Surviving the Loss of My Son - A Father's Journey

Well, hey everybody and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. So by now, you know that we talk about loss here on the podcast. We share how it changes us, makes us feel and the lessons that we learned from our pain. And we also know that loss comes in many forms, from the death of a loved one to the loss of a job. But in the same way, there are different types of loss, there are also different types of grief. Today, we're going to talk about what happens when a person is faced with the loss of a loved one, while in the midst of grieving other losses. The state of bereavement overload is also known as cumulative grief. My guest today is a coach and fitness trainer for beast fit army. He's a former United States Marine, business owner and mentor. He's well known for his motivational style and positive attitude. He knows what it's like to experience cumulative grief. And he was kind enough to agree to talk with me about it on the podcast today. Welcome to Qualified Ron!

Hello, hello.

Thanks for being here.

Thank you for having me.

So Ron, back in 2017, you were in the midst of a divorce after many years of marriage. You are already struggling emotionally. When another traumatic event occurred in your life, that would change you forever. What happened back then?

I was married for 20 years. Having gone through a marriage for 20 years losing your partner. First and foremost is tough. And I had to that point figure out how to navigate through life. And September 11 2017, I was actually in Hawaii, training a client and got a I call that no parent wants to get it. I got a call from my, my eldest son, Nigel, that my youngest son was in a bad car crash. We didn't know what was going to happen, but we knew it was pretty bad. I'm from Charlotte, North Carolina. I live in Colorado right now. But the East Coast has hurricanes. Well, he had a flat tire that morning. So his best friend had to come pick him up to take him to school. So his best friend was driving them. Torrential rainstorms. And they're on the way back from school. He had hit the right side of the road and he overcompensated for going over on the side of the road and ended up into oncoming traffic. And a large truck hits the passenger side which my son was on the passenger side. He died immediately he didn't suffer. I found out from a good friend of mine that was in the ER at the time.

I am so very sorry, Ron. I know that was devastating for you and your family, but also for his friends. Because Daniel was such a young man, only 17. And you said he was loved by so many. And he had so many friends.

There were so many of his peers. I think it was over 500 people that came to the funeral. But we had so many letters and messages sent to us of how Daniel inspired them. As a parent, you always want to know you've you've brought your kids up well. And at 17 years old, he was trying to inspire people, so many letters and messages that we got one young lady in particular, he actually talked her out of committing suicide. So no, he was a good kid, but it showed so many lives that he touched in his short span on earth. He was always happy. Growing up wanted to be just like his big brother. They were both great in sports. Both played travel baseball. He told me stories of how kids in the neighborhood one of his buddies would be getting bullied and he had to take up for him. He was a protector. He looked out for a lot of people from what we found out.

Well, I know you must be very proud. Daniel sounds like he was an amazing young man and a great friend. So Ron, you were in business for yourself back then. And you said that your work kept you very busy. And you traveled a lot. What impact did that have on your family?

I keep a text from him. Where, during the time where we were separated, I sent him I sent him a text, apologizing for me not being around as often not knowing how he will respond, but he said, I understand that you have to do what you have to do because you're the man of the house. I didn't expect me traveling as much as I did, I didn't think that he would understand. But he was a very, very smart kid. What I have learned through this whole process is I was busy being a good provider, but I've missed the mark, being a good father. That's something that I struggled with for a very, very long time. Because I traveled all over the world, I used to fix hail -damaged cars, I traveled all over United States. I was a busy father, trying to provide the best life for my family. In my mind, doing those things, I was providing a good life, but in time, I wouldn't be able to go back and write those wrongs. So that was another burden that I carry, because I wouldn't be able to do that for Daniel. I'm a workaholic. I'm a business owner. I love inspiring people. And I look back on it now I like to to help people navigate through things and more. So things that I need to look at myself. It's easier for me to, to explain to show people how to get through things and more. So at that point, I didn't even know how to get myself through that situation.

How would you describe your emotional state at that

I was a very depressed person. Even though nobody time? realized that I was still able to motivate people. Even though I was hurting. I was able to inspire people and motivate people even through my pain. And then there came a point where I couldn't make my own self happy anymore. I didn't really grieve for years after. Because I just, I utilized, staying busy to mask my pain. I wore mask for years. I wore that fake smile for years. I was in a very depressed state. I was very lonely. And honestly, there was several times where I really contemplated not not being here anymore. Because I especially at the beginning, there were times in my mind, I felt like if I took myself away from here I can go and be with my son. That's the mental state that I was in because I felt so overwhelmed. Because at that time I lost a marriage, my family, my other son really, because of the divorce, and then losing his brother, our relationship wasn't good at all. We really didn't talk for at least couple years. During that time, I lost the business. Because I was in such a depressed state. I couldn't bring myself to even dress some days. and I didn't care. So I lost, I let my business just fizzle. And then from losing my business, I had a foreclosure on my home. But through all that I didn't understand how people were depressed. But I was a very depressed person. I just feel like a hamster on a hamster wheel. I couldn't even get any, any progress in my life. That's why it was like the things that went through my head. Okay, if I've lost everything, I can't do what I'm good at. Why stay here?

So you were in a really bad place, and your depression and all those dark thoughts had you believing that you had no purpose? No reason to even stay here.

Really anxiety, depression, going through that may may also be sympathetic for people that suffer through depression. I didn't meet inspiring people I never understood. How can you be depressed life is amazing. And I really didn't understand the anxiety people felt or depression and I'd never imagined and who were where I was, to where I am right now. To be so. To be so happy. There was a point that I never thought I could be happy again. You never think about me you hear so many different things going on in people's lives. People losing their homes because of fire. People losing kids but you never think about that actually happening to you. You hear about all the stories going around you. But you never realize that that can happen to you as well. Right? So it was a tremendous eye opening experience for me. And it gave me so much compassion. For people that go through this. I mean, you, when you go through it, you have so many people telling you, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. And I understand what they're trying to say. But if it's a situation where people don't understand, right, because I can't go to a counselor that can't speak to me about something that I've been through.

Yes, I went through something similar when my own 17 year old son passed away. It's one of those things you have to go through to totally understand. So you told me you struggled with depression for several years, and you're a preacher's kid. So your parents were very concerned about you, and your spiritual well being? What was the turning point where things began to change for you?

Me, it was six years from the time that well, my parents had asked me over the years to get back into church, I grew up in the church, and I was running from God for a long time. I

I also felt that way with my son, Sean, a 17 year mean, it and then it was like, my divorce and then losing my son and what's kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. I just, it was just one Sunday. And I just had this overwhelming, not overwhelming, but this little voice towards church. This day, it was this day, you need to go to church. And so I went to this new church, that new church that was built in my area, Colorado Springs here. It's called Life Church. And it was it was the first time I felt light at the end of the tunnel. where my life was so dark for so long. I went into church, it was so welcoming. And it was meant for me to go that day. That's why I was supposed to go because they have greeters at church. And my particular day that I went there, there was no, in my mind there was no greeters. It was a pastor that would stand at the front door to greet me. He created me, grabbed me on my shoulders, just gave me a little conversation. And we became friends. From that point on, we started working out together. And I asked him, How do I get over all this anger and burden and pain that I'm feeling over the loss of my son, and he said, serve. So ever since that day, I've been serving at my church, serving people serving God. That is what has been my biggest reawakening. And also when I got baptized, he took that burden off my shoulders, I was trying to carry it on my own. And even with my anger, I saw that I couldn't go back to church because who I had become just carrying so much anger, it wasn't like I was being mean to people. It's just I just wasn't that same loving, kind person that I used to be. And once I got that times again, it was like a rebirth. For me that anger and that pain, even though I still am sad about my son. And there's so many people out here that are hurting and staying away from church, because they feel like they're not good enough. But I will whoever's listening to know God loves you right where you are right now. I thought before that God was punishing me for taking my son. But we all again, have a purpose here. And that's another reason why I was kind of being with God, I'm like, You took my son. He didn't take my son, my son's job was finished. And I had to realize that and so it will be sad. But I have to understand that Daniel did what God put him on earth to do. Yes, loan. So Ron, how are you using the position you're in right now as a personal trainer and fitness coach, to help other people with what you've learned from all of this?

Well, most most of my clients go to church with me on Sundays. Just like this past Sunday, we went to church, we came in had meal prep Sunday. But what I try to do is not force religion on people. I try to show them love and show them that God accepts them where they are and loves them where they are. And I just try to live that every day and be a good example. So that we can win more souls for the Kingdom. And I told my dad I never wanted to be a preacher. But as he jokes with me now, because of the platform that I have, right God gave me the the strength to navigate through those situations. Now, during that time, I was a mess, to be honest. But now looking back on it, those two things were two bad things that really made me into the man that I am right now made me into a more loving person and more compassionate person, a more understanding person.

Ron, you learned so much by all of this, and you shared a lot with us today. You told us that it's important not to mask the pain we're feeling but to reach out and communicate with someone you can trust. You said that your own experience with depression made you more compassionate toward others. And then it's important to understand and empathize with others and what they're going through. You realize that tragedy can strike in a person's life and that none of us are exempt from it. And that we need to be prepared for these trials. You learned about the value of serving, and how helping others can be healing for us as well. You explained how a person can discover purpose in the midst of adversity, and how we can use our platforms, whatever they may be to help other people with the experience we've gained. What other significant life lessons have you learned by these losses in your life, especially the loss of your dear son, Daniel, that might help someone listening who may need some help today?

I don't feel that there is any perfect blueprint of how to navigate through that. But the only reason I was able to get through it is because Jesus, I mean, I see now, through the whole scenario, Jesus strategically placed people in my life during my worst times to help me navigate through that to take my hand. Even if it was just a let me know that it'd be okay. There were times where my pastor, he's busy man, he would call me, um, you're going to a meeting but God put upon my heart to just tell you it's gonna be okay. Times like that, where I I look at it from a perspective of out of all the millions of people that are on this planet. God, you took time out to put on this one man's heart to speak into my life. So, yes, there comes a point in your deepest darkness. I realized I had to lean on God. The only way that I was going to get out of this and see light at the end of the tunnel or find peace in this is only through God. It's like making a diamond. Now on the other side of it, that's when I felt like I was going through I was being refined, going through the fire being being molded through all of what I was going through. I was being molded into who I am right now. And so that is why I can now Thank God. Like I was saying before. So so many people that came into my life told me it's going to be okay. Not having going through it but telling me it's going to be okay get it which I understand everyone wants to wants your best interest. But there was no one that came into my life that took that pain away other than God. So if there's anything that I can say to anybody that's hurting right now, and they're far from Christ right now - is to pray. Don't alienate yourself. That's one thing that I did. I can't say this for sure. But most men try to alienate themselves when tough times come up and find someone that you can confide in, that you can cry with, that you can really be transparent with. I wish that I would have allowed more people in more like mentors or pastors or things of that nature. It was I was very guarded, until at certain point in my life to where I was listening to God, that's when I went to church. And I mean, in my case, I stayed busy, but I don't know if that is the answer because me staying busy kind of prolonged my mourning.

Yeah, I know that is one way people tend to deal with the grief. They stuff it inside and then just forge ahead with work or some other distraction, but eventually it seems to bubble to the surface. Well, Ron, it was the loss of both of our 17 year old sons that brought us together for this interview. You and I had never met before today. And then suddenly, a friend of a friend suggested we talk. And here we are. But it's always been my prayer since starting the podcast that God would bring the right people to share their stories. And so I know that yours will touch someone who's listening that needs to hear it.

I was praying for God to give me a vehicle to touch people. I was thinking about doing my own podcast. But I didn't know. You see what happened? I didn't even being raised by pastors. I'm 49 years old. And in my 49th year of living, I didn't until now realize how powerful prayer is. It is very powerful.

Yes, it is. I think we can both attest to the fact that when we pray, he hears us, and that God has been right here with us through it all, and that he continues to walk with us today. Ron, thank you so much for being here and for sharing Daniel's story. So for those of you listening, Ron and I both know the pain of losing a child. We know there are times it feels like you can't go on even one more day. But you can. You will get stronger, and you will learn important lessons on your journey that you could only learn by walking this path. So please know that you're not alone. And that one day you too will be able to share what you learned during this difficult time to help someone else who needs to hear it from you. Thanks for listening