When Mother's Day Hurts

Michelle:  Well, hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified - the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. So, Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and since we talk about loss here on the podcast, I wanted to devote part of this conversation to acknowledge those of us who might have mixed emotions on this day.

You may come from the kind of family in which Mother’s Day is a day to look forward to.  Your biggest challenge on this day might be where to go for brunch, or how to divide up the day so that you can honor not only your mom, but also your spouse's mom, and maybe even enjoy some time being honored as a mom. But for some, Mother’s Day can be a difficult day.

There are mothers who have lost children. Those who have strained relationships with their moms, mothers who have strained relationships with their children. There are those yearning to be mothers. Adopted children who have never met their biological moms.  Those who have made choices that have kept them from being moms, foster children who were removed from their mothers and the category that we'll talk about today, those whose mothers have passed away.

Well, my guest today is someone I enjoy being around. She is a kind and genuine person with an upbeat personality, great sense of humor and positive outlook on life. She's an artist and a teacher, a wife, and a mother. And today she'll talk with us about the mother who made her who she is today, and she'll honor the memory of her beautiful soul, and an unselfish, loving character.

Welcome to Qualified Lorrie!  

Lorrie:  Thank you, Michelle, for having me talk with a Qualified family.  I'm nervous, but I'm honored to be here. 

Michelle:  Thank you, Lorrie. So, let's talk about your mom. Bertille.  First time I've ever heard that name.

Lorrie:   You know, it's so funny. We never talk about her name. Cause she didn't like it. And it was really hokey birdie, but everyone called her birdie bee. That was kind of her nickname. And so, she was birdie be to so many other people, but we just called her mom.

Michelle: Of course. Well, tell us about your mom. What are those characteristics that made her such a great mother to you? 

Lorrie:  I think the biggest thing for my mom, that I remember about her is that she was really loving and giving.  She was a very approachable woman. You could always approach her with anything. She always cared about what you were doing in your life. And because of that, she called often to see what was going on or what was happening. After she had a grandson, she wanted to care for him. Unfortunately, she got sick in that time, but she was always trying to care for him. And she also not just cared for us as her own children, as she kind of mothered. I found out later that she mothered a lot of other people's children and her friends as well. So, I think loving would be the big thing, loving and giving. 

Michelle: That's so nice. Well, sadly, your mom passed away when you were in your twenties and I know you loved her deeply. So, can you tell us how that impacted you back then and how you coped with the loss?

 Lorrie:  I did not process my grief well. She, had been sick for just a short time. She got diagnosed with lymphoma in March and true to form because she is always a hard worker, she decided to have, let's have a reunion for a hundred people at my house. So, she did that in June and directed most of it from her bed.  After the reunion, I kind of gave her like a little uptick and then she started to head down really fast. And by December she was gone. So, right after that, I just tried to ignore the fact that she had gone so quickly. I did a lot of stuffing of my feelings. Just a lot of D’s- denial, pretending things weren't happening, eating a lot of desserts. I say a lot of D’s - the denials and desserts, a lot of desserts, just trying to ignore the fact that she was gone. 

Michelle: Do you recall how long it took until you turned a corner and sort of faced the hard reality of it? 

Lorrie:  Yeah.  One time we finally went back to Mississippi to visit where she was buried.  So where she was buried was a place that was so far out and remote, but it was where she grew up. And so, once we finally visited that place, you know, 1500 miles from anything we knew, it started the healing process where I realized, okay, I have to accept this. She’s not on a vacation. She's actually gone. And, I got to decide, am I going to be mad at God forever? Or am I going to, you know, allow myself to realize that if I do believe in Jesus, because I do, that I'm going to see her one day and that there is some hope in all of this. So, I finally started accepting it once we went and visited her grave two years later, 

Michelle:  So, it sounds like you really had a hard, first couple of years before you arrived at that place. Can you talk a little about what your grief looked like in those early days?

Lorrie:  I would pick up my child in the morning to go to work, drop him off at my sister's house because he was now instead of being cared for, by my mom, he was being cared for by my sister, and I would go to work and then I would just zone out for eight hours, just pretending nothing had happened. And then I would pick up my son and then I would go home.  Wouldn’t cook dinner, my husband would have to make dinner. I wouldn't play with the baby. Initially. I would just get in the bed and just cover my head and then repeat. I was just, you know, a lot of people didn't see on the outside, they just assumed can I put a smile on my face on Sundays or Wednesdays or, you know, at a mops meeting or something, but I was really struggling inside and I was just trying to get through each day, pretending maybe this really didn’t happen.

Michelle:  That's so hard. And then comes Mother’ Day.  You know, there's so many difficult milestones after the death of a loved one, but Mother’s Day seems especially difficult. My son, Sean passed away in April. So, I had to deal with that only a month later.  How hard was Mother’s Day for you those first few years?

Lorrie:  Well, the first Mother’s Day, I tried to ignore that Mother’s Day was coming. I started seeing, you know, the beginning of April, all the pink and flowers that you see in the big box stores. So, I convinced my sister that we would go visit my mom's aunt who looks kind of like my mom and me, just a slightly different version. So, while we were there, we thought we would get, respite or comfort. I don’t know what we were thinking we were going to be getting, because Aunt Catherine had work for us to do!  So, we should have realized that the same stock that my mom came from, she said we were going to have a barbecue. And we thought that was awesome, but we showed up and we thought nothing was there. And, we were very interested in where was the food? And she got the pots and pans out at proceeded how to make barbecue sauce from scratch, we found out how to do that. And. So we ended up cooking for a 92-year-old woman for Mother’s Day. At first, it was great because we thought, we kind of ignored the fact that this has happened and we're with someone who is close to her, but then she turned and looked at me and I realized she had the same steel, gray eyes that my mom had, which I don't have. And that was pretty much the end of the Mother’s Day fun.  

I was pretty much let's pack up. I want to go., I would like to go back to my hotel room now and it's just climb under the covers. So that was another thing, back then, you always stayed at a person's house, but we refused to do that because I knew I just didn't want to be that close and intimate the whole time. And so, I just wanted to go back to my little hotel room and just hide under the covers. I did a lot of hiding under the covers for a few mother's days until I realized it wasn't, you know, it wasn't going away, this day is going to continue to happen. 

Michelle:  Did you go to church on those mother's days?

Lorrie:  Oh, my goodness. I had the habit of, I grew up in a church, so I grew up going to church and so we never stopped. And so, the good thing about that is sometimes, it's kind of comforting because you're there as a mother, but if you're there as. Daughter of a mother who has passed away. It's really stressful because they always do these ceremonies where they have, in categories first, let's have the mother, all the mothers who have living mothers, please stand. And then you're presented with a red rose. Then they have all the mothers whose mothers have passed away. Please stand. Oh, and you're presented with a white rose. So then for the remainder of the service, you're holding this long stemmed rose, where you're walking around with this or white rose. And for many years, I was the only, I was the youngest mother standing up to receive the white rose, which was always, you know, I'd look around and I'm like, everyone around here has gray hair that standing up. And here's me getting this white rose was not fun.

Years later, I was in a position to where I was ordering the flowers and I ordered all pink. It’s like, we're not doing this. Differentiating between whose mom's alive and whose mom's dead. And then I was like, for any mom, if you consider yourself a mom, if you're an aunt, if you're a grandmother, who's being a mom, just every woman stand up, you're getting a pink rose because, after that they stopped doing the roses. I don't know if I killed that particular tradition, but it it's just so hard because there's so many things that are of a loss sometimes for Mother’s Day. And it's not always a happy thing., you know, and the world says it's supposed to be a happy, joyous time, and it's not always that way for everyone.

Michelle:  Yeah. I mean, for years, I avoided church because I wanted to be a mom and was unable to, due to infertility issues, and then would go to church and feel like I couldn't stand, you know, and then later in life to have my son and then lose my son, then Mother’s Day was always a really hard time. So, I think the way churches handled it, the way the hallmark channel handles it and the media, leaves a lot of room for improvement. 

Lorrie:  Yeah, I agree. Totally. It, it just makes you feel whatever loss you're going through. Even that much greater, you know, in a sea of pink flowers and, and, you know, bad cards

Michelle:  You can’t escape it.  

Lorrie:  no, you can't even go to the store. The popups started happening hot and heavy now in the, you know, internet world and it's, it's everywhere.

Michelle:  it is. What would you say was the most important thing that your mother imparted to you that you would carry on today in your role as a mother to your three sons?

Lorrie:   It's hard to think of the answer because she wasn't with me while I parented my boys. But I see things that I do that I didn't even realize were things, that she did herself. So, if they're involved in something, I'm like, I'm there to, I want to, I want to cheer you on, even if it's the smallest thing I want to cheer them on and encourage them and be happy for what you know they're doing. But I mean, I would say that I love my kids and I, I mean, I love family and I love my children. So, I would say that would be the one thing that I carried over or do like my mom did. you're going to know you were loved.  So that's, you know, I always tell my boys, I love you, verbally. And my mother did that as well., I never leave a conversation without saying love you. My mom was the same way. So, even though sometimes I might be overbearing to them. They know that I love them. So, I would think that would be the one, the same thing that, that my mom did to us, that, you know, I'm doing for my children well they're young men. 

Michelle:   You made an interesting comment. You said you're going to know that you're loved. How did you know that your mom loved you? Besides the words? 

Lorrie:  She was always there.  if I was hurting or in trouble, she would come to my aid, she would tell us when we would go out that if you feel you're somewhere that you don't think I want you to be, I'm more concerned about your safety than I am about where you are. So, here's a quarter back then you would use the payphone. Here's a quarter and I want you to call me. I will come pick you up wherever you are. No questions asked. So, you were never going to, you never felt like you were going to be judged for what you did. So, when you feel like you're not going to be judged for what you, do you really feel less pressured to do anything crazy? Because you just feel like it's not really worth it. you just knew  she was going to accept you wherever you were at. 

So. Yeah, and she just was a giver. She'd always give a little, she was always sending a little care packages for not just me, but my roommate too. Cause she wanted my roommate to feel included. She was always including people. One time I came home from college and there was a missionary in one room, like the ones, she had two spare rooms, there was a missionary in one room. So, I said, well, I'll take the other one. Oh, I'm so sorry. There's a single mom from Puerto Rico in the other room. So, I'm like, well, where it will like go and she goes, me and your dad are in the family room. Your sister can share our room if you want. So, you know, she was not compassionate. Yeah. Very generous, very compassionate. I that's the word that I got from a lot of people, very, very compassionate and very helpful, very giving. And so, if there is, if I even hinted that I needed something, she was, on the 101 freeway up to UCSB to drop it off.  

Michelle:  I love it. She demonstrated love to you by being there for you physically and emotionally by her giving and selfless behavior towards you, spending time with you and calling you. And by the things she said as well. I think she pretty much nailed all the five love languages there. So let me ask you about that daily phone call. You said you talked on the phone. Since you grew up with that, I'm sure that you became accustomed to it, but was there ever a point when you got older that it became difficult or awkward? 

Lorrie:   No, it was very ingrained into us and I didn't realize that it was such a part of my life until I went to college. Even before the age of the cell phone, she was calling the front desk at the dorms at the dorms to check in, and then if she couldn't get me, she would just talk to whoever else was there, “How's it going for you?” And there was never a time that it was bothersome. It was the timing, like, can you talk to me before I'm getting ready to work or maybe at one place, I was trying to get a promotion. So, I was trying really hard to look very professional and I was very young. And so, I was like, don't call me because they have to route you through the switchboard and then they have to announce it in the art room. And it's a whole big deal. So, I'm like, can you call me, at home before, I'm at work. Cause if you call me at work, that's a whole big deal. But once I got my own line, I was like, just call me whenever 

Michelle:  you enjoyed it.  Do you do that with your sons?  I mean, do they expect to hear from you every day?

Lorrie:   We text every week, you know, they're boys, so they're not going to want to do as much talking., but they text, I talked to them, by text every day., but I don't always talk to them physically on the phone. One lives 1500 miles away now. So, I don't get a chance to talk to him all the time. And I live with the other two, so I see them most of the time, every day., but yeah, I talked to my oldest, definitely at least two or three times a week. And I'm always on Saturdays when he, you know, he's running his errands and stuff. He'll call me. 

Michelle:  So that's great.  You said they're boys, so they're not as talkative, but I think you're teaching them great communication skills that will help them and their relationships too. 

Lorrie:  I hope so.

Michelle:   So, I know your mom had many different jobs, but at one time she was a nurse and then she changed careers later in life.

Lorrie:  Yes, she worked as a nurse on the night shift from seven to seven, for 20, some odd years, and then became a painting contractor with my dad., right in the middle of sixth grade, they became, industrial painting contractors. So, she switched hats from doing what she really loved, which was nursing to, helping my dad chase his dream of being a painting contractor.

So, she handled the interior design, like the decorating part or the part where you would like, if you go into a hospital, every surface is covered with something and there's people who have to pick those out. So, she would pick out and coordinate those. The things that go on the wall, the flooring, the molding, there's a lot of component parts.

Michelle:  A totally different skill.

Lorrie:  A totally different skill set, but she was a decorator. Anyway, her home was always immaculate, elegantly decorated., our room was decorated. We could never have anything out of place. Well, that was one thing that we would go the rounds with. She wanted the room to stay decorated. And so, as a teen, I wanted to undecorate my room. And, I kind of rebelled. As soon as I got to college, I covered every surface of my dorm room with, every poster I could get my hands on as she walked in, she goes very interesting. She, I mean, she just liked everything nice and decorated. She liked everything to be in place, and look pretty. She was, very much for, things being beautiful. She loves things. 

Michelle:  Since you were so connected to her, I know that her passing left a pretty large void in your life. So, what have you done over time to fill that void? And how would you describe the way you celebrate Mother’s Day now? 

Lorrie:  I think one of the things that I've done to fill the void is, I've done activities, through the year that kind of helped remind me of her., she was big on Christmas, loved Christmas decoration. To the hilt for Christmas. And so, every chance that I can, the day after Christmas, I'll go to her favorite nursery and buy like a little ornament, to remind me of, the activities that she would do., I like taking road trips like she does., and I would try to take my boys to like, we call them cultural events. She was really big on that taken us places that we had never been before that she had never been before, as a child growing up in very rural Mississippi.

And so, I've tried to do the same thing, with myself and with, my boys as well. Mother’s Day really now is not really a sad occasion. It's more of a quiet remembrance. My kid’s kind of focus on me when they want to, some years I've told them I don't want anything. I just want to just, you know, I don't even want to go out to dinner. I just want to sit on the couch and, relax. And some years I'm like, don't forget mother's day is coming. I gotta give her a reminder. I mean, they're big now. So, they do their own thing. And when they were younger, my husband at the time would, you know, have them do all this stuff and they bring home all the homemade stuff., they, they would make.  

I do randomly gift flowers to my friends a lot around Mother’s Day or my sister just because my mom liked flowers. And so, since I can't give her flowers, I will, do that for my friends. Just. Sometimes not even flowers, I, that I know they might, like, I just, you know, hoping that they would., but I think that's one of the ways now that I've kind of come to terms with Mother’s Day and I'll send my sister card and she'll send me a card or, and I'm not a big card person. So, for me to physically put something in the mail is a big act, but my mom loved cards. So, I try to, you know.

Michelle:  So, you honor her by those things that she enjoyed. Do you have a memory of your mom that you'd like to share that was especially meaningful? 

Lorrie:  So, the first thing that comes to mind, is we were taking, my sister down to the university of Louisiana and we were driving my sister's car. And I hadn't been very many places with just me and my mom. It's always been me and my mom, my sister, me and my mom. Brother, obviously, always with my dad. And this was really our first time where it was just us. And, I considered myself an adult then 19. So as far as I was concerned, I was a full-on adult that. We were just, Thelma and Louise driving after we dropped off my sister., I mean, that was not the case, but that's what my 19-year-old mind thought. And she just loved to road trip and travel.

After we dropped off my sister, we went to the, rental place to pick up a car and they said, we have nothing between here and New Orleans and we have no cars. And my mom says, you've got to have something. We’re not just going to leave here without a car. We're not going to be stuck. And he said, well, we have this huge panel van. And my mom said, I'll take it. And, I looked, I said, we do not know how to drive a panel van. She goes, we don't know how to drive a panel van yet, but we got our stuff and put it in the panel van we had so much fun in that van. We drove from Louisiana; we drove to Mississippi to visit her family. And, we saw our brothers, no one knew who was coming down the road in this, huge Amazon looking truck. And, we stopped at every antique place and she was so excited because she loved antiquing and she's like anything I find I could just put it in the back of the van then I, that worked out really well. I could have everything shipped once we get to New Orleans, which she did. She found treasures along the way. We just had fun going to every little back road, a city we could find. Yeah, it was so fun. And then we finally got to New Orleans and she showed me all the places that when she was, about my same age that she would go to cause New Orleans was the big city for them. He would go to and, you know, on the docks and look out at the river and we had so much fun in that panel van. It was like, we didn't want to give it up when we got all this stuff to the shipping office and send it out ups and got on the plane and went back home. But it was really a fun time. 

One memory I remember when of how my mom would treat other people.  One time, we were at a hospital. I don't know why I was with her. I was probably because she picked me up from school and then took me, to this building. I think it was a hospital, but it could have been a, an office building. And when we walked in, the guy assumed she was either the janitorial staff or, like a helper. And she had come in because there were some things that needed to be finished, you know, with the surfaces. And he was really talking down to her and pretty rude. And she pulled out a punch list, which is like a list that, contractors use and, a business card. And she just calmly started telling him, I need this done. I need this done. And I need this done nothing rude. She wasn’t, you know, Talking back or anything else. And then when he realized who he was talking to his tone, demeanor, everything changed to date. Can I get you some coffee? Do you want a hard hat? And so, and she just didn't even speak anything of it. She just kept on about her business and we got back in the car and then moved on to wherever else was we were going. She was just always like that. She just treated everyone though with a lot of respect.

Michelle:  Well, she was a woman in the business world, which was a big deal, but additionally, she was a black woman in a business-owner role, which was hard for some to accept back then. And sadly, may be even today, so that said, do you recall any other times that she had to endure discrimination and how did she handle it?

Lorrie:   my mom was a shopper.  She made a lot of money, but she could spend it too. And so we had gone to I. Magnin, So, we were there in the express store with our little I. Magnin bags, and, we walked in and the woman said, I wonder, did they steal those? Okay. So, we're letting my mom let that go. So, we went up to the front and I was trying to buy something and they said, if you open up a charge card, you can, you know, back then you open it, the charge card, you get like certain amount, percentage off. And so, my mom's like, let me get express card so you can get the percentage off. And the woman goes, well, we don't know if you're going to qualify. So, my mom, she just said, just go ahead. And now I'm getting hot. I'm getting upset. I'm like, of course she's got to qualify. Yeah., so we're sitting there and then back then they used to run your credit right there, you know? So, they ran her credit and they said, they look now they're looking at her license. And they're like, checking to see, is that really her. Okay. It is her and the woman goes, I'm so shocked. You have good credit. So, my mom was like, I'm a get this stuff, but you're not going to help me. 

Michelle:  I'm so sorry that happened to you and your mom, Lorrie.  You were raised in and still live in a county where the African-American population is only 2%. So, I'm sure there are many times when she, and you were subject to the pain and adversity of discrimination, which is also a form of loss.

Lorrie:   Yeah, the county was still 2% when she was bringing us up. And one thing I do remember that, we moved to a neighborhood where there were hardly any black people, because she was finally in the neighborhood that she had been cleaning houses in. She was happy to be there. And then they wanted to do busing and bus us back to the neighborhood where she came from. She was not for that at all. She was like, I refuse to have my children bused because they are minorities and they don't need to be bused. Well, she's lost that fight. We had to be bused for, I think, one year or two years. And then we were able to go to our neighborhood school that was, not busing where we could walk, but, you know, she had worked so hard to get out of., a place that they wanted to turn around and put us back into. 

Michelle:    You know I was doing a little research on the topic of motherhood, what makes a great mom and the adversity and losses that some mothers have had to endure and I came across an article written by a black mother who talked about George Floyd, calling out to his mama in his final moments. And she named some of the other young men who were taken from this world too soon because of tragic circumstances and prejudice. And in her article, she says this of being a black mom, “it has been made sacred by all the admonitions and prayers. All the side deals we try to cut with our God when black boys cross the streets, or play in parks, or get into cars, or grow into men who do anything at all while being black.” What are your thoughts about the additional burden that black mothers have to endure?

Lorrie:   Yeah. That's exactly what the thing is. The burden the additional burden for their safety. So, I mean, as soon as they got cars and way before they were super popular, I'm at best buy getting a webcam.  This was before George Floyd. So, it can be recorded that we have always had phones that have like, with an extra charger, like my boys got phones early, so I I'm like teaching them. You always need to record something. Always have it on backup, always have a Facebook. So, if something happens, you can go Facebook live and it could record without you having to record.  I mean, it sounds crazy. But, you know, I like my son switched cars and I was like, what? You didn't get a webcam???

And so, like little things you walk in a store, you don't get to put your hands in your pockets., But it's always in the back of your mind. And so, I thought my boys, you know, because they're quote unquote respectable and they don't dress hood. And, they talk in regular English, or drive regular cars are not driving a, a gangster looking card that they would be, And that's the size from that. And that was not the case. Billy was 17 years old, autistic on-campus driving home from school. And the campus police said there was a guy who raped a girl and you fit the bill. Billy didn't even fit the bill. Him and the guy had dreads. And that's the only thing. And Billy's dreads were short at the time. The guy's dreads were long, the guy was dark or Billy was lighter. The guy was short. Billy was tall. No, not even close. And so, I thought that would be that.

But he was coming back from a church function and him and his friend pulled over at McDonald's to have French fries. The guy didn't want them to eat in his car. So, they were standing outside 11 o’clock and the sheriff or police, whoever pulled up, drew their guns on them because they were outside the thing. And I, at first, I kind of halfway dismissed that, oh, it's not a big deal. But then I realized my son was traumatized about it because he kept telling me about it. He kept bringing it up. And so, I said, was that traumatizing? And he said, yes. And so, I said, you, you want to get some counseling for that? And he said, mom, yes, He goes, because I'm scared to be on this college campus. He was living at the dorms then. And so, he got counseling for that. And so, he, had to come to terms, but as a mom, you just, you have that dread in the back of your mind. 

Michelle:  Thank you for sharing that I know it may not be easy to talk about, and it also may not be easy for some to hear, but I think it's an important conversation because again, there's a lot of loss and pain associated with racial bias. 

You know, I think there's this innate longing for our mothers that we all have regardless of our circumstances. And that's what makes it hurt so much when they're not around. I remember when my son passed away, there was this day. I believe it was like a week later and my husband had to go back to work and it was a first time I was alone with my grief. And at a very early hour in the morning, I just picked up the phone and in complete hysteria and I called my mom. I was just balling and something inside me, just wanted mama, you know, and I was in my forties.  

Lorrie:  I think that that innate longing for your mom never really goes away. So whatever relationship you had with her, or have, there's always going to be a longing for it to be where the mom is, the mom and you are being cared for loved to, you know, where someone is unconditionally giving you acceptance. 

I saw a glimmer of that at her funeral., I was at a church, it was a Caucasian church and I was one of the few black people there. And, my mom's service was at a black church and I saw these little, white haired, blonde ladies, white ladies in the audience who are those people? They were from my original church. They were so sweet. These old ladies who had come and one lady grabbed my hand and she said, and she was crying. She says, my mom has been gone for 50 years. And she was in her probably or 70. She goes and I still miss my mom. I had to come today because I know you're going to be missing your mom. I'll never forget that because even as old, as she was 50 years later, I'm thinking what I'm still going to be missing my mom 50 years later. But, it’s one of the hardest losses. There's, you know, there's no getting around it, but it's one of the losses where you feel like you're an orphan. You have nobody to back you up anymore. You can't explain that to anyone unless they've actually had that.

Michelle:  Right., you're absolutely right. And, in one of the other episodes, I talked to a mom who also lost her only child like I did. And we talked about the fact that on Mother’s Day, it's really difficult.  Because when you lose your only child, it feels like immediately you're no longer a mom, and that's not true, you know, she talked about that, but one of the other things that we talked about is that sense of longing for our mom, it's this thing because a mother and her child, the mother and her son …

Lorrie:  connected at birth.  

Michelle:  Yes! And so that the importance of, I love that you said, we're always going to want our moms no matter what the circumstances, it's always there.

Lorrie:  Yeah. I have a cousin, we call her, my mom's starter daughter. And I called her up to and said I'm going to be talking about my mom and she was going on and on and telling me great stories about how my mom, my mom would pick her up from kindergarten.

She smelled of tobacco and juicy fruit gum. My mommy smokes. Everyone smoked back. Then my mom used to smoke and she, too juicy fruit gum and her own mother was not the type of, and, I've gleaned this. She has never said this because she's too respectful to say this, but her own mother was. Very loving and not always present. And so, she said she would always get so excited because my mom would make sure she was ready for church, that she would make sure she had her little Easter speech down, that she would, take her to little fairs and places that would take her to the Mexican side of town and get a taco or, you know, food. She had never eaten before, or take her for ice cream. She had never had ice cream until she, you know, her aunt would come and get her. And I thought, I said, that's loving of any kids, have any children. And, that's one thing is it doesn't have to be your own child. It can be someone else's child, but the way she talked about. She was like, I wish my mom would have done that instead of it being your mom, that she had the memory.

Michelle:  Well, you know, that.  I wish that was my mom. Yeah. There are people that come alongside us in life when those voids exist and they are there for us. But again, even though you can be grateful that you have that there's still that longing, that exists. So, I think it's just important that we acknowledge that today when other people are listening, because it's not, what's wrong with me.

Lorrie:  It's natural. Yeah, it is natural to have that longing to where you want to have a relationship at that might not exist, even though it is present here in the physical world, but you know, it's disconnected for whatever reason, you know, that's, that's hard. Yeah.  

Michelle:  What important lessons did you learn following your mother's passing that you can share with someone who might be listening that’s really missing their mom today on Mother’s Day?

Lorrie:   I learned first that it is very much okay to not be. Sometimes you have to just, sit in the grief and in the realization that the person that you loved, or maybe the person that you didn't have the best relationship with is no longer with you. And that, sometimes it's just okay to not be okay. You have to realize sifting through all the pop-up ads and all the Mother’s Day stuff that you see, is not really what Mother’s Day is really about. Anyway, it's more, the feelings you have in a connection you have with an actual person. And so, since that has been now taken away in the physical, you know, you can rely on the memories and even if the memories aren't great, you can think to yourself, well, maybe I can.

Make the memories better for somebody else. And, I have a friend who struggles with infertility and we have been praying for her for years. And, she goes out of her way now to, do things for other people that, have children. She'll give them a break., she'll come and babysit., she has come and babysit my kids, not on Mother’s Day, but other's days. And she's like, this is your Mother’s Day present the Mother’s Day time, you know? So, I think it's just okay to give yourself some grace and, and not push yourself to do anything that you're not comfortable doing. You know, it’s a hard time for a lot of us. And, you just have to give yourself a little grace and, you know, kind of conduct the day with ease. It’s okay. Not to be okay. 

And I would say, if you're going through the first Mother’s Day without your mom, please, don't try to pretend that it's, you know, it's going to be a good day. It, I mean, who knows it might be, but for everyone that I have talked to, like 99%, it is extremely difficult., there will be a lot of emotions., you might want to totally retreat or you might want to just, keep yourself busy., I would say that, it’s perfectly normal to have a lot of feelings way before Mother’s Day is happening. You know, sometime in April, it's you start going downhill and you don't know why, and it's the Mother’s Day I call it the Mother’s Day factor.

And you don't even really realize you're thinking, has it been a full moon for a month? No, it's Mother’s Day. And you just, and it's, and it's like a precipice. You just kind of get to the edge and it's odd as soon as Mother’s Day is over and all the pink stuff goes away and, they start bringing out the 4th of July and graduation stuff. Your kind of breath a sigh of relief. 

Michelle:  Well, don't forget. Father's Day.

Lorrie:   Yes, that's a June, but you kind of thought, oh, wow. I finally got through the, you know, I'm over the edge and I can kind of put this in the back shelf. 

 Michelle:  Thank you so much for acknowledging that because it is something that builds up. And if you, if you aren't keenly aware of it, you might think what's wrong with me. It's my health. What's going on. And it sneaks up on you and affects you even physically. 

Lorrie:  Sometimes it does affect you physically and people don't realize that. And then, you know, you're just, your emotions are on edge., you know, you just have a tendency to be very weepy, but it could be the opposite. You could be very angry and, you know, quick to be dismissive, just a lot of emotions going on. So yeah, just give yourself some grace and know that that time period is coming and it's perfectly normal., it’s part of the process. 

Michelle:  Yes. And the other part that you said is so, so true, Mother’s Day itself is just a day., but the way society has set it up to be such a, epic day for all of us, that there's an added pressure. Almost. 

Lorrie:  There is a huge added pressure and sadly our society hasn't, it's gotten more so because I remember in, you know, growing up in the seventies and eighties, there was Mother’s Day, but it was basically just kind of within the confines of that second Sunday or for some, the second Saturday of that day, it wasn't a big thing of the Mother’s Day brunches and the mother's days out and the Mother’s Day, everything, you know.

Social media has, taken it to another level, another level where if you don't have the post of you and your mom at the dream place with the fabulous gifts and the, you know, wonderful playlist in the background, you know, you have not done your job. So, it must be way more, stressful a lot of times for if you're dealing with loss and then having it played out on social media., some years in the past, I have avoided social media during Mother’s Day. Cause I'm just like, I'm over it. And I'm not, I just don't want to be having that in my face right now. 

Michelle:  So, Lorrie, you shared so many great life lessons with us from your journey. You told us it's okay to grieve and to feel the pain of loss at this time. To rely on the good memories and to make memories better for someone else. You encouraged us to do things for others to brighten their day, but to give yourself grace and not to push yourself to do something you really don't want to do. You said we should expect to feel sadness and to know that feelings can start days or even weeks before Mother’s Day. And you advised saying away from social media during this time to better manage our own emotions. 

Thank you for your honesty and for opening up about the real issues you and your family have had to endure.  It's my prayer that our conversation will help raise awareness and affect the positive change that needs to happen in our world today.

Thank you for all of that wisdom. And also, for agreeing to come on the podcast to share the story of your mom and you as a mom. And Lorrie, I know your mom Birdie would be extremely proud of the woman you have become.

Lorrie:    Thank you. I really appreciate it, Michelle.  

Michelle:   So, for those of you listening, I know how hard Mother’s Day can be for so many. To all the mothers who have lost children, those who have strained relationships with their moms, mothers who have strained relationships with their children, those yearning to be mothers, adopted children who’ve never met their mothers, foster children who were separated from their mothers. Those who've made choices that have kept them from being mothers and those whose mothers who have passed away. My heart goes out to you today and my prayers are lifted up for you.

May you have peace today.  The peace that passes all understanding.  And may be surrounded by kind, loving and empathetic people who care about you and support you and all you do.

Thanks for listening.