When your adult child makes poor decisions

Hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. Well, if you're listening today, you've most likely experienced some form of loss in your life. Losing something or someone that we value and cherish in this life is so difficult. Losses can radically disrupt our lives, and leave an indelible mark on our hearts. But losses can also teach us and change us and make us stronger if we focus on the lessons that emerge from our pain. My guest today has experienced multiple losses, and he has an interesting story of how his life changed as a result. He's now an accomplished author, blogger, podcaster, and full time pastor in the Jacksonville area of Florida. His name is Robert Bass, and it's my great honor to have him on the show today. Welcome to Qualified, Robert!

thank you so much for having me.

Of course. Well, Robert, like I said, you have an interesting story of how your life got to the place it is now. But it wasn't an easy road for you and for the people that watched you struggle, namely your parents. And I think there may be parents listening today that are in that place, where they're forced to watch a child make bad decisions that could be impacting the rest of their lives. So it's my hope that your story will serve as an inspiration to many today. So let's get into it. You shared a lot of the details of these life events in one of your books called Past to Purpose, which by the way, was great and very encouraging for me. And in it, you talk about how after high school, you decided to attend a technical trade school to become an auto mechanic versus going to a big university on a tennis scholarship. What was your motivation for this change in career plans? And also, how did your parents react to it?

Yeah, that's a big shift, isn't it? So the moment happened, I was a 17 year old teenager, playing in a big tennis tournament. And in a moment of frustration, I was losing and wasn't doing well. You know, it happens as an athlete. But in that moment of frustration, I got very upset. And I asked my coach at the time, after losing, I said, Is this what the pro life is going to be like? And because I had a decision, I had a scholarship, full paid ride, to a big university. And I was really weighing the decision, though, because it's tough, it is tough as an athlete. And so I asked him, Is this what it's going to be like, and he's like, even worse, he's like, you're gonna have to work really hard to be successful. And at that moment, I realized I wasn't having fun anymore. I did not enjoy what I was doing. And so in that moment of frustration, and losing, I decided to quit, I turned down the scholarship. And as you can imagine, my parents were just floored, shocked, they could not believe that I had made that decision. And so my parents sat me down. And they actually told me that like, hey, look, if you're going to turn down this opportunity, we're actually not going to help you with college.

Okay, so you pretty much had it made with a talent for tennis, that was going to pay your way through school, and you were gonna walk away from it all. I can see why your parents would think that was a bad decision. But I get it that you weren't happy. So did you have a plan B?

I had worked at a car dealership washing cars as a part time job while I was going to school and so said, You know what, I'll just learn to fix cars. It was an easy way to start making money and so off, I went to Houston, Texas, to learn more about fixing cars.

Okay. So right after your graduation, it's 2005. You moved all your belongings into your grandmother's house in Mississippi where you were going to live for a while. And then within a matter of days, Hurricane Katrina strikes and you lose everything. Thankfully, you and your family emerge safe and sound, but you said the storm had a great impact on you. Can you talk about how the devastation of Katrina made you see things in a new way?

Yeah, absolutely. I can't even believe this story when I tell it, but I finished this trade school and I i had a plan for my life, I thought I knew what I was going to do and what was going to happen. But we moved back home to Mississippi to my grandma's house. And Katrina hit. And luckily, my immediate family was safe. But my grandma's house did flood. And I lost everything that I had. And so I go from college, and life changed again, and begin to turn directions. And so when Katrina hit, I was living in South Mississippi. And so many people, like you mentioned, lost everything. And so we go from, you know, living, I guess a normal life to now having to do it all over again. And so we had to just survive, like, that's the best way that I can explain it, it went from being normal to survival mode. And so without power, your life completely changes. We didn't have sewer for months because of the devastation and the damage. And so imagine no power, no sewer, and your, your life just turns upside down in a moment. And so you have food for a while, but who has food for months. And so especially when things are destroyed, and you're learning to rebuild, you're trying to figure out what to do and, and it's not like, it's just you, it was everyone, like the entire cities were destroyed, the entire coast was destroyed. I mean, it's so many people that you don't really have anybody to lean on, but your immediate family and people that you're close to, I mean, I remember other people's houses being in our yard, cars that floated down the road. I mean, it's shocking to even talk about the devastation, and to get a true picture of it. And so you really do turn into survival mode. And what that means is people begin to protect themselves, they think about what do I need to do? How do I protect my family? I mean, it was like a war zone, really, I mean, people are stealing from houses to survive. After weeks of you know, you start running out of food, the military comes in, and the government comes in to help but it is very, it's very harsh, you know, it's supportive, very harsh, and you only get a certain amount of water, you only get a certain amount of your MRE, your meals that taste horrible, but it's better than nothing.

Yeah, as you're describing that environment is so hard to even imagine never having experienced anything like that personally. And you know, we're so accustomed to having everything we need within arm's reach, or just down the road at the market. But you had no running water, no electricity, no sewer, no clothing, all that was lost. And you had to rely on the government agencies for your drinking water and food, while at the same time having to have your guard up against people that might try and steal from you. I mean, that's certainly traumatizing. So the next chapter in your life comes when you landed a really good job at a Mercedes Benz dealership, and you said they paid you very well. So at this point in your life, you're not struggling, you're making a great deal of money. And you've spent some of it now on a new toy, a motorcycle. Tell us about that time in your life, how you were living then. And then the event that happened next?

Yep, so after helping my family for months rebuild and friends, I got a job in Jacksonville, Florida working for Mercedes Benz and so I go from having handing out water having nothing to having a job and an apartment and more money than I even imagined. And so, going from nothing to a lot, takes a very disciplined person to not just spend a lot of money. And I wasn't quite disciplined, like I needed to be as a young you know, 20 year old and so, started buying things. One of those was a motorcycle and begin to you know, ride a motorcycle. I didn't tell my parents, I had a motorcycle at the time. And so just begin to ride this motorcycle because I had just extra I mean, I go from having nothing poverty level to just having an abundance. But as you can imagine going from nothing to having a lot. It is hard. Like it's hard to have that discipline. And so yeah, I had a I had a motorcycle. It was driving around. And unfortunately, being a young guy, even though I took classes, ended up getting into a motorcycle accident and had to learn to walk again. You know, there was gravel on the road, nothing that I did really, that caused the accident, but hit that gravel. My motorcycle just went flying out from under me.

And you didn't tell your parents you were getting a bike because you knew they'd be worried about your safety. And then you had this terrible accident. You severely damaged Your knee to the point where you would need months of physical therapy to even walk again. And you called on your mom and dad because you knew they come through for you. And they did. But what happened after you were healed and back on your feet?

After I recovered, and again, I'm just so thankful I had my family there to help me recover take me to physical therapy. But after I recovered and learn to walk again, through that season, I thought I was invincible. I didn't think that nothing else could hurt me now, I had been through Hurricane Katrina learned to walk again. I mean, I thought I had it figured out I really did. And so I moved to Destin, Florida for a higher paying position at Mercedes and which is brought more money and more opportunities. And, you know, when you when you have money, it's easier to be popular. And so I had a lot of friends had a lot of stuff. And Destin had a big motorcycle community, big racing community. And so I would hang out with people. And that's all we would do was go riding around and I got friends quickly, or what I thought, whereas my friends, and you know, at at a perceived level of popularity, and so like I mentioned, I thought I was invincible. And I was I was at a concert on the beach, and Destin, Florida, and I was wearing shorts, flip flops, and a T shirt riding a motorcycle, had a helmet on. So a little bit of wisdom. And I was driving home at night and ended up getting into an accident with my friend actually, who was driving a motorcycle, it was at night and we didn't see each other and ended up crashing into each other. And it was almost like, here we go again. I mean, I had so much Road Rash, and just bandaged up and me and him both got into the accident. And we were roommates. And so both of us are now stuck can't help each other. We needed help needed our friends help. And that was such an eye opening season for me because I remember coming out of the hospital, and the next day texting friends and calling people and saying hey, I just got into accident last night. And you know, I need help. And all these food services that deliver to you didn't exist at the time. So I'm like, I need food. Like I need support. And and no one came. It was so eye opening like people would text me back. I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you get better or let me know when you get better. Wow. And it was such a shocking time in my life where it's like, Wait a second. This isn't supposed to be like this. I remember my first accident my parents came to help. Yeah. And so I had support. Then I saw what happened in Katrina, where devastation happened. But yet people did come together as much as they could. And I had family there then and but now, you know, my family was kind of like, alright, this is your second accident, you're gonna have to figure out something on your own things. You're gonna have to learn the hard way. But they're still there for me, you know, as they could. But when I started to depend on other people, they weren't there. Yeah, like, I shouldn't be alone. And my roommate can't help me. He's in the same problems later. I could, I heard he was in as much pain as me. Yeah. And so again, I found myself in a similar situation. But different this time, like I really felt alone. Like, I really felt like wait, like, I have no one to turn to. I don't know where to go this time. You know, just very an isolated feeling. And so I go from being popular with all these people and all these people knowing me. But yet now completely alone.

That must have been a real wake up call for you, when all the people you thought were your friends didn't come through for you. And your parents are trying to practice a little tough love and let you figure things out on your own. Where did that leave you? What do you do next?

That was the moment where I just remember laying on the couch in so much pain. I didn't want to move. I was in so much pain. I mean, the pain medicine wasn't even working. I was in that much pain because of the road rash. And I remember thinking back, I grew up in church. And my parents took me to church several times during the week. But I remember just thinking, Okay, I remember my parents helping me. I remember growing up in church, I need help. And so I remember opening up my Bible in just reading for the first time and the first time in a long time, really, because I just thought I could do things my way. I thought that okay, I trusted God a long time ago, and I'm good now. And I didn't know that there was more. I just thought that it was you trust God and you get into heaven and now you're good. That's what I thought. Now I know much different but it was this journey that really began to show me like, I don't have to be alone. So I remember getting a ride to a local church and showing up to this church and crutches. And when you show up to church and crutches, you're gonna get attention. And so, you know, some people greeted me. And I'll never forget, this guy was sitting on the front row. And he left his family and came and sat with me in the back. So I wouldn't be alone. Nice. He left his family on the front row to come sit with me during service and the back row.

Kind of different from your friends.

Exactly. Like I was, I was shocked. This guy didn't know me, but we never met before. We didn't even look alike. I mean, he's completely different older gentleman, you know, different skin color. I mean, we had nothing in common. And he sat with me. And I was so shocked. And I remember that week, he, he, him and his family brought me food. And cook some amazing food, like home cooked food, not even like, you know, McDonald's or fast food, like knows home cooked great food, they would bring me food, he'd picked me up to bring me where I needed, even though he had a job, and I was so blown away. Like, wait a second, like, is, this is what I was missing? Like, this is kind of how things should have been because I experienced it a little bit with my family. But it's family, you know, you kind of expect them to do it, right? They love me, they have to help me. Exactly. And it was just so eye opening to me and like, Okay, what I was missing this entire time is I was trying to do it by myself. I thought I didn't need other people or need a community. Or I just thought I didn't need God. And it was a very eye opening moment. For me. It was like, Okay, there's more. And I want what that more is?

Yeah. Well, I love the way all that came together for you. You told me you were raised in a family that had great faith, you grew up in church. But even so many kids that are raised in that kind of environment, will still kind of wander off the path a little in an attempt to find their own way, their own independence. And sometimes the choices they make will have dire consequences. Fortunately for you, those roots of your faith were strong. And in your darkest moment of need, you remembered and turn to God. And that led you back to a place where you're being taken care of. That's great. So with all of these experiences behind you, can you share some of those big life lessons you learned that might help someone who's listening? That might be in a similar situation?

Yeah. And all of those crazy stories that I've been through one of the things that I had a choice, and every single one of them was how am I going to choose and respond to this? Yeah. And I remember just thinking, I'm not going to let what happened to me, affect me. So even though I went through very difficult things, I made a choice, I'm not going to let this affect me. So I'm in a very hard, difficult situation, but I am still going to choose to have joy. I may be in a situation where I don't know how I'm gonna pay my bills. I didn't, I had no idea. There were envelopes coming in the mail with red. You know, they weren't nice letters anymore. They were, Hey, you gotta pay these bills, or we're coming for you, and you have times in your life, that it can really steal your peace, really just take everything from you. But what I found in that season was God was with me. And therefore his joy and peace was with me that I didn't have to do it alone, that there was actual hope. And when we have hope, and we know that there is help available to us to get us through these difficult seasons. Now, this is what was important for me, these people that helped me they couldn't change my situation, right. My family, I still had to learn to walk again. There were still consequences. There was still a difficult season I had to walk through. But there was something available to me in that season that I didn't know or I hadn't learned yet. And so I would just encourage people like, you know, God's presence is with you. And he desires to be with you even though other people may not that his love and joy and peace is available to us in spite of what we're going through. Yeah.

Well, you told me that everything you had been through really helped you to realize your need for God, and how you wanted to go deeper in your relationship with him. And ultimately, you went to seminary and you became a pastor, that's night and day from where you were. And I imagine your parents are very proud of you and the man you've become. I know there are parents out there that are still waiting and praying for their kids to turn and around. What would you say to those parents based on your experience that might help them keep the faith?

Yes, my parents told me all the time. We're happy where you are. But it was difficult for them. I've talked to them about it personally, you know, and ask them questions. How was it for them in that season, and it was difficult, you know, there's no downplaying it, it No parent wants to see their child suffering, and going through a difficult season, but I can share from my perspective, that it was love that turned me around. That it wasn't discipline that it wasn't rebuking or you know, I've seen people quote the Bible in Scripture and rules in different things to try to get people to act, right. But it was love that turned me to God, it was the love of people, it was the love of my parents, it was receiving something that I knew I didn't deserve. Like, I knew I didn't deserve people to help me. I had, I had betrayed people and left people and tried to do it on my own. But it was their love. that drew me to God, that drew me to other people. And so, you know, as a parent, as difficult as it is, especially parents and family, like we're called to love. As Christians we are called to love. Jesus says to love God and love others. And he makes it that simple. But it's that difficult, at the same time, to love people in spite of their hurt. You know, I my mom told me a story. One time she goes, you were a very difficult child, when you were in your accident, because I was hurting. And I said things that were mean, I said things out of aggravation, I, I was mad that these bills are piling up and I couldn't control it. And so my parents even remembered the harsh things that I said that I have, you know, ask forgiveness for. And we have a great relationship with my mom and dad and my entire family. But I did say things that I wish I wouldn't have said out of pain out of hurt. And so, you know, for parents out there, your kids may say things that are hurtful, but loving them through it and allowing them to process their pain is what's going to really draw and keep that relationship healthy in the future.

Great advice. Well, your amazing story doesn't end there. In fact, it just keeps getting better. You eventually met and married your beautiful wife, Carmen. And were at that same time blessed by a new son, Daniel, can you tell us a little bit about how that part of your life came to be?

Yes. So now that you've got to hear, you know, my stories and my motorcycle accidents, the beautiful part about my wife and son now is my wife was previously married. And they had a son and her previous husband passed away in a motorcycle accident. And so you know, I don't ride a motorcycle anymore, okay, that want to know, that my wife wouldn't let me even if I wanted to. But the beautiful part about that story is me and my wife didn't even know each other. We weren't even in the same areas when these things happen. But she walked with him through a very difficult season, before he passed away. And so in a very wild way, God has, you know, redeemed her life with her husband passing away, and she understands what I've been through with my motorcycle accident and having to recover. And by the grace of God, I survived nothing that I could have done, really, to survive those accidents. And so I'm very grateful for my life. And I use my life to encourage other people. And so God has allowed me to be in their life to be a dad, to a to a kid who didn't have a dad, whose dad passed away, and we have a great relationship has she's been able to have a husband, to be there to help her to raise him. And so we truly believe, you know that Jesus has paid the price for us, and that our life is redeemed. And we've all been given a second chance to have a family together. And so we're super thankful. But it's crazy. Yeah, God brings things together even amongst our pain and brokenness. And so, if you were to interview her, she would have told you she would have never dreamed that she would even have been remarried, that she could have never imagined what life would be like outside of you know what, what had happened.

That truly is a beautiful story of redemption for all three of you. I love it. Robert, I know there's listeners out there that would love to learn more about your ministry and get a copy of your book. Can you tell us where to find that?

Yeah. And so I've been thankful and been blessed to share a lot of my testimonies. A lot of what I shared today was out of my first book, passed a purpose and ended up writing a second book just about your journey that you're on now in And then recently, within the last few months wrote a new book called Hidden fruit, about the fruit of the Holy Spirit, like how to actually have joy in a difficult season, that God is with you to actually how to have peace, even though your life doesn't seem to have any peace. And so that new book, you can get that at a hidden fruit book.com On the website, it's also available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Google all the major book distribution websites. And same thing for the other two books. You can get those on Amazon also.

Okay, I'll put links in the show notes for those and I can't wait to read Hidden Fruit. Any final thoughts you want to pass along before we close?

Yeah, I just hope that people are encouraged. I really hope that they would hear you know what I've been through in my story, and that they would leave hopeful, knowing that even though your situation may not be hopeful, even though you may not see a way out that it's possible.

Wonderful. Thank you so much, Robert, for your ministry, your books, and especially for agreeing to talk with me on the podcast today.

You're welcome is a pleasure.

So for those of you listening, I hope you heard the message of faith and perseverance in Robert's story. His parents had to watch him suffer the consequences of the decisions he was making. And it was a difficult time in their lives, but they kept the faith. Proverbs chapter 22, verse six tells us to train up a child in the way he should go. And when he is old, he will not depart from it. I love those words. They have deep meaning for me as a mom. As parents, we plant those seeds and we pray they will sprout and grow. At times, it can be hard, but don't lose hope. It is my prayer that one day you too will have a story to tell. That will help someone else who's struggling, like Robert did today. Thanks for listening.