack of gum, you're getting cancer. You know, it doesn't happen like that. It is random. It is whatever it is, as they discover more and more about it. It is what it is. And so it's, it's why not me. And that's, that's a common one. And one is how, how did you possibly have cancer and get a diagnosis four months later, and survive at all. And I have great family support. I have wonderful kids who have wonderful spouses, and who, lots of great friends, my sister in law's my brothers and I just had so much great support. And that's what you need. You know, it can be easy to shy away from people who are grieving. Because you're afraid that you'll be sad, you'll say the wrong thing, because you don't know what to say. It's like a no that do the opposite. Embrace the grieving people, embrace them, and let them cry. You know, sometimes you just need a good cry. And it's okay. It's alright, let your friends cry, let your family cry, and till they can laugh again. But be there for them. Don't leave them.

Yeah, this is a real issue for some people. Grief is hard. And not everyone has had experience with it. So there can be a tendency to flee from it. Sadly, you only find out about grief the hard way. But that's great advice, be there for them. Don't leave. Your husband knew what to do when you got your news, and he just helped you. That's all that's needed sometimes. And I'm so happy to hear that you had a great support system in your time of need. That's so important. But what would you say to someone who's listening right now that maybe doesn't have a support system like that? Where can they turn?

Well, support systems are available everywhere. So even if you don't have close family or friends, or if they've deserted you, or whatever the situation is, there are groups in every city all over the place that you can be involved in. And they're I personally, I looked for other widowed women around my age, because I always thought of the word without as this 95 year old woman wearing black and crying a lot or something I don't know. And me I was 47 I didn't know how to be 47 and widowed. And so I found some women that were going through the same thing at the same time. And we went to dinner once a month for quite a while and it was it's always so good to know you're not alone. You're there are other people going through exactly what you're going through. You're You're not alone.

Yeah, that really helps. Well, you've been through so much, Kim, how would you describe your lives now?

Oh, my life is fantastic. Yeah, I I love life, I love people. And people are the biggest thing in my life, I think they should be any anybody's life, you know, relationships is what life is all about. And here we just got through COVID. And there's people that have kind of turned into hermits, because they're used to staying home and not working from home and losing relationships. And it's like, oh, man, do everything you can to regain those. Stay with your friends, say with your family and call people, you know, reach out.

Yeah, that's so true. We need those connections and relationships in our lives. Well said, Kim, as you experience loss and grief, you also discovered so many important things about love and life. You told us that when you are going through the most difficult time, a simple response that requires no words and is so meaningful. It's just to be present for someone you shared about the power of prayer. And that when we pray, God hears us, you learn that when someone who loves God dies, their life is really just beginning. And that as hard as it is for those of us left behind, we can be joyful for them. And you talked about how serving is a great way to shift your mind away from your own problems, and that you ultimately get back so much more than you give. You described how the process of journaling your thoughts and feelings was so therapeutic during your grief, and how it also served as the beginnings of a book. You understand that when tragedy strikes, we're never alone, and that others have been through similar circumstances, and that we can reach out and talk to them for support. And as a result of it all, you explored the true meaning of love, and discovered a new depth and appreciation for living it out. Kim, what other lessons have you learned through everything you experience that you can share with someone listening who needs hope.

One of the biggest things that I learned is that we don't control everything in life, there are things we have no choice about. I wouldn't choose for my husband to have had cancer, I wouldn't choose for anyone to have cancer, I wouldn't choose to have lost my husband, we were going to be those old people on the porch drinking lemonade rights, and then rockers and in our 90s. And all of a sudden it was a whole different life. So those things I had no choice over. But I do have things that I can pick that I get to choose, I get to choose how I'm going to live, I get to choose to be happy. I get to choose to deal with life head on. I get to choose to invent this new life that anybody that loses anybody, your life changes, it doesn't matter good as your life changes. And so you have to kind of reinvent a little bit. And I choose to do it happily and embrace life.

You're so right, we have a choice. Thank you for that. And now, Kim, I would love it if you could tell us where we can go to find your books?

Yes, for sure. Well, they are available everywhere online, Amazon, all the booksellers Love is my latest book is also in brick and mortar stores. So Barnes and Noble. Places like that across the country. So they're available everywhere. They're available on my website. My name is I am literally the only Kim Sorrelle spelled my way in the entire world. Because there are way too many letters. There are two R's, two E's and two L's s o r, r, e, ll e. So my website, Kimsorrelle.com is a little hard to remember. But you can also get to my website by typing and love is the name of the book Love is dot info. And so I'm pretty easy to find. Love is hopefully as easy to remember. And I think it'll change your life.

Thank you and I'll put a link in the show notes to make it easy to find. Kim, you have certainly been through some difficult things in your life, but you've kept the faith and managed to say very positive and hopeful through it all. Do you have any final thoughts that you can share with someone listening who might be struggling with the reality of a serious medical diagnosis they or a loved one has received or for someone who might be dealing with the recent loss of a spouse?

Yeah, I would say pain. We think of it as a bad thing. Always. But it's not necessarily a bad thing. Because the pain means that you loved and the pain means that you cared that which is a really good thing. That that's a good thing. If you have no pain, maybe that's not such a good thing. But embrace the pain because today's pain is not tomorrow's pain. And it's not the same pain five years from now. When people would say, Well, you know, you got to move on. He's saying, move on, you don't move on. I don't like those words. Because forever, my husband will be a part of my life forever. Your son will be a part of your life, you will ever you lose forever, though. They're part for you. Yeah. They don't leave and then it's just over there. They're part of you. And so you don't move on. You move forward. You take steps in the right direction. But the pain and the pain, it's easier, but but embrace it. It's okay to feel pain. It's all right.

That's so true. Our loved ones will always be with us. And we can move on with them as part of who we are. Kim, I just want to thank you so much for agreeing to come on the show and share your story with us. It's been such a pleasure to meet you and hear your story of overcoming loss and adversity.

Oh, it is great to talk to you, Michelle, and thank you so much for what you're doing. This is such a valuable podcast, and you do such great job with it. So thank you so much.

Thanks again, Kim. So for those of you listening, I don't know what your circumstances are. But if you're here today, you have likely experienced loss. Kim's story may seem tragic, but she realized the good in the situation and made a decision about how she would respond. She chose joy. I know it's not easy in the early stages of loss and grief, believe me. But with faith, hope and love. You too can find happiness again. And when that day comes, you'll be able to help someone else with the lessons you learned in your loss. Thanks for listening