What I learned after losing my son

Hey everybody and welcome back to Qualified. I'm Michelle Heaton. If you've listened to other episodes of the show, you know that I interview incredible people who've overcome great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. And I've had the pleasure of meeting and talking with grief experts, counselors, therapists, pastors, authors, philanthropists, bloggers, coaches, and many bereaved parents, siblings, grandparents, and friends. And each and every one of them were willing to answer my hard questions about their loss. Tell us what happened. How did you feel? What was the darkest moment? How did others react to your grief? How long did you grieve? And finally, what lessons did you learn from your experience that you can share with others, to inspire them and give them hope? Well, today, I won't introduce you to a new guest. Because today is April 10. And it's the 10 year anniversary of Sean's death. So today, I wanted to see if I could step out of my comfort zone, and put myself on the other side of the microphone and answer some of the same questions I posed to my guests. Then the truth is, I couldn't do it. I tried multiple times. But it was so hard. I bawled my eyes out and had to stop and start and stop and start. The questions are always so probing and so deep and to go there, rip my heart out of my chest all over again. But I will attempt it again today to tell some of the important things, answer some of those questions, and then share some of the lessons I learned with the hope that it may help someone. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about Sean. By now you've heard me talk about the kind of person he was super kind, funny, witty, and talented. He loved people. Even at an early young age, he loved people. And everyone who met him ended up saying the same thing. He's an old soul. He was a good listener, a good friend. And he could blow anyone away at Guitar Hero back in the day, anyone. And then when he got out the real acoustic guitar, he could amaze you with his talent. He sang in the church youth choir, and he danced around on stage. And everybody would applaud you as a ham for sure. But in a good way. More of an entertainer, Shawn love to good food, especially sushi, and the chef's and one of our favorite spots named a roll after him. He was so kind and sweet. His smile and his laugh were one of a kind. He loved movies and music. And he had a way of spotting the artists that would take off and they always did. He wanted to get into film and pursue a career in that industry. He would have been great. And as a mom, nothing made me happier or prouder than when we'd walk through the mall together when he was like 16 years old. And he would take my hand or put his arm around my shoulders a walk together like that. I was so proud of him, and I loved him so much. So by now you know that Sean passed away suddenly at the young age of 17. toxicology results were all negative. No drugs or alcohol were found in his system. The cause of death was probable cardiac dysrhythmia. His heart slowed down and stopped beating while he slept. Why? We don't know. On this milestone day, I also wanted to revisit my why. Why did I start the podcast? What was my mission and doing this? What am I hoping to achieve? Following Sean's passing, I really only want to talk to other parents who had lost a child. At the time I didn't think therapists no matter how qualified, could help me unless that therapist had also lost a child. My belief at that time was that people who had been through great adversity and loss, and who are still breathing, are more qualified than anyone else to help me understand that I could survive this impossible thing. And my mission was to find them, and ask them those hard questions, and let them share the lessons they learned to inspire you and give you hope. Do you ever wonder why people who lose their loved ones, start foundations, write books, create blogs, go on speaking tours, publish podcasts. If you do wonder, you probably haven't lost a child. Losing a child makes you see life through a new lens. You want them back but you can't have them. You know, you'll see him again. If you have the kind of faith like I do. But you have to live your life meanwhile. So how will you live it? Some people choose to take the bucket list approach. Enjoy life to the fullest. See everything do everything. Or stay busy, don't grieve. Our lost loved ones wouldn't want that to just press on and be happy. But what I have found truly makes me happy now is using my loss to help other people. To understand and support other Grievers to practice empathy. One of the best lessons I learned is that you can wallow in your grief, or you can use it for good. I also learned that the most important job of a parent is to teach their kids about God. I heard a pastor preach one time about this. And he said, it's more important to get your kids into heaven than into Harvard. Think about that for a minute. We can give our kids every good thing in this life. But if they don't know God, where will they turn for hope? When the bottom falls out, and it will fall out. It eventually does for all of us. parents die, siblings die, friends die, pets die, spouses leave, kids go astray. And the list goes on. We need to have faith in order to have hope. They go hand in hand.

Where do you find hope?.

I learned that although 10 years seems like a long time, it still feels like yesterday, it still hurts. I learned that the hurt never goes away. Because it's the price we pay for the love we shared. I learned that children are a gift from God. Make no mistake about that.

Each pregnancy, every birth is a miracle. Talk to someone who's struggling with infertility. And they'll tell you how true that is. They're praying for a miracle. But what only God can give, he can also take away. I had a 17 year loan with Sean. And I do it all over again tomorrow.

I discovered that our losses can be a gift. Because it draws us closer to God gives us an eternal perspective. And motivates us to take action to serve, help others and discover our true purpose. I can say that I'm truly grateful for my circumstances. Because I trust that God knows what he's doing. And I have seen so many beautiful things happen as a result of Sean's passing, that I know God is in control. I know now that gratitude is everything. I'm sure you've heard all those NFL players after the big game thank God first before anyone else. That's what people who love God to.

The Bible says in James 1:17, that every good and perfect gift comes from above. And so we're grateful. It also says in Matthew chapter five, verse 45, that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. So we can expect hard times as well. And so I must thank God above all else because he gave Sean to me.

And I will be forever grateful to Scott, who is my husband, sounding board supporter and best friend To my family, and to my church family, my pastors and friends who prayed with me, cried with me, and just sat quietly with me during the hard times. And I am so grateful for Sean's friends who held me up and mourned with me when I was in my darkest hour. I'll never forget you guys. I said it before, I have no idea how any of my guests on the show have been able to get through one of my interviews, I have a new appreciation for their courage and bravery. So to you, my podcast guests, many of whom are now listeners and subscribers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you do. It's so painful, but so important. And last, but certainly not least, to you, my faithful podcast listeners. I don't know your names, but I know where you are to my friends in Southern California, Frankfurt, Germany, Vancouver and Surrey, British Columbia, London, Rome, Paris, Los Angeles, Minnesota, Michigan, Arizona, North Carolina, Colorado, Ohio. I appreciate you so much.

I hate it that loss is what unites us. But I'm so glad that you're here. And I pray that you're blessed by these stories. When you keep coming back for each new episode, it motivates me to continue and validates my purpose in doing this. So thank you, thank you again. I wish I knew what I know. Now. When Sean was still alive.

I would have done so many things differently. But there's a reason things worked out the way they did. It's called God's plan. And so the most important lesson I can share with you is trust God. He knows what he's doing.

So here's to you, Sean.

And to all of those that we have loved and lost. We love you so much. We miss you. But we will see you again. And to those of you listening, be strong. Be well. Keep the faith. Thanks for listening